The Bachelorette recap: JoJo picks her final two

Oh, Luke. There are not enough words for the irony of the moment that kicks off this week’s episode, because let us all remember it was another JoJo who once sang “Too Little Too Late” just 10 years ago. And now, it’s another JoJo who’s going to repeat the sentiment.

After she gathers herself, JoJo eventually returns to her four suitors and narrows them down to three, handing roses to Jordan, Robby, and Chase. So basically, Luke’s last-minute “I love you” served only one purpose: To confuse everyone and make him feel worse.

Sitting down with Luke, JoJo begins what is already going to be a bad conversation with, “This hurts me so much,” which is possibly the worst way to start things. It’s not about you right now, JoJo.

She tells Luke that along the way, she started to struggle with knowing where he stood — and the poor guy, who looks like someone just told him cowboy boots have gone out of style, is so shocked. Apparently someone once told him actions speak louder than words, and now, “we’ll never know what we could’ve had,” he tells her.

In what is genuinely a heartbreaking moment, JoJo tells Luke she’s going to miss him, to which he responds, “I miss you already.” Then, before getting in the limo, he apologizes to her. And once in the limo, he simply says, “I was in love with her, but I never got the chance to love her.” #LUKEFORBACHELOR

Meanwhile, JoJo’s left feeling like Luke’s goodbye shouldn’t have been that hard and wondering if she’s made a mistake. “I miss him already,” she says, as three men stand inside completely unaware that JoJo couldn’t care less about them right now. In this moment, all she can think about is the fact that she just said goodbye to the best kisser in the house… and right before the fantasy suite!

Thankfully, by the time JoJo wakes up the next day in Thailand, she’s feeling confident in the three relationships she has left. Furthermore, she’s ready for some “exotic overnight dates” that will hopefully lead to some clarity.

First up, she gets to spend a stormy day with Robby, who cannot wait to remind her about the time he told her he loved her in Uruguay. You never know, she might’ve forgotten about that when they switched time zones.

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“I’ve been honest with you since day one,” Robby says, pointing to his Uruguay confession as the “perfect example” of his honesty. Then, deciding to mansplain the very definition of “honesty” to JoJo, he tells her, “I told you I loved you and that was me being honest. If I didn’t, that would’ve been lying.” At this point, Robby has said the word “honest” far too many times to actually be honest.

After JoJo and Robby make out while some people rub their feet, they head to dinner, where JoJo alerts him to the fact that it was on this day during her time on The Bachelor when she told Ben she loved him. And keeping that in mind, JoJo wants to make sure Robby’s confident in their relationship.

NEXT: Welcome to the fantasy suite

JoJo asks Robby if his family was skeptical, and he admits they all thought it was happening a little fast — because they’re sane — but to prove just how committed he is, Robby shows JoJo a note his father somehow slipped into the pocket of his jeans without Robby knowing? I’m sorry, is your father a professional pickpocket? Do you have no feeling in one of your legs? We’ve seen how tight your jeans are, Robby, and that is not an easy task.

The note claims Robby’s father “can really tell” he loves JoJo, and all I can think is: Robby forged this. Because as he tells JoJo, if she ever doubts his feelings for her, she can read that letter from the man who knows him best. This seems highly convenient. Also, does Robby’s father have something against a face-to-face conversation?

Heading into the fantasy suite, you know Robby means business when he starts calling her “Joelle.” According to him, he wants to be the guy “who’s late to work because he can’t get out of bed with her.” So if you were wondering what his priorities were…

JoJo, claiming she’s “ready to be intimate with Robby,” leads him into the fantasy suite as they close the door behind them — and I do everything in my power not to picture what’s happening behind closed doors.

Waking up the next morning, JoJo and Robby experience their first breakfast together, during which his hair is still perfectly coiffed. With her heels resting on the bedside table — not picturing it, not picturing it — she finishes breakfast and leaves Robby behind to get ready for her date with Jordan.

After Jordan arrives on a boat, JoJo asks, “Do you know what we’re doing today?” as if anyone’s ever answered “yes” to that in all the years of this show. As she informs him, the two of them are going on a hike that takes them to a beautiful cave, and eventually, a temple where they’re not allowed to kiss.

Sitting at the temple, Jordan asks what JoJo’s parents are like. (Clearly, this guy didn’t watch last season.) JoJo tells him her dad is the worrier, her mother’s the partier, and her brothers are the bodyguards. Okay, so that’s my version of it, but I think it works. Jordan, ever the idiot, tells JoJo his biggest fear about this whole thing is not being able to look her dad in the eye and let him know he will love her daughter forever.

Then, when JoJo asks him what the next year of his life looks like, he says he doesn’t know for sure. I’m betting that right about now, JoJo wishes this temple had a no-talking rule instead of a no-kissing rule.

Jordan sort of recovers when he tells her he can move to wherever she lives, but when he says, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” her only response is, “That’s what Ben said,” which is the bad, much-less-funny version of “that’s what she said.”

Later that night, when JoJo questions how you’re supposed to know if you’ve found the one, Jordan tells her that when he thinks about his wedding day, it’s with her — and for the first time, he feels like he’s looking at the person he wants walking down the aisle. And just like that, Jordan gets the key to the fantasy suite.

NEXT: Could JoJo love THREE men?

The next morning, after JoJo once again shares her enthusiasm for breakfast, Jordan says, “We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction.” In a really exciting direction? So like, they made it to third base and he’s excited to hit home plate?

After thanking Jordan, JoJo heads out to get ready for Chase, already knowing she’s in love with two people. Could Chase be the third?

For Chase’s date, JoJo takes him somewhere where he can make out with fish before they hop on a boat, catch the attention of a very intrigued monkey, and head to a nearby beach. As Chase puts it, it’s so great to be in a magical place filled with “monkeys, fisherman, salt water, and fish.” So clearly, Chase loves fishing.

JoJo tells Chase his hometown blew her away. After she straddles him on dry land, she straddles him some more in the water, rounding out a fun-filled day together that proved multiple things: the biggest of which being that Chase does, in fact, have a personality.

While JoJo’s getting ready for dinner with Chase, Robby shows up, because he’s missed her so much. Spending the night together in the fantasy suite has “made this time apart hard” for Robby. It’s literally been a day. ONE DAY. If anyone has the potential to grow into a Stage 5 Clinger, it’s Robby.

As he tells JoJo, “That taste…of what a lifetime would be like. It was incredible.” Remember how I was so good about not picturing it? Yeah, excuse me while I vomit.

Robby tells JoJo he’s ready to be her husband and give her a life filled with “country clubs and coloring books,” a.k.a. my personal hell. (Except for the coloring books.)

Getting back to Chase, JoJo sits down to dinner, where Chase tells her he wants a future with her. He wants to be the man she deserves. Furthermore, he wants to “smear that lipstick.” HELLO, CHASE.

JoJo gives Chase the fantasy suite card, and once they arrive, he’s quick to tell her he’s “100 percent” in love with her. He’s never told anyone that first, but he knows he doesn’t want to be in a world without JoJo. Keeping that in mind, JoJo gets up and leaves him alone.

Realizing she didn’t feel what she’d expected to feel when he said that to her, she tells him, “I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you.” And she doesn’t want to be unfair by spending the night with him.

NEXT: Chase’s farewell

As he chugs some champagne, JoJo gives him the kiss of death: She grabs his shoulder, which has become the telltale sign she’s breaking up with you. Heartbroken, Chase asks, “So now love equals get the f–k out?” For you and Luke, yeah, it kind of does.

JoJo explains she’s trying to be fair and honest and not blindside him, but he claims she’s done just that. “I wanted to fall in love with you,” she tells him, before making it worse by saying that if they’d met outside of the show and she didn’t know men like Robby and Jordan existed, they’d probably be happy together. (You know, because telling him you’d be happy settling for him if you didn’t know better options existed probably feels great.)

Chase hugs her before walking away, but JoJo can’t let him leave thinking she knew this was coming when she gave him the fantasy suite card. JoJo tells him she wanted to see her “forever future” with him, but she couldn’t. All Chase says is “I saw it” before grabbing a beer and heading for the Depression Mobile.

The next day, JoJo makes her way to the rose ceremony, where I’m really hoping that rose-loving monkey was the same one from her date with Chase and he’s come to give Chase the rose he deserves!

But in reality, JoJo tells Jordan and Robby she sent Chase home…only to be proven wrong when Chase shows up, wearing his tightest pants yet to make sure JoJo knows exactly what she’s missing.

To quote Robby: “Does that happen? Do people get sent home and come back from the dead?” Um, no, Robby. Because this show doesn’t murder everyone they send home.

As the monkey eavesdrops, Chase explains he cares too much to let their relationship end the way it did. He resorted to anger last night and now, in a very sweet moment, he tells her, “I’m proud of you; I’m impressed by you; I admire you.” He explains that he’s not mad, but rather, he wants what’s best for her. Chase still has “an immense amount” of love for her. For the record, he does think she’s wrong. He wants to be with her, and if that happens down the road, he tells her to let him know. “My heart’s still open for you.”

With that, Chase walks away, followed by his true soulmate, that monkey.

After JoJo questions why she didn’t fall in love with Chase, she returns to give roses to Jordan’s messy coif and Robby’s immovable coif. And yet, at this point, JoJo’s STILL feeling sick to her stomach at the thought of being in love with two men.

I’ll see you all back here tomorrow night for the Return of Chad Men Tell All. Until then, I’ll be on a plane…to Texas, to marry Luke.