How to Give a Compliment That’s Better Than ‘I Like Your Top’
Everyone likes a compliment. Here’s how to give a better one. (Photo: Priscilla de Castro for Yahoo Health)
You are so brilliant and sensitive for deciding to click on this article! Oh, and did we mention that your outfit is to die for — and your hair looks amazing?
Sure, everyone loves getting a compliment. But, like Pinot blends and modern art, not all flattery is created equal. Bet you’re not buying the praise we just doled out.
The thing is, kind words can fall flat if you default to focusing on shallow stuff, like clothing. Or, they can seem insincere if delivered with the wrong intention. (“Gorgeous shoes! Mind if I cut you in line?”)
Still, flattery is a skill worth honing, because spot-on admiration can be a powerful tool when it comes to greasing the wheels of your social and work life. “If you can genuinely make someone feel good about themselves, that person will subsequently feel good about you,” etiquette expert Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, tells Yahoo Health. And ultimately, we love to be around those who recognize our best qualities.
Whether you want to get on your boss’ good side, butter up your mother-in-law, or win over the person you’re dating, a well-placed compliment can be the magic potion that seals the deal. Behold, the five secrets to flattery that will truly resonate:
Make It Personal
The more specific the praise, the more potent its effect. “A strong compliment is contextualized,” explains Susan Krauss Whitbourne, professor of psychology at University of Massachusetts Amherst. “It’s not a global comment that you could say to just anybody.”
So find a unique take “instead of pointing out an obvious trait, like pretty eyes, which others have surely noted in the past,” advises Leil Lowndes, author of How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. “Bringing up something unusual, such as a friend’s beautiful teeth, is memorable.”
Getting into the particulars helps, too: “Platitudes like ‘you’ve got great kids’ and ‘good meeting’ come across as lazy or disingenuine,” Fine says. “Including details — ‘Your kids are so enjoyable to be around, they always say please and thank you,’ or ‘Terrific meeting, I appreciate that you start on time and always stick to the agenda’ — lends your words greater weight.”
The adjectives you choose can also contribute to a high-quality compliment. “Saying, ‘You look great,’ sounds much more mundane than using a word like ‘radiant’ or ‘stunning,’” Lowndes points out.
Go Beyond Skin Deep
While appearances make for easy fallback flattery, praising a personality trait is immeasurably more meaningful. Tell your sister who’s always by your side when you’re going through guy drama what an empathetic listener she is, or mention to the friend who takes the lead in organizing girls’ nights out that you appreciate her skills at getting everyone together for a fun time. “She might still love hearing that you think her skirt’s cute, but talking about a behavioral quality will take your relationship to a new level of intimacy,” Whitbourne says. And it even works with people you’ve just met — the trick is to hone in on the effect their presence has on you.
Related: Running Out Of Things To Talk About? 20 Topics To Get The Conversation Started Again
Stroke Their Ego…
While praising what you like about someone is a smart tactic, make your comment seriously hit home by “trying to figure out what that person is most proud of,” Lowndes urges. “Everyone wants to be acknowledged for the qualities they value in themselves, and tapping into those strengthens your bond.”
When you’re talking to someone — be it a loved one or a new person — pick up on what he or she focuses on during the conversation. Maybe your husband describes a new game he invented with the kids; mention how cool it is that he’s such a fun-loving dad. “Or perhaps a client tells you how he started from nowhere and is now a director of the company,” Lowndes says. “Say, ‘Wow, it seems like you really pulled yourself up from your bootstraps.’”
…And Their Arm
Your body language and tone of voice can go a long way toward getting your message across. “Putting your hand on someone’s forearm and looking them in the eye shows that you’re sincere,” Lowndes says. “People also perk up when they hear their name; it signals you’re about to say something important.” For maximum impact, she suggests dropping it mid-sentence, as in, “The idea you brought up in the meeting, Elizabeth, was so original. It’s inspiring to work with you.”
Another issue with compliments is that they can seem contrived. Lowndes recommends delivering praise at an unexpected time or place, as if the thought suddenly dawned on you. Instead of telling your boyfriend he looks good when he picks you up for dinner (predictable), impulsively grab his hand on the subway and whisper into his ear, “You are so sexy. I love you.” Or, in the middle of a conversation, pause to say: “When you were talking just now, it struck me that you have such a fascinating take on life. I love our discussions because I always come away with new ideas.”
Related: 5 Ways To Change Your Body Language To Boost Confidence And Bust Stress
Give a Hidden Compliment
The most valid kind of flattery actually doesn’t seem like flattery at all. “Be a carrier pigeon,” Lowndes says. “If someone makes a nice comment about a person you know, carry that forward.” As in: “Your name came up at the cocktail party the other day, and Andy said you’ve been rocking the Gloucester account.”
Another technique: “You’re an amazing cook, so you know how life-changing an immersion blender is. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get one.” Phrased like this, it sounds as though their kitchen skills are a given that everyone and their mother knows, rather than you trying to butter them up.
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