8 Phrases That Signal a Person Is Feeling Shame, According to Mental Health Pros
Woman feeling ashamed
Shame is a hidden yet widespread emotion that affects countless people. Though it hides beneath the surface, subtle signs reveal its presence. By understanding shame's secret language, we can better support loved ones silently suffering under its burden.
Experts concur that shame frequently disguises itself yet influences behavior dramatically. "Shame is especially prevalent, particularly in a world where we can consume so much information and be pressured to live well," explains Dr. Andrew Cuthbert, psychologist at Timber Creek Counseling.
Marriage therapist Andrea Dindinger notes shame drives people inward. "It often compels individuals to hide and distance themselves from others because they constantly fear being hurt." Surfacing shame requires reading between the lines for clues.
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How Can You Tell Someone Is Ashamed?
According to therapist Connor Jewell, people feeling shame often try to justify themselves to cover up their insecurity. "In my experience, I have found that the people who spend the most time justifying themselves tend to be the most insecure," Jewell explains. He states that verbal defenses are one way shame manifests.
Those grappling with intense shame may stumble over words, make frequent excuses, or over-explain their actions. Jewell says to listen for these shame-based defenses in conversation, as they can signal inner turmoil. Paying attention to speech patterns and excessive self-validation attempts can help identify when someone feels deep shame.
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What Are the Nonverbal Signs of Shame?
Shame's telltale signs often manifest physically before any words betray its presence. According to psychologist Scott Lyons, "Usually most signs of shame are nonverbal as people often don’t want to admit that they’re ashamed of something." But what specific nonverbals should we look for?
Outward indications vary, but commonly include avoiding eye contact, slumped or closed-off posture, nervous fidgeting, blushing and overall discomfort. "Often people who are ashamed don’t make eye contact or continue to look down while they may also feel frozen or not move," says Lyons, adding that trauma survivors may physically withdraw under shame's weight.
Dindinger concurs that signs like emotional unavailability, defensiveness, appearing poised to fight, and "hummingbird" anxious movements indicate shame's presence.
Cuthbert adds blushing and visible discomfort to the list of potential evidence. By tuning into shame's effect on the body's reactions, we gain a window into the underlying pain others may be going through. Remaining alert to these somatic cues allows us to compassionately address shame before it progresses to more destructive stages.
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8 Phrases That Signal a Person Is Feeling Shame, According to Mental
1. "I'm sorry..."
"When people feel shame they can be apologetic for feeling that shame or guilt over what they did," Lyons remarks. Frequent apologies without actual wrongdoing betray shame.
2. "What will people think?"
"A big part of shame is worrying what others may think of something you said or did," Lyons shares. Verbally expressing concern over others' opinions may demonstrate underlying shame.
3. "I'm not X"
As Jewell says, "I'm not..." statements often expose shame's presence through strained self-justification efforts. Perpetual denial of being "mean" or "dumb" conveys insecurity.
4. "LOL"
Jewell explains self-effacing humor as camouflage: "Humor is often a way for people to soften the blow of their shameful perceptions and make them more palatable both to themselves and others." Laughter pivots tension.
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5. "I couldn't possibly..."
"Since shame focuses on how we are less, any statements that make someone appear lesser should be searched for when trying to notice shame," Cuthbert advises. Downplaying abilities suggests deep-seated shame.
6. "This is your fault"
As Dindinger explains, blaming statements like "this is your fault" allow shamed individuals to "transfer their shame onto someone else" as a defensive strategy. They use projection to create emotional distance from their painful inner feelings.
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7. "I am terrible/awful/bad"
Declarative statements like "I am awful" reveal core beliefs about oneself—not just emotions in the moment, notes Dindinger. Saying "I'm a bad friend" exposes profound shame and self-judgment.
8. "I couldn't do anything right/It's always my fault"
These phrases showcase the "playing dead" defense mode, Dindinger says. Adopting extreme stances about one's ineptitude or culpability is an attempt to end uncomfortable conversations that are triggering underlying shame.
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