'The Bachelor' Episode 3 recap: GLOW with the flow
Warning: This recap for Episode 3 of The Bachelor contains spoilers.
Happy Week 3, rose lovers! We’ve reached the point in Arie’s “journey” where a previously invisible contestant suddenly gets thrust into the spotlight. Case in point:
Literally who is that, and what is she doing on a one-on-one with Arie?
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The episode begins with Harrison dropping off the date card, which Jane Doe (pictured above) promptly snatches. Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M. Bibiana, and Krystal, you’re going on a group date — and clearly someone on The Bachelor’s Date Planning Committee binge-watched GLOW over the hiatus:
That’s right, “ladies” — you’re all about to audition for G.L.O.B., the “Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor” Wrestling League! (Side note: Please, Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, establish an “Outstanding Use of an Acronym in a Television Reality Show” category before next year’s Emmys.)
Angela and Ursula take the women through their paces, teaching them how to do forward rolls, how to bounce off the ropes, and how to “sell” the pain of getting (fake) kneed in the solar plexus by an opponent. Unfortunately, when it comes to the “selling” part, all of the women suck — and Angelina doesn’t hesitate to let them know it.
For the love of all that’s holy, Bibiana, why are you talking back to the former professional wrestler? Sure, she’s staying in character and just took a potshot at your mother, but you voluntarily signed up for a reality show that pits women against one another as they fight for a husband. If you have no righteous indignation about that, then you should probably just zip it.
Raven 2 is next to spark Angelina’s wrath when she refuses to expend any effort during a “lock-up” demonstration.
Bish, please. Weren’t you listening when Arie told Team Bachelor that he’s “looking for somebody who can kinda have fun in any situation”? You and Bibiana can take your sour pusses and your eye rolls and go cry in the corner. Meanwhile, Maquel and Baby Bekah are totally rolling with the punches, as it were.
Next, it’s time for the “ladies” to get their assigned pro-wrestler persona, and man, are they are on brand.
Krystal:
Bekah:
Marikh:
Raven 2:
Bibiana:
And how could Team Bachelor throw a wrestling date without inviting back the fan favorite who apparently does this for a living, Mr. Kenny “the Pretty Boy Pitbull” King?
Hey, at least it’s not rated R. Basically, Arie’s “match” with Kenny consists of the Bachelor flopping around limply while the Pretty Boy Pitbull pounds him repeatedly into the mat. Naturally, though, Kenny is enough of a gentleman to let Arie win — after all, his harem is watching.
Bekah and Maquel (“the Lunch Lady”) are summoned to the ring first. Just as they did during rehearsal, both women do their best to put on a convincing show, and it isn’t half bad. The Cougar faces off against Jacqueline next, and the Prom Queen definitely gets her bell rung.
Not really sure what was supposed to be going on during Marikh and Lauren B.’s routine, but if they were going for a “sleepwalking porn stars” vibe, they definitely succeeded.
After moping and whining their way through rehearsal, Bibiana and Raven 2 actually demonstrate some enthusiasm during their bout, which features headlocks, arm twists, and some almost decent trash talking. It may have been a merely moderate effort, but the Bachelor loves it.
Quiz time! If I were to ask you, based on two weeks’ evidence, who would try to steal away Arie first at the postdate cocktail party, which woman would you pick? Exactly: Krystal. So why are all the rest of the “ladies” shocked — shocked! — when she does it again tonight?
Close your mouth, honey, or your jaw might freeze that way.
The Bachelor certainly isn’t discouraging Krystal’s behavior. “You were damn sexy today,” he gushes. “You were driving me crazy … I had to check myself a little bit.” He goes even further, advising Krystal to “just come grab me and say, ‘Give me some attention’” if she’s feeling neglected. Not that Krystal needs to be reminded.
It’s right about now that Bibiana falls into the same trap that so many women before her have stumbled into as well: Thinking the Bachelor wants to hear anything negative about a woman he’s clearly into, in this case Krystal. “I feel like at this point I need to voice my concerns with Arie,” Bibiana declares. So she does.
Arie does his best to make Bibi feel heard, and then he heads off to make out with Raven 2 and Baby Bekah (separately) in the Airstream trailers. Krystal is “a little confused” when Arie hands over the date rose to Bekah, so she decides the best solution is to “be more aggressive.” (Not pictured: The producer nodding furiously in agreement from behind the camera.)
The next morning, Krystal sits on the couch and performs a monologue by the pool — about how women have always “hated on” her, how she’s had to “struggle” and be “so strong” and “work so many hours” doing plyometric squats on the beach, or whatever. She also confides to her audience of one — an impressively poker-faced Marikh — that she and Arie “know we want to end up together, and this is just a process that has to be done in order for us to be together.”
Ladies and gentlemen, it has not even been three weeks.
Onward, “process”! The only one-on-one date of the week goes to … one of the blond Laurens.
Seriously, who? Not that it matters, I guess. Arie meets the Lauren at his favorite private airport, where their jet awaits to whisk them off to wine country. I will say, whoever this woman is, she looks closer to 21 than 31 — and the Bachelor does seem pleased that she’s “mature.”
Over merlot, Arie and Lauren chat about early bedtimes and his growing love of cardigans. But can this Lauren go deeper? Arie admits he doesn’t know much/anything about her, and Lauren admits that she might have some “guards up.” I think it’s too much to hope that we’ll see a woman sent home from a date this early in the season … or is it?
You see, Lauren can’t stop talking. Like, at all. Maybe she’s so worried about holding back that she’s forcing herself to go to the opposite extreme — but even she admits that during dinner she’s “all over the place.”
And then something terrible happens.
Yep. Arie’s so bored, he’s actually eating on the date. After word-vomiting for almost the entire meal, Lauren tries to rein it in and salvage the night. “I feel like I have not been myself this whole dinner,” she tells the Bachelor. “I like me, and I’m cool with me, but I feel like I’ve been a little all over the place.”
So does Arie. He holds up the date rose, and with a carefully assembled “sad face,” he gives Lauren the boot: “I really, really wanted this for us, but I’m sorry, I can’t give you this.” And with that, rose lovers, we are down to exactly one Lauren. Suitcase Ninja, do your thing.
The “ladies” are rocked to their core by this unexpected turn of events. Caroline bursts into tears; Bekah and Becca huddle together for emotional warmth; and Krystal — who, let’s face it, is pretty psyched — delivers a eulogy for her fallen sister, who she says is “an amazing, beautiful soul.” She concludes by telling the other women to live each cocktail party as though it’s their last, because time on this earth with Arie is simply not guaranteed.
When Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese arrive at the park for group date No. 2, Arie assures them that their outing will be not involve violent smashing of any kind, or a significant budget. Instead: Dogs! And not just any dogs, Dynamo Dogs!
For today’s date, Arie and the women will be putting on a live show with these adorable trained pups. Pretty fun, right? Well, unless you’re Annaliese — her collection of traumatic experiences also includes a run-in with her grandparents’ cranky dog Sunshine, who bit her when she was a kid. “I almost lost an eye,” she says gravely. Naturally, we’re treated to another gauzy reenactment.
Speaking of comedy, Chris Harrison’s co-commentator for the dog show is none other than Best in Show star Fred Willard. And there sure is a lot of color to commentate — as none of the dogs seem interested in listening to their temporary trainers, and the kids in the audience are either crying our outright heckling the performers.
Unlike on the wrestling date, no one pouts or cries when the dogs make them look silly, and Arie deems the outing a success. Things continue to go smoothly at the postdate cocktail party, as Arie has comfortable chats and kisses with everyone … except Annaliese. By the time she sits down with the Bachelor, she’s so wound up and tense that she can’t think of anything to say. “I feel like I’m going home,” she whines to the other women later. “His body language was so different.” Hmmm … let’s go to the videotape:
Yeah, it’s not looking great for Annaliese.
The date rose, by the way, goes to Chelsea.
When the final cocktail party of the week rolls around, pretty much every woman but the ones holding roses (Chelsea, Baby Bekah) is worried that she’ll go home. Side note: I like that Arie is starting to preempt any “she stole him right away” drama at these parties by choosing the first woman himself. (Watch and learn, future Bachelors.)
Bibiana can’t wait to get her alone time with Arie, because she’s arranged for the interns to set up a “private” (except for the cameras) cabana in the front driveway, where she and the Bachelor can relax and gaze at the stars.
Unfortunately for Bibiana, Arie and Lauren B. just happened to stumble upon this romantic star-gazing setup first. Even more humiliating is the fact that the Bachelor sends Bibi away when she comes to interrupt.
“Uhhh … the struggle is real,” sighs Bibiana in her confessional. “The devil is working OT, man.” Hey! Mike Fleiss may be an evil genius but I think calling him “the devil” is taking things a bit too far.
Having discovered the driveway daybed — aka the perfect make-out spot — Arie starts bringing other women there, including Krystal and Baby Bekah. Speaking of Miss Junior Varsity, she’s trying a little too hard to come across as the carefree, independent woman: “I think you know that I don’t need you,” she purrs to Arie. “You’ve been attracted consistently to people who need you more than you need them, and it’s scary to be with somebody who doesn’t need you to complete them.” It’s almost believable — but those of us who’ve experienced the hell that is being a woman in her early 20s can see that Bekah’s really a swirling mass of insecurities masked by a perky bod and a pixie cut. Still, Arie is just eating it up. “Gosh, you’re blowing my mind right now!” he marvels, before commencing yet another make-out session.
Our Bachelor also lavishes attention on Raven 2, who doesn’t seem to mind that the “special” setup he had made for her is just a pair of redneck stereotypes: Hay bales and moonshine. But perhaps the most awkward moment of the night is Annaliese’s sad attempt to get a kiss from Arie. Maybe it’s because she always looks like she’s about to burst into tears, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just not that into her, but the encounter is not a success.
“I’ve really wanted you to kiss me,” Annaliese begins. “And I hear that girls have to go in for the kiss first — and I’m not really that type of girl.”
“So … are you asking me?” replies the Bachelor, clearly annoyed. And then he drops the bomb.
Man, could there be anything more disheartening than getting rejected by the kissing bandit? The man will lock lips with almost anything that moves! Anyhow, dear Annaliese, you should probably prepare to take a moment and say your goodbyes.
What’s that? You’re going to hunt Arie down and ask him point-blank if he’s into you instead? Sounds like a totally solid plan. “I literally can’t watch this,” groans Bekah, speaking for all of us. So, Annaliese asks — and Arie answers.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “Can I walk you out?”
Who will join Annaliese in the Reject Limo? Let’s find out! Arie doles out roses to Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, the Last Remaining Lauren, Brittany, Becca K., Sienne, Krystal, Raven 2, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh — meaning we must also say goodbye to our favorite Miami firebrand Bibiana.
“Someone needs to just give me a break,” sobs Bibi. Someone will, mami — as soon as it’s time to start casting for Bachelor in Paradise.
Welp, rose lovers, what say you? Did Arie send the right women home? Is Krystal right in assuming she’s his favorite? And what, exactly, is wrong with Jenna?
Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pitch American Horror Story: Annaliese’s Childhood to Ryan Murphy and FX.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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