6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
“Are you mad at me? Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden...” Are any of these phrases in your daily vocabulary? Do you feel like you’re constantly apologizing for being you but only to make others comfortable? If so, you might be a people-pleaser—someone who tends to do whatever it takes to make others happy, but sacrifices their own needs in the process.
While this behavior may sound kind and selfless, there is much more to it than you might think—which is why I'm here to explain how being a people-pleaser can ruin your relationships, according to therapists.
As a therapist, I’ve had countless sessions revolve around identifying people-pleasing behaviors. Admitting this isn’t always the easiest thing to do. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, malleable, and—most importantly—open to constructive criticism on how to stop people-pleasing.
But first, let's begin with where this behavior comes from, and signs that you might be a people-pleaser.
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Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
The root of people-pleasing, or fawning, lies in the belief that you’re somehow responsible for other people’s feelings. These feelings often start as a trauma response in situations like:
Dealing with an emotionally unavailable or narcissistic parent
Growing up in an invalidating, high-conflict environment
Experiencing abuse, neglect, or discrimination
However, once you’re out of an unsafe situation, these habits may linger and go unnoticed for a long time—impacting your ability to navigate life as an adult.
And while people-pleasing may be founded in self-preservation or in some cases, good faith, its consequences are surprisingly detrimental to our relationships. Whether that’s a friendship, family, professional or romantic relationship, the willingness to say yes to everything asked of you impacts your mental health. It also allows people to take advantage of this “kindness.”
Related: 15 Phrases To Effectively End Any Argument, According to Psychologists
Signs That You’re a People-Pleaser
Knowing the signs that you’re a people-pleaser is the first step toward starting to live your life for you. Bonnie Scott, therapist and founder of Mindful Kindness Counseling, gives a great example of how she approaches this in a session. “For me, the biggest tell of people-pleasing behavior is when clients feel responsible for managing other people's feelings or reactions. If you need something reasonable, and you won't ask for it because you worry the other person will be put out, annoyed or angry, that's likely some people-pleasing behavior.”
She says, “If we are talking in session, and all I'm hearing is about the feelings or motives of someone who isn't in the room, there [is] likely some people-pleasing going on. A common example would be, 'I can't ask my partner to have this conversation because I know he's so stressed at work right now. He can't manage anything else, and I'm trying to make our home extra peaceful. When he was growing up, the only way he knew how to manage stress was to really withdraw, and I don't want to put him in that headspace.' Like you can't ask for one conversation because you know every minuscule thought the other person will have? That's people-pleasing.”
Here are some other things to watch for.
Stopping what you’re doing—no matter what it is—to help another person
Doing what you can to keep the peace, ultimately avoiding pain
Forgiving others easily, even when they don’t deserve it
Comforting others after they’ve hurt you
Apologizing when you’re not at fault, or when it’s unnecessary
Changing your emotions to match someone else’s, even if it’s not how you really feel
Thriving on praise and condolences
Feeling extremely uncomfortable if someone is frustrated or angry with you
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6 Ways People-Pleasing Can Ruin a Relationship and How To Handle It
While people-pleasing is detrimental to all types of relationships, there isn’t one way that it can single-handedly ruin them. Each one works collectively to slowly impact how you view, think of and act toward the other person (or quickly, in some cases), eventually leading to a relationship that doesn’t benefit either of you. Let’s go through some of the ways people-pleasing can ruin your relationships and how to handle them.
#1: It causes resentment.
As a people-pleaser, it’s second nature to give up what you want to make others happy, to keep the peace, or to make a situation less stressful. When this happens (and you’re aware of it), it’s normal to start feeling frustrated that your needs aren’t being met. And if you’re not communicating or addressing your needs, it isn’t likely that the other person in the relationship is aware that something’s wrong. This leads to a lack of reciprocity and an unintentionally imbalanced power dynamic, adding to your growing resentment against them.
#2: It slowly detaches you from your identity.
People-pleasing habits don’t develop overnight; they form after extended exposure to stress, abuse or manipulation. Since this often starts during childhood when your brain is developing, your personality and identity begin to shape around the belief that you must please others to keep yourself safe. As people-pleasers grow up and begin realizing this, they may question their identity, thinking things like, “Who am I? What do I really want out of life? What are my morals and values?”
#3: It enables your anxiety.
If you’re always thinking about how to make other people happy, you risk entering a chronic state of anxiety. Without setting healthy boundaries, many people-pleasers constantly worry about whether they’re a burden or making someone else uncomfortable—two things that make existing peacefully pretty hard.
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#4: It allows you to internalize your feelings and thoughts.
Internalizing is healing’s worst enemy. Think of your brain like an attic and the thoughts like boxes stored in it. After you’ve lived in a home (your mind) for a while, it’s easy to push some of the boxes (your thoughts) to the back and forget about them for a while. That’s what people-pleasing allows you to do: push all your thoughts to the back of your mind and pretend like they don’t exist. However, the longer you wait to address your trauma, the more complex it and its impact on your life become.
#5: It clouds your judgment about others’ needs.
When you people-please, you assume that you know what other people’s needs are. But being an expert in assumption hasn’t ever been profitable—at all. It breaks the barrier of trust in a relationship because the other person doesn’t know if you’re only telling them what they want to hear or if it’s actually the truth.
#6: It decreases your chances of having a genuine, authentic relationship.
People-pleasers love to feel accepted, so, naturally, they want to surround themselves with those creating this environment. Sometimes, this can lead to a caretaker-dependent relationship rather than a genuine, authentic one. The level of responsibility that comes with being a caretaker, even if it’s one you take on willingly, is enormous. And since self-care and people-pleasing don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand, you’re perpetuating a pattern of enabling behavior that allows people to become dependent on your willingness to please.
Related: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
How To Fix the Damage
The number one way to reverse people-pleasing techniques is to be intentional about everything, from how you think and feel to how you approach interactions with others. What you do should have a purpose. By intentionally trying to stand up for yourself and consider your needs, you’re investing in your own mental health—which is the best investment.
Here are some of my other therapist-recommended tips on how to be intentional and combat people-pleasing:
Set healthy boundaries with yourself and others. Enforce them, even though it may be difficult or uncomfortable at first.
Learn that NO is a complete sentence.
Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your emotions and thoughts as they come, allowing yourself the space to feel and think about them appropriately.
Identify your automatic negative thoughts. Are you jumping to conclusions about what others think about you or the reality of the situation?
Ask yourself if you truly know what the other person wants or if you’re just assuming.
Recognize the lies that come with people-pleasing. While you’re not intentionally meaning to harm others (or yourself), internalizing, avoiding and, ultimately, lying, destroys the foundation of a relationship.
Practice saying statements reinforcing your boundaries, like “Let me get back to you on that,” or “I’m not comfortable with this situation.”
Stop making excuses that enable people-pleasing behavior.
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Say Goodbye to People-Pleasing
As you start to make the necessary changes to stop people-pleasing, you’ll undoubtedly deal with obstacles in your mind and with other people. It’s difficult to unlearn and deconstruct what’s been your “normal” for a significant portion of your life. Setting boundaries with people when they’re used to that normal is also challenging. Some may even seem shocked when you stand up for yourself and enforce these boundaries. You might hear, “What’s wrong with you? You’re always so nice!”
After a lifetime of ignoring your own needs, figuring them out takes time and effort. Reverting from these habits doesn’t happen overnight, so giving yourself the necessary grace and patience is vital to the healing process. Seeking mental health treatment is always a good idea. It gives you the freedom to explore the root of the problem freely and without judgment and helps you live the happy and healthy life you’re meant to live.
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