How to Fake a Yacht Party

Gif: StaticForces, Tumblr

All of The Beautiful People are living it up in Cannes right now. They are taking in beautiful movies at the Cannes Film Festival. They are sipping Champagne from beautiful crystal flute glasses. They are lounging on beautiful yachts, gazing beautifully out over the French Riviera’s beautiful clear-blue waters.

Well. How wonderful for them.

Unless you happen to be—or are lucky enough to roll with—an A-list Hollywood type, chances are you’re not in Cannes right now. That doesn’t make you any less beautiful, nor does it preclude you from throwing your own yacht party. In fact, you don’t need a yacht at all.

Fake it ‘til you make it, friends. Here’s how:

Pop some Cristal. Did we say Cristal? We meant a sparkling bottle of perfectly pleasant prosecco from your neighborhood wine store. It’s bubbly, fancy-like, and completely economical. Besides, Cristal is so 1997.

Make a yachting soundtrack. We’re thinking Tupac. The Notorious B.I.G. “I’m On a Boat,” by the Lonely Island (and featuring the melodic T-Pain). Or you could just play this 100-minute-long YouTube video of seagulls at the beach on repeat. (And, of course, there’s always Yacht Rock.)

Dress the part. Dress like a) any Ralph Lauren ad ever, b) you just stepped off the set of “The Great Gatsby,” or c) this. Do not dress like this.

Snag some baguettes. Cannes is in France. The French love baguettes. Ergo, you need baguettes. Slather then with…

Fancy dips. Super-smooth tapenade, because you are one smooth cat. Minted peas and proscuitto, because that’s how you DO. And butter, because butter.

Arrange a fancy cheese spread. Ain’t no yacht party like a cheese-filled yacht party and a cheese-filled yacht party don’t stop. Until, um, you run out of cheese.

Make canapés! All the canapés! OK, maybe not all of them, but at least one of the following: Cranberry-goat cheese canapés. Asparagus–blue cheese canapés. Roasted shallot dip. Pumpkin-carrot soup shooters with coconut cream. And yes, you caught us: “canapé" is a French word. Stress this Frenchy fact to your guests, ad nauseam.

You are now equipped with the know-how to fake a yacht party. Anchors away! Or, you know, not.