The 5 stages of clearing out your wardrobe

At this time of year, slightly manic from lack of wine (dry Jan) and with extra time on your hands (dry Jan) and no one to catch up with (dry Jan), you may be inspired to clear out your wardrobe. Your reasoning will be threefold:

1) You will turn over a new, minimalist leaf and develop a personal uniform. You will whittle your wardrobe down to 10 or so coordinating pieces and rotate them, always looking effortless. You are Charlotte Gainsbourg drinking black coffee on the Boulevard Saint-Germain, and will not have your head turned by flash-in-the-pan trends.

2) High-quality staples from Joseph, Margaret Howell and Toast are The Way Forward, as you'll wear them for years, unlike that Zara dress that you wore once that pulled around the boobs and then snagged on the zip of your coat before promptly shrinking in the cold wash the label recommended. Everything else must go.

3) You have a sneaking suspicion that you're actually a morning person, and it's only your disorganised wardrobe that is holding you back from unlocking your true potential in those precious hours before work. If you clear that obstacle, you will finally be able to start writing that book, going to the gym and making packed lunches to put in those chic Tiffin tins you found in John Lewis.

Ready? The first stage is...

1. Denial

The best time - in fact, the only time - to undertake a wardrobe clearout is at 11am on a Saturday morning, but only if you've got guests coming over for supper at 7pm and have yet to hoover, go to the fishmongers or wash your hair. Because, truly, how long could this possibly take? Apart from that one drawer, you wear everything. Once you've hung it all up properly it will be easy to weed out the five-or-so extraneous bits and drop them at Marie Curie on the way to buy the clams.

2. Anger

Whose scarf is this? This is not your scarf. You've never seen this scarf before, and if you had seen it, you wouldn't have recognised it, because IT IS NOT YOUR SCARF, and now it is suspended in wardrobe purgatory with one end disappearing down the back of the drawers and stopping them from closing properly. And because it's made of a highly-flammable fabric it will probably catch fire due to the friction of the drawers opening and closing. But at least if it does, it will burn out the moth infestation that's currently enjoying an all-you-can-eat knitwear buffet - though not the scarf, of course; moths have more expensive taste than that, they saw your Joseph rollneck and tucked in. That scarf will outlive you, your children, and your children's children, and will eventually be encased in glass as an example of fashion in the third millennium.

3. Bargaining

White shirts are A Staple, so you can never have too many of those. Ditto navy jumpers. And blue jeans, black jeans, white T-shirts, black shoes, white trainers and khaki anything. None of this can go. You'll need all this stretchy stuff when you get back into the gym - there's no point buying new sticky Pilates socks in a month's time because you chucked these ones. Marie Kondo said you only have to chuck things if they don't spark joy, and every single one of these midi-dresses sparks joy, actually. THIS FEELING IS JOY, ok?

Perhaps if you do the everyday sock drawer that will make some space. Yes - look! This one has a hole in the toe, so it can go - pop it on the side until you find its partner.  And these ones are stained brown from your new boots, so that's two pairs.  Which reminds you: you don't need your old boots anymore, or those gold shoes that you bought for Claire's wedding that pinched your little toe. We're cooking with gas now!

4. Depression

Forgot the laundry basket.

5. Acceptance

It's actually much more sustainable to never throw anything away, and you are nothing if not eco-minded. Just use a handbag to tether the wardrobe doors shut.