7 Phrases To Share What You'd Like (Vs. What You Don't), According to a Therapist
Woman sharing what she'd like changed with a colleague
Communication is central to our daily interactions and plays a massive role in how we perceive other people (and how they perceive us). When it comes to sharing what you do like vs. what you don’t, effective communication becomes even more important; you have to achieve a balance between sharing your preferences and concerns.
Traditionally, most of the dialogue around developing communication skills is focused on learning to say no without feeling guilty or like you’re disappointing someone. Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries is complex but a necessary part of becoming more confident in identifying what you do and don’t want.
But despite how you usually communicate with others, it’s essential to express your needs and wants positively and effectively—whether you’re just chatting with friends, resolving a conflict with a coworker or something else that involves you conveying a message to another person.
As a therapist, I’ve had countless couples and family sessions where people communicate their needs and wants poorly. 99 percent of the time, these sessions end with a fight. Here are a few tips on how to avoid these situations and improve your communication.
Related: 9 Phrases That Train Others to Treat You Well, According to Psychologists
7 Phrases To Share What You'd Like (Vs. What You Don't)
There are endless situations where you must communicate your likes, dislikes, needs and wants to others. Here are seven phrases that pertain to different scenarios and a bit more information on why they’re good statements to use.
1. "We always ____. I want to ____ instead."
Example: "We always go hiking. I want to spend more time exploring new hobbies together."
The fear of rejection is 100 percent real when communicating something you want, especially when telling someone you don’t want to do something. In this case, the pair have obviously been hiking several times, and one person wants to try something new with the other person. Instead of blatantly saying, “I don’t like this, let’s do something else,” address the issue and state what you want plainly and clearly. That way, there’s no room for misinterpretation, and you’re not directly challenging the other person’s interests.
2. "I'm excited about ____. Can we have a brainstorming session?"
Example: "I'm excited about collaborating on this new project. Can we have a brainstorming session?”
Your job is one of the hardest places to express wants—much less needs—that could make your day a little easier. Being a new employee makes this even harder. Using this phrase allows you to demonstrate excitement and proactiveness while inserting yourself more into your working environment. Not only will your employer be impressed that you’re taking the initiative by suggesting a brainstorming session, but you’re also inviting your coworkers to collaborate for a more successful project outcome. Plus, asking a question can make speaking up in the workplace a little less intimidating and awkward.
Related: 17 Phrases To Respond to Constructive Criticism, According to Psychologists
3. "I'd really appreciate more _____ in our relationship. I think it helps us _____."
Example: "I'd really appreciate more open communication in our relationship. I think it helps us connect better."
When communication is limited in a relationship or one person tends to internalize their feelings, problem-solving is extremely challenging. The first step to improving this is initiating a conversation to understand why your friend or partner struggles to open up to you. Share how you would really appreciate more open communication and state why you think this is a good idea; that way, they understand why you are approaching them about this problem. Saying this also makes it more likely that they will reciprocate the effort to create a healthy, more connected relationship.
4. "It makes me feel ____ when you ______."
Example: “It makes me feel like you don’t appreciate me or value our home when you don’t do your share of the chores.”
When one partner in the home is responsible for most of the chores, it creates a highly unequal environment—which sets the stage for frustration and resentment. Stating that you want your partner to take on more household duties isn’t an option in this case—it’s a necessity. Instead of starting a fight, use an “I” statement to show your partner that you’re uncomfortable with the way things are. Addressing these concerns and expressing how someone’s actions affect you can lead to improved understanding and conflict resolution because you’re pointing out the impact of their behavior.
5. "What do you think about ____? I've been thinking _____."
Example: "What do you think about our meal choices lately? I’ve been getting kind of bored with what we’ve been eating, and I’d love to explore different options.”
Suggesting changes in a considerate manner allows you and the other person to explore new options rather than limiting yourself to the same experience over and over again. It opens the door for discussing preferences rather than starting a fight or making them feel like you’re insulting what they like.
Remember, it’s not a competition; having a healthy relationship with someone involves approaching some situations carefully and respectfully. Plus, keeping it casual about your meals gives you a higher chance to have more diverse and satisfying meals instead of eating the same thing every week.
6. "Can we discuss _____? I'd love to _____."
Example: "Can we discuss restructuring the decision-making process in the office? I’d love to have more involvement so I can contribute meaningfully to the team.”
Going back to asserting your needs in the workplace, another difficult thing to do is to ask to contribute more. While some employers will take this and run with it, overloading you with responsibilities, others can neglect your desire to contribute and be a leader on the team. Expressing your concern about not being as involved as you like by phrasing it as a question shows you’re committed to the team’s success.
Also, by initiating a discussion about restructuring the decision-making process, you position yourself as a valuable contributor and encourage a more inclusive, collaborative approach to the workflow.
7. "I'd love to work on establishing _____. It _____."
Example: "I'd love to work on establishing a healthier work-life balance. It enhances productivity and well-being."
Another workplace challenge is having a healthy work-life balance. In the same way that it’s important to assert your need to be involved in the workplace, it’s also necessary to clock out and leave work issues at work. When you schedule a meeting with your boss, start by talking about how eager you are to perform well—but that you also need to focus on your personal health and happiness. Combined, these two things can improve your overall well-being. Plus, better performance is always an incentive for managers or company leadership. Stating your needs this way shows how you can be dedicated to yourself and want a more sustainable work culture within your organization.
Next: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
