32 Absolutely Ridiculous Schemes Kramer Got Up To On Seinfeld
There are arguments to be made about who deserves to be called the best Seinfeld character, but we can’t imagine a better candidate for the long-running sitcom’s absolute funniest character than Cosmo Kramer. Portrayed to multi-Emmy-winning acclaimed by Michael Richards, Jerry Seinfeld’s neighbor earns laughs for his unique hairstyle; his bizarre, high-energy hijinks; and even the way he opens doors. However, his best moments from the best Seinfeld episodes — which we have collected below — saw him engaged in some truly absurd schemes, some of which he fell totally backwards into. Giddy up!
Driving To Michigan For A Huge Bottle Deposit (Season 7, Episode 20)
In “The Bottle Deposit,” Kramer teams up with Newman (Wayne Knight) to collect as many glass bottles and aluminum cans as possible and bring them to Michigan, where they would be eligible for a refund of $0.10 a piece. However, Kramer abandons the plan when he spots Jerry’s stolen car and goes as far as throwing out their load to help the mail truck run faster.
Starting The "Peterman Reality Tour" (Season 8, Episode 21)
After selling off his own stories for J. Peterman (John O’Hurley) to use in his memoir, Kramer realizes he has an opportunity to cash in and starts a bus tour highlighting himself as "The Real Peterman.” According to a featurette on the Seinfeld Season 8 DVD set, this “Muffin Tops” subplot is actually based on a real bus tour hosted by Kenny Kramer — a friend of co-creator Larry David who inspired Richards’ character and wanted to prove he is the “real Kramer.”
Using Cooking Butter To Shave (Season 9, Episode 1)
In the premiere of Seinfeld’s final season, Kramer tries a new method of shaving with butter, but he goes too far when he lathers his entire body in it, sits out in the sun too long, and comes out “cooked.” It leads to one of the Newman’s funniest moments when postal worker can no longer fight his desire to eat his best friend.
Helping Jerry Get Illegal Cable (Season 2, Episode 10)
Kramer insists on hooking up Jerry with an unlawful cable installation like he has in his apartment, but the fear of getting caught plagues Jerry with paranoia and nightmares. After changing his mind about the job, Jerry agrees to pay the Russian installers their fee, but rescinds when they charge $250 more than promised. It ends up costing Jerry his TV, which the Russians pettily destroy.
Suing For Hot Coffee (Season 7, Episode 3)
After an accidental “cafe latte” spill leaves a burn on his stomach, Kramer goes to Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris, in his first appearance as the lawyer who almost got his own spin-off) in hopes to get a payout, but he ends up settling for a lifetime of free coffee. Kramer’s story from “The Maestro” — a continuation of an incident from “The Postponement” — is clearly a commentary on an infamous case of a woman who sued McDonald’s for hot coffee, which is actually not as frivolous as one may have assumed if you learn the harrowing facts.
Widening The Lanes Of His Adopted Highway (Season 8, Episode 16)
In “The Pothole,” Kramer believes that the New York highway he recently adopted would be improved with wider a lanes — a job he handles himself by painting over the dividing lines. Inevitably, the formerly four-lane road results in a lot of traffic and many confused drivers, and his attempt to reverse the job with paint thinner ends up being one of the direct causes of Newman’s mail truck catching on fire.
Trying To Claim A Bank's $100 Offer For Not Saying "Hello" (Season 7, Episode 24)
In the Season 7 finale, “The Invitations,” Kramer tries to cash in on a bank’s promise of $100 if an employee does not greet them with “Hello” — a policy he takes too literally after a teller only says, “Hey.” When the manager (played by Stephen Root) believes this “greeting that starts with an ‘H’” is worth $20, Kramer accepts immediately.
Training A Rooster For An Illegal Fight (Season 8, Episode 11
When Kramer purchases a chicken to produce his own eggs, he finds out the bird — named “Little Jerry Seinfeld” — is actually a rooster. Hoping to get something out of the deal, he enters his new pet into an underground competition, but he interrupts it when he learns Little Jerry’s opponent is undefeated.
Helping Elaine Kidnap A Dog (Season 7, Episode 1)
Some of Seinfeld’s funniest moments involving Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) see her at a decidedly low point, like in “The Engagement,” when she takes Kramer’s suggestion to orchestrate an “unfortunate accident” for her neighbor’s obnoxious dog. They team up with Newman to kidnap the pooch, which actually manages to find its way home and with incriminating evidence. Newman ends up saving them offscreen by tipping off a swarm of mailmen.
Using His Accidental Tony To Mingle With Celebrities (Season 8, Episode 22)
While working as a seat-filler at the Tony Awards in Seinfeld’s Season 8 finale, “The Summer of George,” Kramer is mistaken for one of the producers of Best Musical winner, Scarsdale Surprise, and he doesn’t bother to correct the mistake. When the real producers confront him, they offer to let him keep the trophy if he does something they are too afraid to do: fire the production’s star, the late Raquel Welch.
Dropping A Rubber Ball Of Oil Out A Window (Season 9, Episode 2)
Kramer hires a college intern named Darin (Jarrad Paul) to take care of his daily tasks so he can have more time to develop ideas – such as rubber bladder that would help prevent oil tanker spills. With help from George (Jason Alexander), they test the potential Kramerica Industries product by dropping a rubber ball of oil out a window, which proves faulty when it splatters on Jerry’s girlfriend, Claire (Sarah Peterson).
Commandeering A Firetruck (Season 7, Episode 7)
After listening in on the fire department’s activity with a police scanner in “The Secret Code,” Kramer offers to help them figure out more efficient routes, but they refuse. When he accidentally knocks the rear driver unconscious right as an emergency breaks out, Kramer seizes the opportunity to pilot the truck himself. Long story short: they don’t make it to the site of the fire.
Helping Newman Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket (Season 4, Episode 4)
In the second-half of a Season 4 two-parter (“The Pitch/The Ticket”), Kramer agrees to help Newman avoid punishment for speeding by claiming the postal worker was racing to help him in a moment of desperation. However, Kramer’s recent head injury causes him to forget the fake testimony while standing trial, causing Newman to lose the case (and his patience).
Helping Jerry And George Plant The Marble Rye (Season 7, Episode 11)
When Kramer starts driving a horse-drawn carriage, George enlists him to take his fiancée’s parents for a ride while he and Jerry try to replace a marble rye George's parents took back from them. Unfortunately, he is forced to bring them back too soon after the horse — on a diet of Beefarino — begins to suffer from gas of an unbearably fowl odor.
Trying To Cease His Mail Delivery (Season 9, Episode 5)
After receiving too much junk mail, Kramer’s attempt to block off his mailbox with brick backfires, forcing him to directly ask to post office to pause his deliveries for good. This goes against Newman’s warnings of a threatening conspiracy, which Kramer ignores, only to be intimidated into receiving mail again by Postmaster General Henry Atkins (Wilford Brimley).
Rescuing A "Pig Man" From A Hospital (Season 5, Episode 5)
When Kramer becomes convinced that he discovered a half-human, half-pig hybrid at a hospital, he conspires to “liberate” him himself. However, he is forced to admit this creature was just an overweight mental patient after he steals George’s car.
Installing A Garbage Disposal In His Shower (Season 9, Episode 9)
In “The Apology,” Kramer decides to extend his time in the shower to a more permanent length and even tries to make it feel more homely and practical by installing a garbage disposal in the drain. These leads to one of Seinfeld’s funniest food-related gags (“gag” being an especially appropriate word here) when he serves Elaine, David Puddy (Patrick Warburton), and Elaine’s colleague, Peggy (Megan Cole), a salad he prepared in his shower.
Assisting A Murderer In A Low-Speed Chase (Season 6, Episode 2)
Seinfeld indulged in multiple jokes about the O.J. Simpson trial (such as modeling Jackie Chiles after Johnnie Cochran) and one of the more overt examples occurs at the end of “The Big Salad.” After fearing his argument with former MLB player and golfing buddy Steve Gendason (Dean Hallo) drove him to murder, Kramer agrees to drive him to see his pet fish as police pursue their Ford Bronco on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Reversing His Apartment Door Peephole (Season 9, Episode 12)
Kramer and Newman come up with the idea of a reverse peephole to detect any ambushes from inside their apartments, which gets Newman in trouble with the superintendent, Silvio — a memorable side character played by Jon Polito. When Kramer discovers Newman is having an affair with Silvio’s wife, he takes an impromptu opportunity to frame Joe Mayo, whom Silvio attacks from inside his apartment. Jerry later points out a reverse peephole could have prevented the incident.
Helping Jerry Film Bootleg Movies (Season 8, Episode 4)
While at the movies, Jerry discovers Kramer’s friend, Brody (Neil Giuntoli), is a bootlegger who forces a reluctant Jerry to keep filming Death Blow when too much candy makes him ill. Impressed by his work, Brody asks Jerry to bootleg an “arty film” called Cry, Cry Again — a gig Jerry forcefully puts on Kramer, who does a terrible job.
Heating His Clothes In A Calzone Oven (Season 7, Episode 20)
Kramer tries to keep his clothing fresh and warm as often as possible, which means quite a few trips to the laundromat. However, while picking up some calzones for George, he thinks he find a loophole and asks the owner, Mario (Peter Allas), if he can put his shirt and jacket in an oven. It works a little too well, though, leaving the clothes burnt and too warm to wear.
Using A Test Drive To Run Errands (Season 9, Episode 11)
During a visit at Puddy’s car dealership, Kramer tells a salesman (Daniel Hagen) that he is in charge of choosing Jerry’s car and wants to test it to its full advantage, which includes completing some of his daily tasks. Soon, the trip turns into a daring and exciting crusade to see how far they can drive with the fuel meter at "E." Inevitably, when the car runs out of gas, Kramer leaves his fellow traveler on the side of the highway.
Helping Elaine Get Revenge On Putumayo (Season 8, Episode 20)
Elaine’s vendetta against an ignorant clothing store employee (Victoria Mahoney) worsens when she learns she owns both Putumayo and competing store, Cinco de Mayo — leading her to enlist Kramer’s help to ruin the business. The initial plan is marking the entire inventory to $0.99 each, but when that backfires, Kramer tries to removing the anti-moisture packets from the clothing, at which point Elaine gives up.
Intercepting Moviefone's Business (Season 7, Episode 8)
When Kramer learns his phone number is just one digit off from Moviefone — a now defunct call-in service for looking up movie theater showtimes — he decides to accept the responsibility. Of course, it eventually gets him in hot water with the real Mr. Moviefone (Russ Leatherman), who threatens to break down his door for stealing his business.
Developing The "Bro" (Season 6, Episode 18)
Out of Kramer’s many bizarre inventions, perhaps the most memorable is an “upper body support undergarment” for men that he comes up with after learning Frank Costanza (the late Jerry Stiller) is “carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.” Unfortunately, their chance to put “The Bro” (or “Manssiere”) on the market goes south when salesman Sid Farkus (Patrick Cronin) expresses interest in Frank’s estranged wife, Estelle (the late Estelle Harris).
Avoiding The Cable Company (Season 7, Episode 14-15)
In the Season 7 two-parter, “The Cadillac,” Plaza Cable discovers that Kramer has been getting HBO and Showtime for free — a luxury he is not willing to give up, especially after the time he waited nine hours for their services. Thus, an intense cat-and-mouse ensues that even expands beyond the apartment building, until the cable guy, Nick (Walter Olkewicz), admits that his industry’s services do need improvement.
Pouring Cement In A Laundromat Machine (Season 2, Episode 7)
When Jerry discovers that the money he kept in his laundry bag is missing, he and Kramer suspect that cantankerous laundromat owner, Vic (John Capodice), took it for himself. Kramer hatches a vengeful plan to put a bag of cement in one of Vic’s machines while Jerry’s distracts him, only to discover that Kramer unwittingly had the money, which Vic takes to finance the machine repairs.
Suing Sue Ellen For Causing He And Jerry's Car Crash (Season 7, Episode 12)
Candy company heiress Sue Ellen Mischke (future Desperate Housewives cast member Brenda Strong), inexplicably wears Elaine’s gag gift — a bra — as a top, which later distracts Jerry and Kramer, causing them to wreck George’s car. Their plan to take her to court is ruined by Jerry’s attraction to her and a suggestion by Kramer’s caddy, Stan (Armin Shimerman), to have her try on the bra over her shirt.
Starting A Rickshaw Service (Season 9, Episode 17)
Kramer and Newman’s prospects to bring rickshaws to New York City falters when one of their potential hires — a homeless man played by Napoleon Dynamite’s Jon Gries — takes off with the carriage during his tryout. The duo track down the rickshaw, which Kramer is forced to pull it back with Newman riding. When he sets it down to rest at the top of a hill, it rolls down backwards and hits Elaine’s co-worker, Zach (Jonathan Penner), on the day he happens to get out of rehab.
Hiring His Own Cuban Cigar Rollers (Season 8, Episode 17)
Kramer asks Jerry to pick up some Cubans for him while visiting his parents in Florida, only to learn he was not referring to the coveted cigars, but actual human beings from Cuba with whom he intends to start a cigar-rolling business. When Kramer learns they are actually Dominicans, ruining his business plans, Jerry enlists them to help the Mandelbaums with their crêpes, which they end up rolling too tightly.
Helping George Retrieve A Yankees-Autographed Birthday Card From An Ill Boy (Season 7, Episode 4)
Kramer accidentally pawns off a birthday card signed by the entire Yankee roster that George was supposed to give to his colleague to sign for George Steinbrenner. When it falls in the hands of a young boy in the hospital (Thomas Dekker), Kramer tries to make a deal with the kid that involves convincing his favorite player, Paul O’Neill, to make two home runs.
Jumping Through Hoops For Lloyd Braun's Sanity (Season 7, Episode 10)
After Lloyd Braun (Matt McCoy) suffered a nervous breakdown following the events of Season 5’s “The Non-Fat Yogurt,” Kramer tries to keep him feeling happy and sane in any way he can. This involves eating a clearly rotten hot dog from a renovated movie theater and forcing Jerry to start wearing glasses to support Elaine’s lie, which she told to avoid sitting next to Lloyd, whom she once dated.
Kramer may be far from normal, as these crazy schemes would have one believe, but we wouldn’t have him any other way. Relive these classic Seinfeld moments by streaming the sitcom with a Netflix subscription anytime.
