20 Funniest Big Lebowski Quotes, Ranked
While it wasn’t throwing rocks when it came out and proved to be a box office flop in 1998, The Big Lebowski — which turned 25 years old this year — is now considered one of the Coen Brothers’ best movies for the clever way it depicts classic film noir elements from the perspective of an aging pothead named The Dude (Jeff Bridges). However, in addition to its stupefying central plot and colorful characters, what makes the film so darned interestin’ is its endless quotability with unmistakable winners like “This aggression will not stand” to the inspirational “The Dude abides.” Yet, for this list, we decided to focus on our picks for the 20 funniest Big Lebowski quotes — starting with some honorable mentions.
Honorable Mentions
"I told that kraut a fucking thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!" — Walter (John Goodman) explaining his inability to play in a bowling tournament on the Jewish day of rest.
"Ah, nice marmot" — The Dude, when the German nihilists break into his house before forcing their illegally domesticated rodent on him in his bathtub.
“I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug" — The Dude sulking over how he could have avoided this very complicated case had he not contacted Jeffrey Lebowski (David Huddleston), the millionaire with whom he shares his given name and whom the rug-pissers mistook him for.
"Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car" — The Dude watching his vehicle go up in flames, courtesy of the Nihilists, after everything it had already been through.
"And I would like my undies back" — Walter to the Nihilists, whom he earlier tried to rip off by passing a briefcase full of his dirty laundry as ransom money.
20. “I Bowl. Drive Around. The Occasional Acid Flashback"
After the older Jeffrey Lebowski’s estranged daughter and eccentric artist, Maude (Academy Award winner Julianne Moore) and The Dude sleep with each other, she asks him about himself and what he does for recreation. This is his response, which is pretty fine way of summing of the character in more confined way than The Stranger’s (Sam Elliott) opening narration attempts.
19. "Hey, This Is A Private Residence, Man"
A key reason The Dude’s is, arguably, the best Coen Brothers movie character is his calm reaction to the most uproarious situations, such as when the Nihilists (Peter Stormare, Flea, and Torsten Voges) break into his house. He makes no attempt to defend himself, nor bothers to get out of his bathtub, but does, very feebly, remind them of the fact that they are trespassing.
18. “That's Marvelous"
When The Dude first visits “The Big Lebowski” — as he comes to call the eponymous millionaire — he also meets his porn star wife (and, later, supposed kidnapping victim), Bunny (Tara Reid), who then offers our hero a “most generous offer,” to put it lightly, in exchange for $1,000. When she mentions the caveat that the presence of Lebowski’s assistant, Brandt (Philip Seymour Hoffman), would multiply the cost a hundred fold, he lets out a bellow of nervous laughter and this falsely disapproving remark.
17. "Brother Seamus? Like An Irish Monk?"
The Dude confronts a man who has been tailing him named Da Fino (the late Jon Polito), who then explains that he is a private eye hired by Bunny’s parents, but by using the more obscure term, “Brother Shamus.” Having never heard that prior to when I first saw The Big Lebowski, I certainly I don’t blame The Dude for assuming he was talking about a friar hailing from the Emerald Isle.
16. "My Only Hope Is That The Big Lebowski Kills Me Before The Germans Can Cut My Dick Off"
Amid all the ins, outs, and what-have-yous that The Dude faces, his biggest concern seems to be the Nihilists’ threat to cut off his “Johnson” if he does not meet their ransom demands. Well, I admit, that it certainly makes the heat that The Big Lebowski gives him pretty tame by comparison.
15. “Every Time A Rug Is Micturated Upon In This Fair City, I Have To Compensate The Person?”
In an attempt to get his soiled rug replaced, The Dude seeks help from the other Jeffrey Lebowski, whom Jackie Treehorn’s thugs assumed he was. However, the millionaire refuses to help The Dude in any way, nor acknowledge his direct involvement in the situation, and posits this question that Huddleston delivers with such deliriously funny smugness.
14. “Sometimes You Eat The Bear… And Sometimes The Bear, Well, He Eats You"
I — and many other Lebowski fans, I'm sure — have since used this piece of advice The Stranger offers The Dude as a means to cope with life’s occasional misfortunes. What makes it so memorably comical to me is the way Sam Elliott’s cowboy-hatted drifter pronounces “bear” as “bar,” which is also the way The Dude pronounces it when repeating the quote later on.
13. "Smokey, This Is Not ‘Nam. This Is Bowling. There Are Rules.”
One of the most memorable Big Lebowski moments sees Walter accusing fellow bowler Smokey (Jimmie Dale Gilmore) of stepping over the line, inciting an argument that ends with Walter putting a gun in his face. Before then, however, he tries to emphasize the fact that they are competing in a league tournament and, in the process, demonstrates his remarkable skill of relating nearly every situation to his storied service during the Vietnam War.
12. "That Rug Really Tied The Room Together, Did It Not?”
Despite his volatile tendencies, Walter does prove to be a very supportive friend, especially when showing his sympathies over his ruined rug with this quote that The Dude soon adds to his own repeated vocabulary. What a hip way to describe the value of a decorative item, too, eh?
11. "Hey, Careful, Man! There's A Beverage Here!"
The Dude’s preferred drink is the milky, vodka-based cocktail known as the “White Russian,” which he holds onto for dear life as he is forcibly dragged into the Big Lebowski’s limo for a meeting. Despite the line’s inherent simplicity, the urgency in Bridges’ delivery makes it so indelibly funny and a real treat to use in real life on the rare occasions it is prompted.
10. “Nobody Fucks With The Jesus"
One of Big Lebowski’s most iconic side characters is rival bowler and convicted sex offender Jesus Quintana, played by John Turturro, who later reprised the role in a spin-off he also directed called The Jesus Rolls. While one might assume that the Cuban-American would pronounce his name in the traditional way, as Jesùs, he prefers to be called Jesus, like how many pronounce the name of God's son, when flashing this threat toward Dude, Walter, and Donny (Steve Buscemi).
9. "Three Thousand Years Of Beautiful Tradition, From Moses To Sandy Koufax, You're Goddamn Right I'm Livin' In The Fuckin' Past!"
The only other thing that Walter brings up as often as ‘Nam is Judaism, which he began practicing after marrying his wife, Cynthia. Yet, since they are now divorced, The Dude cannot seem to understand why he remains so devout and believes he may just be hung up on his ex. However, Walter assures him that his love for Cynthia is gone, but his passion for the religion, its history, and its followers (including a certain decorated Dodgers pitcher) thrives.
8. “Obviously, You're Not A Golfer"
While Jackie Treehorn’s thugs (Mark Pellegrino, Philip Moon) may claim that The Dude is “not dealing with morons here” later on, they prove the contrary right off the bat — not only by mistaking the unemployed hippie for a millionaire, but also needing help identifying a bowling ball. The Dude spits many great comebacks at them in this scene (the funniest we will get to later), but pointing out one thug’s foolishness by name checking an entirely different sport is some champion snark.
7. "I Don't Like Your Jerk-off Name. I Don't Like Your Jerk-off Face. I Don't Like Your Jerk-off Behavior. And I Don't Like You, Jerk-off"
Perhaps The Dude’s funniest confrontation in the film is with the chief of police of Malibu (Leon Russom), who is under the impression that he was being an abusive drunk at Jackie Treehorn’s house and had to be ejected. However, this “real reactionary” makes his advisement that the Dude stay out of his “nice, quiet beach community” personal with this extensive and comically repetitive insult.
6. "He Fixes The Cable?"
Personally, I find The Dude’s sarcastic indifference to certain situations almost aspirational, especially in a scene when Maude shows him a Treehorn-produced porno called Logjammin’, which stars Nihilist leader Uli Kunkel as a cable repairman and Bunny as his client. When Maude assumes The Dude can probably guess what will happen next, his response — which ignores activity common in adult films — is a masterclass in subversive humor.
5. "Life Does Not Stop And Start At Your Convenience, You Miserable Piece Of Shit"
I am so glad that Steve Buscemi decided against his initial instinct to turn down the part of Donny because, with anyone else in the role, Walter’s frequent bullying of him would have just been sad and not as consistently funny as it turned out to be. We’ll get to Walter’s go-to way of stifling his meek bowling partner soon, but for now, we must highlight this uniquely harsh way of putting Donny down for merely wanting to be part of a conversation a Lebowski quote I also like to use in real life when the rare moment allows.
4. “Hey, At Least I'm Housebroken"
We mentioned earlier how The Dude demonstrates his clever craftsmanship of comebacks on Treehorn’s thugs when he first meets them, but he saves the best for the end of that scene. After Woo — who took the liberty of urinating on the valued rug — says The Dude “looks like a fucking loser,” The Dude spits back this supreme quip that I am sure a lot of dog owners appreciate.
3. "Yeah, Well, You Know, That's Just, Like, Uh, Your Opinion, Man"
When we first meet Jesus Quintana and his silent bowling partner, Liam (James G. Hoosier), he warns The Dude, Walter, and Donny that he is going to be the victor of their upcoming bowling tournament. The Dude, masterfully retaining his zen disposition, retorts with what I believe may not be the ultimate Dude quote — easily “The Dude abides” — but one that best represents his personality and distinct communication skills (or lack thereof) with a beautiful simplicity.
2. "This Is What Happens When You Fuck A Stranger In The Ass!"
Goodman was actually understandably nervous to shoot the exemplary scene this lewd quote comes from, in which Walter takes a crowbar to a fancy sports vehicle he mistakenly assumes belongs to a "stonewalling" Larry Sellers (Jesse Flanagan), who previously stole The Dude’s car. However, I must admit, that I can’t decide which version of the line is funnier: the NSFW original or the TV edit, in which Walter shouting, “This is what happens you FIND a stranger in the ALPS!”
1. "Shut The Fuck Up, Donny"
Some things just tend to get better, and funnier, with repetition and I think there is no better example of this — out of the many there are in The Big Lebowski — than Walter’s foul-mouthed insistence that Donny refrain from speaking. What’s especially hysterical about it is how there is no apparent reason for why he can never talk, but I think the ambiguousness is what makes it so funny and, just about, the film’s funniest quote.
Do you abide this list and agree we achieved the ultimate collection of The Big Lebowski’s funniest quotes? If not, well, you know, that’s just, like, uh, your opinion, man.
