Ellie Kemper Begs You Not to Tell Women 'That We Look Tired'

From Esquire

1. We aren't actually ever cold. We just feel more delicate when we say that.

2. We don't want to hear that we look tired. Other words that you might use instead are pure, virginal, unpolluted, honest.

3. We know you're trying to be sweet, but our farts don't smell "adorable."

4. When we worry about our biological clocks, it is not helpful to point out that at least we look five years younger than we are.

5. We don't actually mind that much when you point out that we look five years younger than we are.

6. In fact, I have been told that I look up to eight years younger than I am-I guess I just look really young and vibrant, guys!

7. We know that when you close your eyes while we are talking and you claim that you are still listening, you are clearly sleeping.

8. We think it is wonderful when you surprise us with a surprise we have already planned for you to surprise us with.

9. Thank you so much for gifting us with The Path to Power, Means of Ascent, and Master of the Senate over the years, but we are not interested in Lyndon Johnson! It is you who are interested in Lyndon Johnson! Here, take these books about him.

10. We want you to ask us not once, not twice, not three times if we are okay. We want you to ask us 70 times seven times if we are okay. And if we still answer "Yeah, I'm okay," ask us again. I assure you, we are not okay.

This article originally appears in the March 2016 issue.