I Did Not Expect Doomsday To Be This Tacky
I have thought through a lot of doomsday scenarios in my many decades on this planet, but I have to say: I did not expect the apocalypse to be this tacky.
Yet here we are! We are in the first act of a global pandemic. We are tense, we are confused, we are expressing our anxiety through bulk toilet tissue purchases. But things hit a real Covid-19 fever pitch in one dizzying moment around 8:30 p.m. Pacific time last night, after I hope those of you on the East Coast and Midwest were in bed having whatever counts as safe sex right now. In one bizarre thirty-minute period, things officially jumped the rails.
Sorry, but three’s a trend, and you have woken up into a world that is officially out of its mind. You’re like Rick Grimes in The Walking Dead, but your dystopia has more glitter, Illuminati tattoos, and Ken Jeong. Let’s review.
Up top, we must address the President of the United States and his slurring, sniffing address about the Coronavirus. You saw it, and you were unsettled by it, but if you turned it off right afterwards, you missed something important: like any number of bro comedies, there was a blooper reel. First, one clever Twitter user posted the accidental pre-speech sound-up on C-SPAN’s live-stream and revealed our fearless leader’s pandemic priorities.
Whether “white stuff” refers to a Tide Stain Stick, Liquid Paper, or truck-stop methamphetamines can never really be known. All we can say for sure is that Donald Trump looked and behaved the way you saw him look and behave last night, and thought a pen mark was going to be the most egregious part.
Still, he announced a complete travel ban to and from Europe, called this thing a “foreign virus,” didn’t mention testing even once, and drifted into and out of three distinct naps. Love him or hate him, he definitely spoke for a while. And when it was over, for the first time in human history, I swear he and I said the same thing.
If you were on the East Coast or the Midwest, and if you were tuned to Fox, you saw the President’s address just moments after you saw this.
That’s right. Former Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the first eliminated contestant from Group C on this season of The Masked Singer, after her lackluster take on Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” in a candy-colored bear costume failed to excite Robin Thicke. Keep every word of that last sentence in your heart for the next time a conservative American tries to make you feel like a degenerate for any reason. And though she definitely brought some spirit, the overall effect was very “carpool parent who still thinks rap is saying what your name is and what you’re there to say.” The only way this situation could be dumber and more damning of us as a culture would be if…wait, hold on, let me check something.
Yeah, never mind: “Tina Fey” actually is trending over “Sarah Palin” on Twitter right now. We’re fucked.
Moments later, an anxious world received the reassuring message it truly needed, and from exactly the right person.
Chet Haze, giving you da troof about his faddah Tommanks and his muddah Rita, both of whom recently tested positive for Coronavirus because they’re in a country where you can get that test. Clearing the air for the American public without even taking the time to grab a tank top off the floor. There is a lot to love here, but my favorite thing is what the framing and lighting do to his many, many tattoos. I am in a staring contest with that dollar-bill eye on his sternum, and I am winning. I am convinced he has a tattoo on his left pectoral that says “Michelada” (my favorite summertime beverage!), and while the one on his right arm is almost definitely the Latin proverb “fortis fortuna juvat,” or “fortune favors the bold,” all we can clearly see is “Tuna.”
But you know what? My man held it together at a tense time. The important task of calming America’s nerves was achieved more effectively by Chet Hanks than the President of the United States. And on 311 Day, when you know he had other places to be!
Anyway, it’s all over. Everything is chaos. The world will be unrecognizable at the end of this business day. Say what you need to say to the people you cherish, while you still can, and don’t be afraid. There is simply no time.
I’ll start: Chet, my DMs are open.
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