Bill Burr Delivers ‘SNL’ Post-Election Monologue: ‘Ladies, You’re 0-and-2 Against This Guy’
“Nice to be here on such a fun week,” Bill Burr, tasked with hosting the first post-election episode of Saturday Night Live, told the audience. “We’re gonna keep it light.”
After saying he wanted to avoid politics and going into a quick riff on the flu and vaccines, Burr then tackled the elephant in the studio: The re-election of Donald Trump.
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“Alright ladies, you’re 0-and-2 against this guy. 0-and-2. But you learn more from your losses than your wins, so let’s get into the game tape,” Burr said.
“Ladies, enough with the pantsuit, okay? It’s not working. Stop trying to have respect for yourselves. You don’t win the office like on policy; you gotta whore it up a little. I’m not saying you have to go full Hooters but find a happy medium between Applebee’s and ‘your dad didn’t stick around.’ You all know how to get a free drink… Make a farmer feel like he’s got a shot. Swing a state over a little bit.”
Burr then added that he was happy that “the stupid election” was finally over, as it was a long process to determine what was already a foregone conclusion.
“Everybody knew who they were voting for four years ago, and then they just drag you through a year and a half of this stuff. Like, who was sitting there watching the debate still undecided. Two of the most polar opposite people ever. It’s like, ‘Let’s see what the orange bigot has to say. What about the real estate agent who speaks through her nose?’” Burr added.
“I can’t believe Trump didn’t win this thing four months ago… When I was a kid, if you were running for president and you got shot and didn’t die, that was the end of the election. There is nothing you can say. Everybody would just go, ‘This guy’s the man. He is the king.’”
He continued on the assassination attempt, “I think the number one reason Trump survived is those herky-jerky movements that he does. You can’t just nail the guy down. The guy is a lunatic. He literally got shot and immediately jumped back up and started yelling in the direction the bullets were coming from unarmed. That’s not a sane human being.”
Burr ended the politics portion of his opening monologue by recounting his favorite moment from the campaign trail: When Trump pretended to work at McDonald’s.
“That’s the only time I’ve seen that guy truly happy. He was glowing,” Burr quipped. “When he got behind the counter, it was like he was behind the stage at Springsteen or something. He was like, ‘Oh my god, this is where they make the French fries,’ and he was sticking a couple extra in one and he goes, ‘Hey, whoever gets this one is going to be excited.’ It’s like, ‘Oh my god, was that empathy of the people, Donald?'”
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