Bachelor in Paradise recap: Brooks and Tasos join the Bippers

Just one… more… week, rose lovers. If Chris Harrison hadn’t told us so in his blog last week, I wouldn’t have believed it. As one astute commenter pointed out, there are so many Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects—all of whom seem to have extremely flexible work hours—that Bachelor in Paradise could theoretically go on as long as Coronation Street. Thankfully, our long tropical nightmare is about to be over.

In the case of Michelle Money, though, it’s just beginning. “Right before the rose ceremony, Cody told me he’s in love with me,” she tells Team BiP, pausing for the impact of that statement to sink in. “It’s just too much for me.” Seriously, Cody—don’t you know Marcus and Lacy are hogging all the premature love in Paradise? (“They’ll definitely get married,” says Sarah. “They’ll have tan babies.”) They’ll also definitely get the first date card this episode—a trip to Dos Ojos Cenotes, a lush expanse of jungle with an underwater cave system. Somehow, this makes Lacy think of dinosaurs. “I like Try-on-isaurus Rex,” she declares, citing the little known, tiny-armed dinosaur that really liked to shop.

Hey you two! Over here! Yes, your date continues at the bottom of this deep, dark hole, which is in no way a metaphor for anything about your relationship! Once inside the cave, you just know Team BiP is trying to fill time when they spend a full 28 seconds on footage of Lacy trying to pronounce “stalactites” and “stalagmites.” Also, do the producers hate Lacy and Marcus? Why else would they send them to a scary cave filled with hideous bats? Throw in a great white shark and some tarantulas and this date would be one-stop shopping for all of my phobias.

“Today’s date, I wanted it to be showmantic and intimate, but we hear these bats, hundreds of them, and she’s terrified,” says Marcus. (I listened three times: He said “showmantic.”) Here’s an idea, pal: If you don’t want bats to freak out, stop shining the spotlight on them! But, you know, facing fears brings people closer, blah blah blah. Case in point: Lacy finally spits out the l-word.

Holy cow, that’s a seriously flawless Warrior pose—Cody’s pretty flexible for such a bulky guy. That should serve him well when he curls up into the fetal position after watching this episode and hearing Michelle say, “I’m still just like, ‘What’s your last name again?'” Ouch. Also having doubts: Sarah. While she still really likes Robert, there’s a new arrival in Paradise, and he’s finally washed his hair. Please welcome Brooks Forrester! “I really wanted Brooks to come to Paradise,” she admits. “I’m physically attracted to him.” Naturally Brooks, who has a date card, is “drawn” to Sarah as well, but Robert isn’t about to let that happen: “If you ask her, I’ll kill you.” Awwww, it’s so adorable when he tries to be tough.

So Brooks and Jackie head off to Casa Banana, where he impresses her with serviceable Spanish skills, and she wins him over with her “good disposition” and general hotness. “I will admit sometimes she was talking and I was, like, looking at her and I wasn’t even listening,” says Brooks. No worries, pal—she gets that all the time. After whipping Brooks’ butt in foosball, Jackie lets him give her a peck on the cheek. Still, he’s pleased: “It’s like, ‘I like looking at your face. I also like hanging out with you, and I thought the date went really well.'”

NEXT: Christy leaves her fate in “God’s hands”

Of course, Brooks still flirts up a storm with Sarah as soon as he gets home, which Robert might have noticed if he weren’t so busy fumigating his scalp with hairspray. To be fair, Robert was primping for a surprise beach rendezvous he planned for Sarah. And it’s a good thing he did because between her initial “‘Oh sh–‘ moment” and planning a Whole Foods shopping outing for her first date with Robert in the “real world,” Sarah realizes that Brooks isn’t the one that she wants (ooh ooh ooh, honey).

Elsewhere on the beach, Michelle—who had been planning to yank Cody’s heart out of his chest by sending him packing—changes her mind/chickens out after he offers her some vague assurances. “I know I’m scaring you, but it comes from the heart,” Cody explains. “I’ll give you as much space as you need.” Michelle’s all, Sold! Now pucker up, beef boy. Now that that’s settled, Michelle can spend her energies trying to save Christy from Jesse—and herself. Disgusted by Kovacs’ general douchebaggery, Ms. Money marches away to tell the clueless blonde that Jesse is bragging about his sexual conquests with her and Lucy. “At this point, I want to go home,” says the crestfallen Christy. “But I’ll leave that in God’s hands.”

Cue the chorus of angels: Here comes… Tasos. Wait, seriously? What was it about this picture that says “That’s a guy the ladies are really gonna go for”? But hey, anything’s better than Kovacs—which is precisely why Michelle pushes Tasos to take Christy on a date. (And yes, Jesse, it is a little racist for you to keep calling him “Taco.”) We don’t really need to talk about the date, right? Honestly, the only way Tasos won’t get Christy’s rose is if he murders a pregnant sea turtle in front of her on their date.

Hey now/You’re an all star/Get your game on/Go play… Beach activities montage!

Zack—whose name I’ve been spelling wrong this whole time and yet I can’t bring myself to care—gets the next date card. Of course he scrambles to ask Jackie, in hopes that he can snatch her back from Brooks. Why no “comical” montage about AshLee hulking out because she didn’t get to go on a date, Team BiP? Just because she doesn’t have muscles like Cody doesn’t mean she’s not capable of eating one of your legs like a chicken bone.

Jackie. Zack. Caves. Margaritas. Star lamps.

Rose ceremony roll call!

Couple count:

Lacy & Marcus

Michelle & Cody

AshLee & Graham

Sarah & Robert

Up for grabs:

Brooks

Zack

Tasos

Jesse

Jackie

Jesse makes a few Hail Mary attempts to humanize himself, telling everyone that he knows this is a “once-in-a-lifetime experience” and that they’ll totes be BFFs after the show is over. Plus, he informs Harrison, “If you have this, like, last ditch act of desperation, that’s a bad move.” Yes, yes it is.

Zack’s last minute act of desperation involves pulling a string bracelet from the hotel gift shop out of his pocket and tying it on Jackie’s wrist: “You put the bracelet on, and you make a wish. At some point, it will fall off—and that means your wish will come true.” Or your fingers will fall off because Zack tied it so tight he cut off circulation to your hand—one or the other. (Side note: Look at that sweet catering spread!)

NEXT: Paradise? For giant scary bugs maybe.

Anyhow, Brooks knows he has to bring his A-game if he wants to stay, so he borrows someone’s nail polish and gives Jackie a manicure. And she LOVES it. “[Zack has] been really sweet, but then Brooks came in, and Brooks is just so funny, and he’s the kind of guy who will have me laughing nonstop,” says Jackie.

As for Christy, she’s happily moved on to Tasos… until Jesse busts out some rudimentary reverse psychology in (say it with me) a last ditch act of desperation. “I’m gonna make this easy—I’m walking away,” he tells Christy, and then he proceeds to make this proclamation to the assembled Bippers: “I’m leaving, and I actually came here and accomplished everything I want to accomplish.” So, I guess, getting one last use out of your white blazer before Labor Day officially ends? Everyone hugs Jesse goodbye, but no one bothers to tell him there’s a huge-ass bug climbing up his back.

Meanwhile, Michelle and Lacy are sitting with Christy at the giant tree table telling her she owes it to herself—nay, to all of womankind!—to tell Jesse the Jerk off before he leaves Paradise. “The women allow it, so guys think it’s okay to treat women like this,” fumes Lacy. “It’s not okay!” OMG, thinks Christy, she’s totally right! and huffs off to Jesse’s Reject SUV, which is conveniently still sitting in the driveway. “I know what you did to me, Lucy, and Jackie,” she says, leaning awkwardly into the back seat. “It’s not right!”

Soon enough, Lacy and Michelle crowd in to take their shots—Michelle, especially, goes on and on about how “disrespectful” Jesse’s been to the other women before finally offering a magnanimous, “This is between you two.”

Let’s wrap this up, shall we? Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, AshLee gives hers to Graham, Sarah goes for Robert, Michelle hands it over to Cody, Christy chooses Tasos, and Jackie offers her rose to… Zack? Wow, I really thought Wolfman Brooks had it all locked up. Must have been a pretty crappy manicure.

The Bippers—all happily coupled up and already two out of three sheets to the wind—are all set to drink themselves into oblivion yet again until Harrison arrives with his twist on Julie Chen’s “expect the unexpected” non-bombshell: “Tomorrow, everything’s about to change here in Paradise.” (Let’s just pretend that his next sentence was “It’s going to be a cash bar.”)

What will happen next? If the previews are any indication, the answer is a lot of kissing, a lot of crying, and someone leaving suddenly via a red Reject Cab. Who will it be? God, I’m so happy that after next week I’ll never have to care again. How about you, rose lovers? Post your thoughts on Jesse, Cody, and whatever the holy hell crawled inside Brooks’ shirt. Don’t forget to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to preemptively fumigate my home.