Britney Spears says Madonna pulled her through dark times with 'strength I needed to see'
Purchases you make through our links may earn us and our publishing partners a commission.
Britney Spears’ music career might have cooled by the mid-2010s, but for years, interest in her personal life surpassed any creative productions.
Having grown up in a swirl of relentless paparazzi coupled with the advent of the internet as a celebrity stalker, Spears never knew a world of privacy.
In her memoir “The Woman in Me” (Gallery Books, 288 pp., out now), Spears, 41, details the unyielding drama in her life through triumphant performances, severe depression, betrayal by family, her agonizing 13-year conservatorship and recent return to the charts with Elton John.
It’s an illuminating journey that is often deeply sad. But Spears, who describes herself as someone who hid in cabinets as a kid but also sought the spotlight at school recitals, is sharing her scars and all.
Here are some of her biggest revelations:
Spears was so in love with Justin Timberlake ‘it was pathetic’
The former Mickey Mouse Club alums moved from friendship to romance at the same time their careers were peaking in pop music, as Timberlake became the curly-haired centerpiece of 'N Sync.
“We were like magnets … we’d just find each other immediately and stick together,” Spears writes.
Spears acknowledges their famed denim-on-denim matching outfits at the 2001 American Music Awards with a light touch, explaining that coordinated clothing was common in the South when mothers were rounding up their kids for church and these days, she’s pleased to see the look still emulated as a Halloween costume.
But she admits, “at first, I thought it was a joke. I didn’t think my stylist was actually going to do it, and I never thought Justin was going to do it with me … I get that it was tacky, but it was also pretty great in its way.”
Spears calls having an abortion ‘one of the most agonizing things’ she’s ever experienced
After getting pregnant with Timberlake’s child, Spears, then 19, decided on abortion, mostly because of Timberlake’s apprehension (He “definitely wasn’t happy about the pregnancy,” she recalls).
Because of the frenzy surrounding the pair’s romance, going to a doctor or hospital would risk their privacy. Only Spears, her assistant/family friend Felicia Culotta and Timberlake knew about the procedure. Spears describes the “excruciating cramps” she experienced after taking the appointed pills and laying on the bathroom floor “sobbing and screaming” for hours because “the pain was unbelievable.” Timberlake joined her on the bathroom floor and strummed his guitar to soothe her.
More: Britney Spears' abortion comments spark talk about men's role in reproductive health care
Spears was vilified after Timberlake broke up with her
The end of the couple’s relationship came via text from Timberlake, whom Spears maintains cheated on her numerous times while they were together. He soon released his solo single, “Cry Me a River,” with a video that featured a Spears look-a-like cheating on him.
The truth, Spears says, is she was paralyzed with sadness back in her Louisiana hometown while “he was happily running around Hollywood … everyone felt very sorry for him. And it shamed me.”
Spears recounts going to clubs or sports events and when the song would come on, she would be showered with boos.
“Justin told everyone that he and I had had a sexual relationship, which some people have pointed out depicted me as not only a cheating slut but also a liar and hypocrite. Given that I had so many teenage fans, my managers and press people had long tried to portray me as an eternal virgin – never mind that Justin and I had been living together, and I’d been having sex since I was fourteen.”
Spears’ friendship with Madonna is genuine
Spears and the pop maven made headlines for their 2003 MTV VMAs performance (Spears confirms the famed kiss between them was improvised for the live show), but they’d known each other for years from running in the same European awards shows circuit.
Following her breakup with Timberlake, Spears moved alone into Cher’s former apartment in New York. One of the few visitors she allowed while hibernating in sadness was Madonna.
“Stunningly beautiful, she exuded power and confidence. She walked straight to the window, looked out, and said, ‘Nice view.’”
Spears credits Madonna’s confidence for helping Spears assert herself and also introducing her to Kabbalah.
“I needed a little guidance at that time. I was confused about my life. She tried to mentor me,” Spears writes, adding that she tattooed the base of her neck with a Hebrew word that some Kabbalists think of as meaning “healing.”
“She told me I should be sure to take time out for my soul, and I tried to do that. She modeled a type of strength that I needed to see,” Spears continues.
Spears’ marriage to Kevin Federline dissolved because of 'fame and money'
Spears credits Federline for being the only person in her life who made her feel safe, that their connection was immediate and during the first night they met, he held her in a pool for hours.
That intimacy was appealing. “After what I’d gone through with J, I hadn’t been with someone in a real way in so long,” Spears says. They soon married and had sons Sean Preston and Jayden James.
But Spears saw a change in Federline “in slow motion” when fame and money entered his life.
“When I found him (in Vegas), he had his head shaved. He was getting ready to shoot the cover for his album. He was in the studio all the time. He really thought he was a rapper now. Bless his heart – because he did take it so seriously.”
What caused Spears to crumble
Federline’s campaign to have sole custody of their sons was buffered by reports of Spears’ partying. She admits to hanging out, drinking and having fun with friends such as Paris Hilton, but never without her children being properly cared for in her absence.
“I never had a drinking problem. I liked to drink, but it was never out of control. Do you want to know my drug of choice? The only thing I really did except for drinking? Adderall, the amphetamine that’s given to kids for ADHD. Adderall made me high, yes, but what I found far more appealing was that it gave me a few hours of feeling less depressed,” Spears explains.
But when Federline successfully had Spears blocked from seeing her children except for supervised visits, that anger and sadness, combined with the death of Spears’ beloved Aunt Sandra, sent her spiraling – all in the view of cameras.
“Kevin wouldn’t let me in. I begged him. Jayden James was 5 months old and Sean Preston was 17 months old. I imagined their not knowing where their mother was, wondering why she didn’t want to be with them … The paparazzi watched it all happen. I can’t describe the humiliation I felt. I was cornered. I was out being chased, like always, by these men waiting for me to do something they could photograph.”
Spears rebelled by giving them material. She went into a hair salon, took the clippers and shaved her head because she knew that her long, blond hair was such a huge part of her appeal: “Everyone thought it was hilarious. Look how crazy she is! But nobody seemed to understand that I was simply out of my mind with grief.”
Why Spears went along with her 13-year conservatorship
Spears details the ignominies experienced throughout the conservatorship instituted by her father, Jamie, including background checks and the sharing of her medical and sexual history with first dates; a $2,000 weekly allowance (she was earning hundreds of thousands a night during her 2013 Las Vegas residency and says her father was paying himself millions); parental controls on her phone and a limited diet of chicken and canned vegetables.
But, she says, answering a question posed by many of her fans, there was one reason she acquiesced: “I did it for my kids. Because I played by the rules, I was reunited with my boys.”
Spears is grateful for the #FreeBritney movement
After her father sent her to rehab – the discovery of over-the-counter energy supplements in her purse prompted his suspicions – Spears was disoriented and lethargic after she was taken off Prozac and given lithium.
“The doctor eventually noticed that people around the world were asking why I was still locked up. It was all over the news … I think my connection to my fans helped them subconsciously know that I was in danger. We have a connection, no matter where we are. And I did long to know that people might care whether I lived or died.”
But one day, a nurse called Spears over to her computer and showed her a clip of a fan on a talk show talking about Spears’ conservatorship and wearing a #FreeBritney T-shirt.
The force of her fans helped rally public support and made many reexamine the narrative surrounding Spears. When a California judge ended her nearly 14-year conservatorship in 2021, Spears posted a video of her fans gathered at the courthouse on Instagram with the caption "Good God I love my fans so much it’s crazy!!! I think I’m gonna cry the rest of the day !!!! Best day ever … praise the Lord … can I get an Amen."
More: Pink shows love for Britney Spears with 'sweet' lyric change amid divorce from Sam Asghari
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Britney Spears book revelations: Justin Timberlake abortion, Madonna
