"Agatha All Along" knows exactly what it's doing

The following contains spoilers for the first two episodes of "Agatha All Along"

Ever since the second season of "Yellowjackets" wrapped last spring, there's been a gaping hole in ambiguously queer television content. And, no, “True Detective: Night Country” doesn't count, receiving LGBTQ+ canon demerits for all the times we were made to watch extremely queer-coded Chief Liz Danvers (Jodie Foster) sleep with some old man. But, in imagining Marvel Studios coming to the realization that Pride Month should really take place in spooky season and that holding out hope for brief, queerbaiting scenes in major studio releases is the equivalent of a mini-Snickers, in terms of satisfaction, "Agatha All Along" scratches an itch with the perfect thing . . . gay witches.

A nine-episode miniseries spinning off from the 2021 Disney+ hit, "WandaVision," Kathryn Hahn — a favorite of queer women near and far — resumes her role as Agatha Harkness, a snarky ancient witch whose powers were stolen by Wanda Maximoff (Elizabeth Olsen), stuck in a fabricated realm of The Scarlet Witches' making in Westview, New Jersey, until she fights her way out of both the spell put upon her, and her clothes, with the help of top-energy character Rio Vidal (AKA, Green Witch), played by Latinx bisexual sassy pants, Aubrey Plaza.

And if you don't think this isn't great news . . . you haven't heard their witchy fight banter yet.

In "WandaVision," Agatha assumed the era-hopping role of nosey-neighbor Agnes — feigning befuddlement in '80s legwarmers and poofy hair, and pie-carrying '50s garb, to keep an eye on Wanda as she used the townsfolk as puppets in her forced fake reality for herself and her long-dead vibranium-based male android husband, Vision (Paul Bettany) — but, as the lyrics of the song that plays in Episode 7 of that particular miniseries portend . . . it was Agatha all along.

When we meet back up with Agatha in "Seekest Thou the Road," the first episode of the spinoff, she's now stuck in the role of a gum-cracking stereotypically "why I oughta”-voiced detective, investigating a fake murder in a new fake narrative devised by her neighbors (including "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" alum Emma Caulfield as Sarah Proctor) to keep her busy. But when Vidal — masquerading as a federal agent — instructs her to "claw her way out" of her many previous identities, things get really interesting. And really homo.

"It's a universally acknowledged truth that a lady cop cannot be good at her job and have a healthy personal life at the same time," Plaza as Vidal says, standing at Agatha's door holding a large pizza box and wearing an outfit that — if purchased at Spirit Halloween — would be labeled "lesbian detective."

Later, when Agatha tells her, "I have a lead in the case," Vidal responds, "That's not why I came here, but go ahead." And the subtle/not-so-subtle sexual tension doesn't end there.

"If you wanna be in control, you can be," Vidal tells Agatha in an earlier scene, as they're verging on revealing their true witchy selves to each other. And, at this, millions of gays watching from their various electronic devices cheered.

A scroll through social media following the "Agatha All Along" premiere party in Los Angeles on Monday will reveal countless fans picking up on the fact that, yes, Marvel knows exactly what it's doing with this show.

"I knew Agatha wasn’t straight when I saw her sitting and standing like this," writes @scarletwdaily in a post to X, sharing photos of Harkness looking like a character from "The L Word."

And the cast themselves are down with the show being referred to as "the gayest Marvel project yet."

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At the premiere in Los Angeles, Plaza was asked by a reporter for Variety to weigh in on the show being referred to as such, and said, "It better be, because that's what I signed up for. I think it is."

And Hahn, fielding a question on that same subject at the event, said, "I love it. I mean, I think it's pretty . . .  well, what I think is most exciting about it is, that's not exactly what it's about. It's so normalized. But, yeah. I definitely think it is."

Joining Hahn and Plaza's queer witches is another key character referred to only as "Teen," played by Joe Locke ("Heartstopper"), who I marked in my notes while watching as "eyeliner gay," due to him never being named in the first episode. His character is first introduced as he's breaking into Agatha's house to steal some manner of relic, quickly revealing himself to be a newbie witch himself, uttering a cantation that aids in breaking Maximoff's spell over her.

As someone who knows an intermediate amount about the MCU beyond what's gay, what's not gay, and that "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3" is one of the saddest movies I've ever seen in my life, this "Teen" character is very mysterious, but fans on the internet seem to have a pretty good idea as to his true identity.

In Episode 2, "Circle Sewn with Fate Unlock Thy Hidden Gate," "Teen" is driving Agatha to rally up a makeshift coven of witches including Lilia Calderu, A 450-year-old Sicilian witch played by the always delightful Patti LuPone, and when asked by Agatha to talk about who he is, and where he's from, his words are muted. In other scenes, such as one where he's specifically asked his name, squiggle lines appear over his lips, suggesting that a spell has been cast to prevent him from revealing himself. I can only assume that the redacted dialogue was something along the lines of, "Yeah, I'm gay too," and/or, fall in line with what the rest of the internet is saying, which is that "Teen" is actually Billy Maximoff, one of Wanda's sons who we saw as children in "WandaVision," who grows to develop his own powers to become an ultra-powerful witch going by the name Wiccan. But, again, I know very little about the mythology here. I'm mostly watching for gay reasons, because the writing is good, and because I wear a locket around my neck with a photo of Kathryn Hahn inside of it.

Just kidding about that last part. But not not the rest of it.

Gay revelry aside, "Agatha All Along" is a sharp and hilarious bag of tricks that far exceed the expectations I had for this spinoff. Even the credits are cool as hell. And making an offer like this for the queers makes MCU okay in my book. The nerds have had enough courses, it's time for us to feast now.

Oh no, it truly is the season of the gay witch. Blessed be.

The first two episodes of "Agatha All Along" are available to stream now on Disney+, with new episodes airing on Wednesdays.