I Hereby Give Facebook Permission To Take Me And My Identity

Take everything, Facebook. My name, photos, my profile ... everything. Go ahead, try it on, take it for a spin! Ahhh, that new Andy smell!

You want the statuses? Well, guess what, they come standard! You'll like them. There's a lot of action.

Also, I'm very photogenic. How about these? These doing anything for you, Facebook?

Whoops, I seem to have dropped my laptop! How ever will I update my Facebook status?

Better go ahead and grab thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

I've included a photo of me using The Facebook just so I'm "on brand."

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You know you want it, Facebook. I've noticed you showcasing ads designed specifically for me. I've noticed.

Oh my! I didn't realize you were here, Facebook!

Don't mind me, just thought I'd jump in the shower, Facebook. But you already knew that, because I posted about it. On Facebook.

Let me get a little more comfortable ...

That's right, Facebook, have your way with me! Do what you will! Share me with whomever you'd like!

PROFILE > SETTINGS > PRIVACY > TAKE ME, FACEBOOK!

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A Kernel Of Truth

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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.