I Am A First-Time Mom Who Recently Had A Baby, And These Are 16 Realities I Wasn't Prepared For
Hi! I'm Hannah, and I'm a first-time mom to a 6-month-old. The past six months have been quite the roller coaster in a way that all new moms certainly understand — and also in a way that I had no idea to expect until I was fully in it ??. The newborn weeks, in particular, were quite the whirlwind.
There were things about these first months of motherhood that I expected, and then there were others that left me feeling totally stunned.
So before the newborn phase becomes a distant and fuzzy memory, I wanted to share some of the things that surprised me most and the lessons I learned. I hope my experience might be helpful for expecting parents and relatable for other first-time parents who have had some of the same (or different!) experiences.
And one more thing: I know this can be a difficult subject matter, whether you are struggling to conceive, experiencing postpartum depression, or anything of the sort. Please skip this post if reading this type of content is not helpful for you right now. I'm sending you so much love and support.
1.It took time to feel like myself again.
I was very lucky to have an easy physical recovery after labor. Within about two weeks, I felt more or less back to normal physically. Still, it took time to actually feel like myself.
I felt so completely absorbed in motherhood, so overwhelmed and tied to this human I'd created, that I felt as if I couldn't do the things that make me feel like me. I felt a weird loss of identity, as if all of a sudden I was just a mother without the other parts of myself.
Even an act as simple as reading a book was challenging in the first weeks after labor. I simply couldn't focus. I wanted to cook dinner, a ritual that I usually find relaxing and therapeutic, but midway through boiling water for pasta, my newborn daughter, Ellie, would start crying, wanting to be fed. Whenever I'd attempt to run an errand or do something for myself, I'd feel this strange sense of anxiety after being away from the baby.
It took time — and in some ways, it's still a work in progress — but I started to feel more and more like myself again as I learned how to balance my own needs with the responsibility of caring for a tiny, very bossy human.
2.There were times when I couldn't soothe my own baby, and that feels absolutely terrible.
When Ellie was 5 weeks old, we moved in with my family for a month to get out of the city and have some extra helping hands. Around this same time, things got really, really hard. For about three weeks, Ellie was very hard to settle. Everything I read online said that newborn fussiness peaks around this time, but "fussy" didn't quite seem to describe the situation. "Hysterical" or "inconsolable" would have been more appropriate, especially during the consistent witching hours of 5–7 p.m. Around week 7, I called the pediatrician to ask if Ellie might have colic, only to be told that she was just being a newborn baby. Classic first-time mom over here!
I needed to remind myself over and over again that babies cry...a lot. It's their only way of expressing themselves. Whether they want to tell you they're tired or hungry or hot or cold or have a belly ache, crying is their only method of communicating.
And here's the thing: There is nothing that sucks more than not being able to soothe your own baby. And on top of that, every minute your baby is crying feels exponentially longer. I remember my husband and I once timed one of her pre-bedtime fits. I would have sworn she was crying for two and a half hours straight, but according to the clock, it was only 15 minutes. The rules of time don't apply when you're trying to calm a crying newborn, especially when nothing you're doing is working. These were certainly some of the hardest moments of motherhood.
3.I mourned the loss of my "old life" and felt really guilty for that.
When you give birth to a baby as a first-time mom, you're also starting a new life that will feel almost entirely different from your old one. I don't think I internalized it until I was home from the hospital. And I'm not sure you can possibly understand how quickly everything changes all at once until you're holding your newborn baby. Postpartum life really feels like an emotional roller coaster.
One minute, I'd be holding Ellie, thinking about how amazing it felt to be a mother. The next, I'd be crying to my dog because I felt so trapped at home with a newborn and so guilty that I couldn't take him for hourlong walks anymore. I loved being a mom, and yet at the same time, there were moments when I would turn to my husband and ask him what the hell we'd done. And at the time, I felt ashamed to be having these thoughts. But in retrospect, I now know that everything I was feeling was valid.
I was so happy to have a baby and I was ready for the responsibility, but I also really missed the freedom of doing something as simple as going out to the movies or getting a manicure. I often still miss these things, but then I hear Ellie's adorable giggle, watch her reach for our dog to pet him, or watch her expression as she looks at the sky during her first snow flurry, and I realize that I wouldn't trade it for the world.
4.I cried a lot!
I'm not an overly emotional person. With the exception of the final 15 minutes of Good Will Hunting, I don't cry very often. But during the first few weeks postpartum, I probably cried more than I ever have in my life.
I cried because our dog wasn't interested in Ellie when we came home from the hospital; Instagram had told me he was going to snuggle up by her side and gently lick her face. I cried because I got a beautiful letter in the mail from my best friend in Maine, written to Ellie. I cried because I looked down in the shower and my body didn't look or feel like my own. I cried watching my grandmother meet my daughter, her first great-grandchild. Postpartum hormones are powerful. Despite my tearful outbursts, I know how fortunate I am that these feelings were mere "baby blues," because postpartum depression affects so many new parents. If you think you might be experiencing PPD, please reach out to talk to someone ??.
5.Not all babies know how to fall asleep on their own.
Ellie was a terrible napper from the get-go. I know it may look as if she was a sleeping angel, based on some photos, but she fought most naps tooth and nail from the time she was a few weeks old. I would often see parents dining in restaurants with tiny newborns fast asleep in their bassinets and envy them. How nice that must be!
If I were lucky enough to get Ellie to fall asleep in her stroller without screaming her head off first, she would usually wake up the second we stepped foot indoors. She needed movement to fall asleep, and not just any movement — forget about the car seat or the stroller. I had to hold her and rock her back and forth (not sitting in a rocking chair, but standing and doing squats worked wonders) or wear her in a baby carrier in order to get a good nap.
I thought I had a totally abnormal baby until I spoke with so many other parents who experienced similar naptime struggles. Turns out, naps are really, really difficult, and most babies struggle to either fall asleep or stay asleep on their own for a few months. I only wish I had realized this sooner!
6.Oh, and sleep is actually a learned skill.
Because naps were such a struggle with my daughter, I found myself reading and watching lots of sleep consultants and experts. One of my absolute favorites is Taking Cara Babies. So many mom friends told me that she is their sleep bible, and I recommend that all first-time parents check out her website and/or Instagram account.
You might think that the ability to sleep is something we're born with (I certainly did!), but I learned that the ability to sleep isn't innate — it's actually a learned skill that must be practiced. Babies must learn how to connect sleep cycles before they can sleep for long stretches of time without help. Naps can be especially difficult for newborns (like mine!). So while it was frustrating to have a baby who constantly fought her naps, realizing this fact about newborn sleep gave me much more patience and understanding.
7.Making "mom friends" was so important.
I'm so lucky to have good friends in all different stages of life: some single and dating, some planning weddings, and others settled down in the suburbs with babies or older kids. But I didn't realize how important it would be to make friends with other first-time moms who were simultaneously experiencing the same thrills, joys, and challenges of parenthood.
I had a handful of acquaintances who became mothers around the same time I did, and these women have since become very close friends. Going through pregnancy and childbirth around the same time formed a sort of innate bond. It was such a source of comfort, being able to reach out to these women for any issue, big or small, without judgment. We were there to help one another through anything (at first around the clock, since we were all constantly awake). It was so reassuring to have these women I could entirely relate to. While many of my other friends would text our group thread about an impromptu Sunday brunch or a last-minute happy hour, these "mom friends" understood why these activities were a thing of the past for the time being.
8.Babywearing is an absolute lifesaver.
I can't tell you how much I love babywearing. It quite literally changed my life. Ellie always slept best when she was attached to me by carrier or sling. After all, she was in my belly for nine months. I can only imagine how scary the world is to a newborn, and she just wanted to feel as if she was back inside. So I embraced babywearing life. I absolutely loved the Solly Baby Wrap for wearing Ellie indoors so I could go about tasks around my apartment while she slept soundly. It takes some practice until you really get the hang of tying it, but I swear, it is worth it. I also loved the BabyBj?rn Baby Carrier Mini during the newborn days for wearing Ellie outside.
There were days when I felt as if I was wearing Ellie for hours upon hours, but the carrier was my secret weapon for naptime. She would fall asleep the minute I placed her in it and stay asleep for long, restful naps. She still loves a nap in the carrier, although it feels like a whole lot more of a workout for me these days.
9.Naps may not happen in the bassinet or the crib for quite some time.
Ellie was always a good night sleeper. She started sleeping through the night in her crib at around 13 weeks and never looked back. But those darn naps... For the first three months, I don't think she napped in her crib for more than 10 minutes at a time. I would get her to sleep, oh so gently place her in her bassinet, and tiptoe out of the room like a silent ninja, only to hear her crying, wide awake, just a few minutes later.
Finally, I gave up. I stopped worrying about practicing crib naps. They would come later, all in due time. For my mental health, I needed a rested baby. And my baby only rested when I was holding or wearing her. So that's what I did, and it worked! Now Ellie is an excellent crib napper. It just took us some time to get there.
10.Breastfeeding was really, really hard, but it was ultimately very rewarding.
Before I gave birth, I decided that I would try breastfeeding. Ellie pretty much immediately latched, so I was very fortunate in the sense that there weren't any physical obstacles to breastfeeding. But I still had no clue how hard it would be. I really enjoyed the bonding aspect of breastfeeding and the way it was a huge source of comfort to Ellie (literally seeing a nipple would calm her down LOL ??), but the first few weeks were challenging. Waiting for my milk to come in was uncomfortable and also stressful because I wondered whether Ellie was getting enough food. When she would wake up in the middle of the night and refuse to go back to sleep, I'd wonder if she was starving or if this was all just part of being a newborn.
There were lots of challenges at first: I'd count wet diapers to make sure she was getting enough milk, I learned how to pump one boob while she was asleep on the other (no easy feat), and there were times when I felt as if I spent the majority of the day on the couch with her attached to me, especially during growth spurts, when she would just want to eat and eat every hour. Some of these nights, dinner was scoops of peanut butter straight from the jar on the couch until I learned how to eat while feeding her (even sushi with chopsticks, a great personal accomplishment). This all got much easier and so much more enjoyable after the first few weeks. Overall, I am so glad I stuck with it, but I wish I had been more prepared for the physical and mental load of breastfeeding.
11.There's a fine line between a tired baby and an overtired one.
Overtired newborns transform from little, sleepy angels into full-blown screaming monsters with bright red eyebrows, arched backs, and jerky limbs. It's something out of a horror movie, but it's real...and you have to deal with it.
Some babies show sleepy cues before reaching that overtired stage, but other babies (like mine) go from tired to overtired in what feels like an instant. Ellie would be babbling and happy one minute, then she would yawn once and maybe rub her eyes — blink, and you'd miss it — and then she would be almost instantly overtired.
One of the most mind-blowing things I learned is that the more overtired a baby becomes, the harder it is to soothe them to sleep. That's because their stress response has kicked in, and their body is releasing cortisol and adrenaline...the very opposite hormones you want at this time. And when an overtired baby finally falls asleep, they're likely to take shorter naps and wake up more frequently. It's a vicious cycle. See, isn't newborn sleep fun?
12.There's a concept called "wake windows," and they are a game changer.
As I mentioned, Ellie didn't give us much warning before she became overtired, so I was thrilled to discover the concept of wake windows, which I first read about on Taking Cara Babies. A wake window is simply the period of time that a baby is awake between sleeps. These windows get longer and longer as a baby gets older, but for a newborn, they are incredibly short. In fact, during the very first weeks, wake windows can be as short as 35 minutes. Tell all of this to a woman (me ?????♀?) who thought newborns just fell asleep when they were tired. I was shocked.
If you think about how short 35 minutes really is, you realize that in the time it takes for a newborn to have a full feed and a diaper change, they might already be overtired. Rather than pay attention to Ellie's often-absent sleepy cues, I found that focusing on her age-appropriate wake windows was a much better way to determine when to get her to nap. I also found that the age-appropriate wake windows were (and still are) wildly accurate.
13.Postpartum tired is a new level of tired.
I've never been a big sleeper. While my husband can get a full 12 hours and still feel sleepy in the morning, I can usually function on fairly little sleep. I thought I would be well suited to the sleepless nights I would experience with a baby. But I was unprepared for the type of exhaustion I felt in the first few months.
Ellie slept through the night starting at 13 weeks, but those first 13 weeks felt more like 13 years of exhaustion. Frequent nighttime wake-ups, combined with the physical drain of breastfeeding and carrying around a newborn for the majority of the day, were really depleting. When you're in the thick of the newborn phase, the constant longing for sleep seems as if it will go on forever. But I promise that it gets better and easier. And when your baby starts sleeping through the night, it feels like a whole new world.
14.I felt so, so, so, so unprepared.
Before Ellie was born, I read baby books and articles and baby blogs. I talked to all of my mom friends. I spoke with the pediatrician. But when I got home from the hospital, I panicked. Because no amount of reading or research can actually prepare you for the reality of being a first-time mom. It was terrifying, and it was wonderful, and it was totally out of my comfort zone.
I couldn't believe how small she was, and I was afraid of breaking her. How do I swaddle her tightly enough while protecting her tiny arms? How do I change her into her pajamas without touching the soft spot on her head? How do I burp her without patting her birdlike back too hard? What if she rolls onto her stomach in the middle of the night? These were the types of questions that went through my head about a thousand times a day.
Every day got a bit more comfortable until I realized she was actually quite durable after all. And in a way that no baby book can prepare you for, I figured out how to read my daughter — her sounds, cues, and expressions — as all mothers do, until her unintelligible coos and babbles became like a second language. But looking back on that first night home from the hospital, I had a whole lot to learn.
15.I actually already miss the newborn days.
In the throes of Ellie's toughest days, I often questioned whether I could do this day in and day out. Especially when it came to naptime, I was frustrated. I felt as if I was spending half the day rocking or walking her to sleep, and I was tired. I reached out to a friend of mine with an older baby and asked her how she dealt with this phase.
She said, "I honestly miss rocking my baby for hours, because after sleep training, it's over. It's 'Good night and see you in the morning.' I wish someone had told me to just remember that. Because I was just so tired and frustrated, I didn't appreciate that we won't have that snuggle time ever again." This was some of the best advice I've ever received, even though it's hard to see when you're in the thick of it. I made sure to remind myself of it often during the toughest hours.
Ellie finally learned how to put herself to sleep and connect sleep cycles when she was around 5 months old. Her ability to nap has been incredibly freeing, but I already miss those hours I'd spend sleeping, trapped in her nursery, doing nothing but rocking her back and forth. Those days already feel like a lifetime ago.
16.Watching your baby grow, learn, and develop is pretty much the coolest thing in the entire world.
Babies come out like these alien-like blobs, unable to do anything for themselves. But over the course of the newborn period, they develop into tiny humans with personalities and quirks. Of course we all know this, but I didn't realize just how incredible it actually is to watch a baby grow until I had my own. This baby who started out as a tiny speck the size of a poppy seed inside me was now beginning to coo and smile and follow my voice and reach up to touch my face. It is truly the most mind-blowing thing to witness. Seeing these milestones occur right in front of my eyes made all of the sleepless nights, heart-wrenching cries, and frustrating moments 10,000% worth it.
I'd love to hear about your experience with a newborn. What aspects of having a baby were particularly surprising, challenging, or unexpected? What do you want first-time parents to know? Tell us in the comments!
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