7 Ways To Redirect a Heated Conversation This Thanksgiving, According to a Therapist
Family gathered around the Thanksgiving table in conversation
Thanksgiving week is here, and if you’re like most people, you’re gearing up for a plate full of turkey and mashed potatoes (among other fall favorites). While you’re undoubtedly going back to get seconds of your grandma’s famous pumpkin pie, you’ll want to leave the helping of fiery squabbles behind. But that might seem easier said than done. If you're wondering how to redirect a heated conversation this Thanksgiving, you're not alone.
Like most gatherings, Thanksgiving brings together family members, friends and other loved ones who may not see each other except for the holidays. This annual clash of personalities can lead to a disastrous dinner, but it doesn’t have to. Knowing how to diffuse a conflict is your biggest asset during the holidays—whether you’re sitting across the table from someone or wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving on Facebook.
Conflict resolution is essential for everyone to know, so much so that an entire therapeutic treatment approach is dedicated to it. When I use conflict resolution therapy with clients, I emphasize that the goal is to help create a scenario where both parties can listen to each other and work together—not for one person to be the “winner.” Instead of letting the negative emotions that develop after a fight fester, divert the dialogue to focus on understanding the fundamental issue of the person’s argument. Sounds pretty straightforward, right?
If not, let’s look deeper at how to talk to people you disagree with.
Related: 50 of the Best Thanksgiving Traditions To Create Wonderful Family Memories for Generations
How To Talk to People You Disagree With
When you think of disagreements at the dinner table, the first things that come to mind are probably politics, religion and money. We’re told to avoid discussing all three things at all costs—especially during the holidays. However, as tempting as it is to relive your debate team days with your Boomer uncle, it’s better to attempt to figure out a way to get your point across without starting a battle. You’re here to eat turkey, not go to war.
That doesn’t mean you should abandon all efforts to communicate peacefully with those you disagree with. It is possible to talk about the trifecta of forbidden topics in a healthy, productive manner. It's important to tap into respect, empathy and genuine curiosity.
Here are my top seven ways to redirect a heated conversation this Thanksgiving to let a family gathering remain a time for fellowship—not fighting.
Related: 12 Phrases To Use When Someone Is 'Talking Down' to You—and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
7 Ways To Redirect a Heated Conversation This Thanksgiving
1. Practice active listening
Who wants to be friendly in a conversation when they’re not being listened to? Even with people you don’t agree with, practicing active listening shows you at least respect them enough to hear them out. Even if the person is saying something completely off the wall, try to maintain eye contact, acknowledge their position and let them know you’re genuinely interested in trying to hear them out.
2. Accept the differences before the family gathering starts
It’s no secret that you won’t see eye-to-eye with everyone at a family gathering. Start preparing yourself mentally for potential differences of opinion before you come face-to-face with a conflict. Coming to a point of acceptance also gives you peace of mind, avoiding the unease that comes with an unexpectedly heated discussion with a family member you only see once or twice a year.
3. Remind yourself to set a good example
If you find yourself in the middle of a contentious conversation, take a moment to pause and remind yourself that your behavior sets the tone for the interaction. Choosing to respond calmly and as respectfully as possible can influence the overall atmosphere, changing it from positive to negative quickly—which isn’t good if there are children around or you’re the host. Set a good example and, hopefully, others will follow suit.
4. Divert the attention away from the heated conversation
Heated conversations can be exhausting during Thanksgiving dinner. Not only does it disrupt the fun, but it also ruins the atmosphere. If you’ve tried everything you can to diffuse the situation, divert attention away from the controversial material and redirect to something more lighthearted or positive. Even cracking a joke or a moment of awkward silence is better than continuing a heated conversation that’s going nowhere.
5. Ask the other person to repeat what they said
Sometimes, when someone is talking about something that sparks a debate, asking them to repeat their statement forces them to either say something they regret or allow them to reflect and reconstruct something more appropriate. While doing this takes tact, it signals that you’re actively listening but want clarification about what they said.
6. Reflect on why you’re getting frustrated during the conversation
It’s important for you to pause during the conversation too—not just the person who started a heated conversation. When you feel your temper flaring up or get tempted to say something you probably shouldn’t, take a moment to reflect on your source of frustration. Is what you’re about to argue productively? Is this a battle you want to pick? Self-awareness and intention are your best friends when trying to respond more rationally and engage in a productive dialogue, even if you don’t want to.
7. Just be honest
You can respectfully disagree without agreeing to disagree. State your point as honestly as you can without delving too much into specifics. While it’s tough to pick and choose what you bring to the table, especially if you have a strong sense to advocate for whatever you’re passionate about, honesty goes a long way in diffusing tension. Share what you want the person to know, what you value about your relationship with them, and even if you’d rather not discuss the topic now.
Next: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
