The Bachelorette recap: So, So Many Tears on My Pillow

Just for fun, I’m going to begin this week’s recap with some synonyms for “difficult” that are not “hard,” because let’s be honest, the vocabularies on this show are “brutal.” Take your pick:

Arduous

Burdensome

Challenging

Tough

Trying

Everybody good? If I asked you to describe Kaitlyn’s week, what would you say? Personally, I’d call it a sh-t show, but hey, I never claimed to have a particularly impressive vocabulary.

We kick off act one of Kaitlyn’s sob fest right where we left off last week: Shawn is in Kaitlyn’s room, where his freak out is completely freaking her out. (Not to self: Next time, list synonyms for “freak out.”)

Sitting on Kaitlyn’s couch, Shawn asks if Kaitlyn is in love with him. Her response: “I’m falling in love with you.” It seems good enough for Shawn? I can’t really tell; his face hasn’t changed in the last three episodes. And just as things seem to be going well, with Kaitlyn leaning in to kiss him, he lets this one slip: “I don’t know if I can do this.”

It’s not the best timing, but it certainly catches Kaitlyn’s attention. After a brief moment of sheer panic, she tells him that as much as it sucks watching her kiss other guys after she all but told him that he’s the one during their “off-camera time” in Texas, he’s got to deal with it. It’s the name of the game, bro.

So, after a reassuring make-out, Shawn heads back out into the hallway with his beer in hand.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is still half-convinced that he knows the truth about her intimate night with Nick. (Yes, because he totally seems like the type of guy not to absolutely lose his mind over something like that.)

Cut to the next day, where Shawn is clearing his head outside while Tanner and Nick discuss how much Shawn hates Nick. Spoiler: It’s a lot.

Kaitlyn, feeling guilty for pretty much everything, has to refocus because she has a two-on-one date today with Joe and JJ. As she sums them up, JJ is attractive, funny, and edgy. (But really, he is none of those things.) Joe, on the other hand, is hilarious, romantic, sweet, and a real treat. Based on those summaries alone, it’s safe to assume Joe is screwed. Nobody wants to sleep with “a real treat.”

Heading to the date, JJ declares that today is “the biggest day of my recent life.” Sorry to break it to you JJ, but you only get one life. Regardless, we all know how JJ is feeling: Confident, even though he plans to tell Kaitlyn about the biggest regret of his life today. (Not his recent life; his whole life.) And no, sadly he’s not apologizing for his wardrobe.

But we’ll get to that in a minute. First, we have to go on an awkward boat ride with both men throwing their arms around Kaitlyn and, let’s be real, probably each other.

The big date plan? A picnic for three, during which Joe quickly steals Kaitlyn away to tell her that he’s falling in love with her—as if she couldn’t already tell from the passion in his kisses.

JJ, taking a totally different approach to the date, decides it’s time to come clean to Kaitlyn so that they can build their relationship on “rock, not sand.” Clearly, Kaitlyn forgot to use “wise” when describing him.

Prepared to “completely humble himself today”—for the first time—and show “the worst of me”—for arguably the third time, at least—JJ tells Kaitlyn that three years ago, he cheated on his wife. (This is where you pretend you’re shocked.)

NEXT: Is JJ still feeling confident?

Kaitlyn seems to handle the news well, saying that JJ seems to be a man who learns from his mistakes, but moments later, she will say goodbye to JJ, because she doesn’t think it’s fair to keep him away from his daughter if she doesn’t see a future with him. But before you get too excited for Joe, Kaitlyn’s not ready to give him the date rose just yet.

Instead, she’s going to awkwardly hold the rose in front of Joe’s face as the two of them get back on the boat and continue their date. Long story short, Joe gets the rose.

Back at the hotel, Shawn is still sitting outside. Has he been out here all day? Has he eaten? Has anyone mistaken him for Ryan Gosling’s cousin? I have so many questions!

Sadly, answers are not right around the corner, but all I know is that if Shawn is this upset about Kaitlyn kissing other guys, his head is literally going to explode when he finds out that Nick got to know “every part” of Kaitlyn. I know, I know. I’m so sorry. I hate myself for that one too.

By the time Joe gets back with the rose and starts to talk about how he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn, Shawn once again leaves the room. Heading straight to Kaitlyn’s room for round 2, he answers my earlier question: He hasn’t been able to eat all day. In other news, he probably was sitting out there all day.

So while Kaitlyn cries to the camera about her difficult day, a producer informs her that Shawn is on his way to her room. Once again convinced that he knows she slept with Nick, Kaitlyn doubles over sobbing.

By the time she opens the door, they’re both exhausted, but Shawn feels like he needs to explain his previous visit. He tells her that their night together in Texas really messed with his mind. She might’ve thought that reassuring him was a good thing, but clearly, Shawn can’t handle it.

Again, Kaitlyn reminds him that this is the process, and basically, he needs to get used to it. He agrees and leaves her room—or so it seems. We can all agree that his hesitation at the door was him waiting for the cameras to go off so he could come back in, yeah?

Okay, it’s rose ceremony time, and today, Kaitlyn is full of regrets:

Regret 1: Reassuring Shawn too much when she still has feelings for other guys.

Regret 2: Sleeping with Nick.

Regret 3: Wearing a see-through dress.

Okay, so she didn’t say the last one, but she’s (hopefully) thinking it.

Heading into this cocktail party, Nick, Jared, and Joe already have roses, but even they feel like crap when Kaitlyn enters and tells everyone that she’s had the worst week ever.

So while the guys analyze what she meant by saying she’s made mistakes—Shawn thinks it’s all about him; Nick can’t fathom that it’d be about him—Ben Z steals Kaitlyn away to comfort her with his freakishly broad shoulders and manly hands. All it takes is one kiss from Ben for Kaitlyn to realize that she’s #blessed with the 8 remaining guys.

NEXT: Kaitlyn cries, Nick cries … but does Ben Z cry?

But her attitude quickly changes when Ben H pulls her away and calls her out on her night with Shawn. (Can you imagine what he’ll say about her night with Nick?!)

According to Ben, when she came to visit them off-camera, he went to take a shower, and when he came back, Shawn was very obviously happier. Ben, putting two and two together, realizes that Kaitlyn clearly said something to Shawn that made him so happy. He doesn’t want to know the details; he just had to let her know that he’s been thinking about that night. But hey, he’s still here. And hey, Kaitlyn’s tear ducts haven’t dried up yet! So there’s a lot of good happening.

When Nick finally gets his time, he has two questions for Kaitlyn: Are you okay? (No.) Am I the reason your week sucked? (Yes.) But all Kaitlyn wants to say to him is that he better keep his mouth shut. Apparently one of the guys brought up her night with Nick—no, she won’t tell him who it was—and she doesn’t want Nick to kiss and tell.

Of course, Nick is all “I wouldn’t talk about our relationship at all if I didn’t have to,” which we all know is crap because the guy has to be the first to comment on everything. But he reassures her that he never used the words “passionate” or “intimate” when describing their date. And if anyone says otherwise, they’re going to face the wrath of Nick.

Well, I’ve got news for you, Nick. According to my recap last week, you told the guys that your date “was intimate.” So bring it on, guy. I’m positive I could take you.

But of course Kaitlyn believes him, and more than that, she finds herself very attracted to his emotional side when he starts to cry and talk about the last time he was on this show.

You’d think that the number of times he brings up Andi would be alarming to Kaitlyn, but it’s not. You’d also think that Nick kissing her with his eyes open would be alarming. But again, doesn’t seem to be an issue. So let’s leave these two alone before the kissing gets any louder, shall we?

Finally getting a moment with Shawn and his blue suit, Kaitlyn tells him that she regrets that night in Texas because it put a strain on their relationship, and as a result, they probably need to take a step back and decide if they can get back to the lovey dovey place again. But first, Shawn needs a rose.

Heading into the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn tells Chris Harrison that she needs to work on making impulse decisions. But we knew that. What we don’t know is why the show seems to be hiding Chris Harrison from us this season. My only guess is that his entire tie collection is as hideous as tonight’s?

Back to the action, the roses go to… Ben H, Chris, and Shawn, which means that Ben Z and Tanner are going home. No, Ben Z doesn’t shed tears at the thought, but he comes close. Is this where we start the Ben Z for Bachelor thread? Because if this show is good at anything, it’s testing people’s tear ducts, and Ben’s got 11 years worth of fluid built up in there. (Yes, that’s how they pick the next Bachelor in my world.)

The next day, the guys get on a bus to head to their latest destination—Killarney, Ireland. Well, everyone but Jared, who gets to take a road trip with Kaitlyn in her Mini Cooper.

Happenings on the bus: Shawn talks to Nick! Well, he’s all, “I don’t know how you’re doing this two times; I can barely do it once” or whatever … and then he falls asleep. But still, there was interaction!

Happenings in the car: Kaitlyn hits multiple curbs—and I refrain from making a Nick joke when Jared says “you totally just hit that”—followed by countless road trip selfies. Then, they stop to kiss the Blarney Stone before dropping Kaitlyn off at her very beautiful, very haunted hotel/castle.

Finishing their road trip with a drink in her room, Kaitlyn and Jared cheers, followed by Jared clearly being possessed by a spirit in the hotel. Why else did his eyes just roll into the back of his head while they kissed?

Off with the guys, Cupcake thinks Killarney reminds him of his own soul: It’s old but well kept … and filled with churches and hotels. Sure, why not?

NEXT: No hometown for (half of) you!

Once everyone gets settled in their newest destination, Chris Harrison finally makes his presence felt when he talks to Kaitlyn about her many mistakes. His response? “We all screw up.” It’s where you go from here that’s a sign of your character. (Someone’s clearly on season 5 of their binge-watch of Friday Night Lights.)

But speaking of Kaitlyn’s mistakes, Harrison is here to inform her that hometown dates will not be next week. Because she’s given so much off-camera time to a few of the guys, the producers are throwing serious shade only feel it’s fair for everyone to get the same treatment before bringing the families into things. So here’s how things are going to go:

This week, Kaitlyn will narrow the guys from six to three.

Then, she will have overnight dates with those three men.

Only then will she meet the families of the final two.

This way, everyone will have had off-camera time before hometowns. It’s what Harrison likes to call “evening the play field.” It’s what I like to call “testing Kaitlyn’s boundaries.”

Kaitlyn’s in. The guys? Well, they’re confused as always, but Cupcake doesn’t get much time to think it over before he heads out for his first one-on-one date.

As both he and Kaitlyn pick out the perfect scarves for their date, Kaitlyn throws her hair up in a ponytail. For some reason, Cupcake reads her up-do and her swollen eyes as her being “excited,” when really, all she’s giving off is an “I don’t give a f–k” vibe.

In a helicopter, Chris and Kaitlyn head to the Cliffs of Moher. Yes, Chris, that’s what she meant by taking you to the edge. Nothing gets past you, does it?

Enjoying a lovely picnic together, Kaitlyn asks Chris what their life would be like together and if he’d move away from Nashville. Short story: No. His pitch: It’s a great place to raise kids and life with him would mean that they’d be very close—good, because you’d be married—and “it’d be fun.” Also, he likes adventures. Somebody get this guy a career in sales!

And with that, Kaitlyn sobs into her scarf as she tells Chris that the connection just isn’t there. And for some reason, even after being rejected, he’s all “tell me more,” but she can’t really explain why it isn’t working. So instead of giving him false hope, she gets on a helicopter and leaves him on the literal side of a cliff.

Did he just say, “I really wish that you could be my life” or “my wife”? Either way, it was after she dumped him, and I’m now incredibly uncomfortable.

Left on his own, Chris declares Kaitlyn “a mess” before he realizes just how scared he is. (As he should be, because she just left him without a way to get home.)

Wait, why is that producer standing so close to him? Oh god, it’s probably because he just sobbed with such enthusiasm that he almost went off the cliff. Somebody pull him away from the edge!

Poor Chris didn’t think he was going to cry. (But did he think he was going to sob hysterically?) Either way, it’s now his turn to sob into his scarf—they really are the most useful accessory.

And that’s where we leave things, with Cupcake on a cliff and a huge shock headed the guys’ way when Kaitlyn hopefully comes clean next week. For now, I’m going to go scarf shopping … and maybe buy a new tie for Harrison while I’m at it.