105 truly funny jokes that'll make you laugh yourself silly
Who doesn't appreciate a good funny joke? Take this one, for example: Did you hear about the robbery at the glue factory? It was a stickup.
For the encore, we'd love to tell you a construction joke but ... we're still working on it.
If you like these corny one-liners, you're going to love this collection of funny jokes that are guaranteed to have you chuckling, if not completely cracking up.
That's because we've collected the best of the worst dad jokes, including groan-worthy puns, knock-knocks, dumb witticisms and the funniest anecdotes you'll find just about anywhere.
Feel free to use these funny jokes at the next family gathering, to get your friends laughing or whatever occasion you deem fit for a few knee-slappers.
After all, there's never a bad time for a good gag and these totally cheesy treasures are worth telling, whether kids or adults are your audience.
We should warn you, however — you're not going to find a whole lot of jokes on peaches here. That's because most of them are, well, pretty pitiful.
Terrible, right? But that's just the kind of comedy gold you've come for.
Funny dad jokes
I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say, so I just used big words.
Did you hear about the dolphin romance? They really clicked.
A horse walks into a diner. The host says, "Hey!" The horse says, "You read my mind."
How did people see in the dark during medieval times? They used knight lights.
Why aren't there a lot of jokes about peaches? Because most of them are pit-iful.
What's the best way to catch a squirrel? Act like a nut.
Did you hear about math book that got a therapist? It had a lot of problems.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean beef.
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Did you hear about the cat that aced the test? It got a purr-fect score.
Why is the ocean so clean? It has mer-maids.
Why did the king go to the dentist? He needed a crown.
Did you hear about the archeologist who got fired? His career was in ruins.
I'd tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.
Why don't lions eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the dock-tor.
Did you hear about the ghost that joined a soccer team? It wanted to be a ghoulie.
Why did the potato leave the bar? All eyes were on him.
What do you get when you cross a guitar, drums and a car tire? A rubber band.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to the course? In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the boy wear his coat to dinner? Because chili was on the menu.
Did you hear about the baseball player who got arrested? He stole second base.
Why aren't kids allowed to see pirate movies? They're all rated arrrrr.
How much does it cost to hire a deer? A buck.
How did police catch the thief who robbed an Apple store? There was an iWitness.
Why did the coffee cup file a police report? It got mugged.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Thankfully, someone woke her up.
What kind of scientists avoid the sun? Paleontologists.
Why did the financial planner quit his job? He was losing interest.
Did you hear about the guy who decided to hang mirrors for a living? It's something he could see himself doing.
Why do frogs like playing baseball? They're good at catching fly balls.
How did Noah sail his ark at night? Using floodlights.
How do lumberjacks know how many trees they’ve cut down? They keep a log.
Why are sports stadiums so cold? Too many fans.
Where do cows get their clothes? From cattle-logs.
What kind of socks should you buy a bear? None. They prefer to go barefoot.
How do honeybees get to school? On the buzz.
Why did Darth Vader go to the dermatologist? He had Star Warts.
Did you hear about the light that got arrested? It went to prism.
Why did the beach get embarrassed? Because it noticed the sea weed.
I'm obsessed with telling airport jokes. My doctor says it's a terminal problem.
Funny jokes for adults
I was going to tell you a joke about sodium, but then I thought, "Na."
What's a pirate's favorite subject in school? Arrrr-t.
Did you hear about the killer whale that learned to play the flute? He wanted to be in the orca-stra.
What do you call a crocodile that's always causing trouble? An insta-gator.
I think I'm addicted to cheese. Don't worry, it's only mild.
What kind of shoes do breadsticks wear? Loafers.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? They can be a little shady.
Why didn't the skeleton go skydiving? He didn't have the guts.
If you find out when fishing season begins, let minnow!
What's the best way to make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
Why did the man name his puppy "Timex"? He wanted a watchdog.
Why did the pony eat a cough drop? It was a little horse.
What do mermaids wear under their shirts? Algae-bras.
What did the salmon say after hitting a wall? "Dam!"
How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
Did you hear about the gardener who was excited for spring? She wet her plants.
What gift did the dentist get upon retiring? A little plaque.
Why are barbers always on time? They know a lot of shortcuts.
What do bananas wear around the house? Slippers.
Why did the spoon quit his job? He was going stir-crazy.
I told a bad chemistry joke once. It didn't get much of a reaction.
What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party? "Aye, Matey!"
Why shouldn't you play hide-and-seek at a hospital? You'll always be found in the ICU.
Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Why are elephants so wrinkled? No one knows how to iron them.
How many skunks does it take to make a stink? Just a phew.
What did one vampire say to the other? "Is that you coffin?"
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
Why don't insects get sick? They have anty-bodies.
Did you hear about the guy who deposited his watch at the bank? He wanted to save time.
What's a donut's favorite song? "Cruller Summer."
Why do chickens have a lot of parties? They enjoy hen-tertaining.
Why did the pigs move? They were living in a high-grime neighborhood.
I just had the dentist pull out all my teeth. I'm never doing that again.
Why don't seashells take baths? Because they wash up on the beach.
Why shouldn't you trust jungle animals? They're always lion.
What do fish use to buy groceries? Sand dollars.
Did you hear about the robbery at the glue factory? It was a stickup.
Why did the suspenders go to jail? They held up a pair of pants.
Why don't mountains ever get cold? They have snowcaps.
Funny knock-knock jokes
Knock, knock! Who's there? Barry. Barry who? Barry nice to meet you.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida big lunch and now I'm full.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Iona. Iona who? Iona car. Do you?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Ash. Ash who?! Need a tissue?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any more knock-knock jokes?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Impatient duck. Impatient duck ... QUACK!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Barbie. Barbie who? Barbie-cue is my favorite.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub, bathtime is over.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Birds. Birds who? No, but owls do.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison Wonderland.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Shirley. Shirley who? Shirley you must know who I am by now.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Norma Lee I don't tell a lot of knock-knock jokes.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Jewel. Jewel who? Jewel know when you open the door.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Pooch. Pooch who? Pooch your coat on, it's chilly out.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Weed. Weed who? Weed make a cute couple. Let's go out!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Appeal. Appeal who? Appeal is what you find on a banana.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Catsup. Catsup who? Catsup in a tree, better get a ladder.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Genoa. Genoa who? Genoa good barber? I need a haircut.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Hank. Hank who? Oh, you're welcome!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little loan, I'm short on cash this month.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday to you!
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
