Quotes of the Week: Emily in Paris, Only Murders, Big Brother and More
With the 2024 election heating up, so are the late-night jokes as proven by our latest Quotes of the Week compilation.
In the list below, we’ve gathered over a dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including scripted moments from cable, broadcast and streaming series.
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This time around, we’ve got bon mots and zingers from Big Brother, Emily in Paris and The Old Man.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: a shoutout to Lady Liberty on Late Night With Seth Meyers, a flirtatious revelation from Carson Daly at the MTV Video Music Awards, and praise for Zach Galifianakis on Only Murders in the Building. Plus, we’ve got double doses of Kite Man: Hell Yeah!, Wynonna Earp: Vengeance, Last Week Tonight With John Oliver and Three Women.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves! (With contributions from Vlada Gelman, Rebecca Iannucci, Charlie Mason, Matt Webb Mitovich, Dave Nemetz, Kimberly Roots and Ryan Schwartz)
BIG BROTHER
“Houseguests… Kangaroo Jack… I want to be here.”
Quinn opens his pre-eviction speech by referencing one of substitute host Jerry O’Connell’s most infamous cinematic flops
LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS
“The Taliban recently released a new 114-page manifesto restricting women’s rights. They’re calling it Project 1025.”
LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)
“Ohio Senator JD Vance was in New York today, but only until he saw our massive, childless woman.”
ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING
“Galifianakis? That scrumptious, f—kable baklava is portraying you in a movie?”
Detective Williams (Da’Vine Joy Randolph) reveals herself to be on something of a “Mediterranean diet”
ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING (Bonus Quote!)
“The [directors] thought it’d be a good idea if we followed you for a day — you know, do a character study. I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2. I shadowed a baby. Yeah, and we still text every day.”
“Eva Longoria” (Eva Longoria) is giving us serious Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock vibes
THE DAILY SHOW
“Do you really think a kid goes to school one day and comes back with a full sex-change operation? That’s ridiculous. Americans getting free health care? Not happening!”
EMILY IN PARIS (Episode 6)
“He visits his family in Paris every Christmas.”
“Oh, you have a Christmas boyfriend.”
“More like a stocking stuffer.”
“He’s like Santa Claus. Comes just once a year.”
“Or a few times, depending.”
Julian (Samuel Arnold), Emily (Lily Collins) and Luc (Bruno Gouery) discuss Julian’s holiday boy-toy
WYNONNA EARP: VENGEANCE
“Hey, it’s your turn to clean the baseboards. Whatever that means in gay.”
Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) checks out #WayHaught’s chore wheel
WYNONNA EARP: VENGEANCE (Bonus Quote!)
“She broke your finger?! I love that finger!”
“You’ll have to get creative with your sex lives…. Switch to toes for a few weeks.”
“It’s not the primary digit for that.”
Wynonna (Melanie Scrofano) helps Waverly (Dominique Provost-Chalkley) and her wife Nicole (Kat Barrell) deal with a loss
MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
“For those of you who are a little too young to know who I am, I was the host of a show on MTV called Total Request Live, or TRL, a very long time ago. It was the best, best show. Kids going crazy in Times Square. And every day after school, I was with your mother. So please: Tell her I said hi.”
Carson Daly sends a cheeky message to his fanbase… who now have teens of their own
MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (Bonus Quote!)
“Thank you! I did that all on my first day of my period, too. Can you believe it?”
Video Vanguard recipient Katy Perry keeps it real after a very athletic, high-flying live performance
KITE MAN: HELL YEAH!
“How did you find us??”
“[To Helen] Is it because I searched ‘highly rated Anti-Life Equation disposal options near me’?”
Chuck (Matt Oberg) shoulda used a VPN
KITE MAN: HELL YEAH! (Bonus Quote!)
“It’s probably already destroyed! So you’ll just have to find some other stupid math problem to f—k,? or whatever you want to do with it.”
“I don’t want to f—k? it! And quite frankly, Malice, that’s really crass.”
Darkseid (Keith David) scolds daughter Malice (Natasia Demetriou)
THREE WOMEN
“See, now Lina, the yucky way you feel when you rub up against that itchy old Colts blanket, you need to understand that kissing you on the mouth makes Ed feel just like that.”
Lina’s (Betty Gilpin) priest tries to solve her marital problems
THREE WOMEN (Bonus Quote!)
“I wanna drive down a dirt road in an ATV. But like with a… man. And like the wind’s blowing in my hair, and my arms are wrapped around his waist, and I just want to be with someone who makes me feel…HOT!”
Lina (Betty Gilpin) shares her truest desires with Dr. Henry (Ravi Patel)
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
“Christmas doesn’t start when a president says it does. As we all know, Christmas starts when Mariah Carey pops out of her 11-month coma. Wait. for. her. signal.”
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER (Bonus Quote!)
“I’m not sure I would describe any part of JD Vance as ‘rock solid’ — unless, of course, he was in a West Elm showroom.”
THE OLD MAN
“Stop shooting people without asking me first!”
Harper (John Lithgow) lays down some ground rules for Chase (Jeff Bridges) on their mission in Afghanistan
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