"The Bachelorette" Recap: Who Did Andi Bone?
It's that time! Finally! What's the plural of "falling in love"? FANTASY SUITES.
To kick off the episode where Andi gets to choose to forgo her individual room to shack up with as many as three suitors (not at the same time, that's for less-classy spinoff Bachelor in Paradise), we go for a walk down video memory lane with Josh, Nick, and Chris. For some reason, this season has been chock full of these unnecessary recaps. Maybe the drama just hasn't been there? At any rate, we're treated to voiceovers and fuzzy montages of things like Josh grinding on Andi at a strip club and Chris bringing Andi to a cornfield for lunch. If The Bachelorette can't figure out how to fill two hours of television a week, which, to be fair, is a ridiculous amount of television, maybe they can cut it down to an hour? Just a thought.
NICK
When we are done being reminded who the three remaining contestants are, we have arrived at Nick's date in the Dominican Republic. "What's most important to me is telling Andi that I love her," Nick intoned, looking like a hostage in the confessional segments. He has seemed unhappy all season but even a series of island outfits consisting only of fluorescent colors can't seem to cheer him up. The camera does take in his abs while Andi and Nick cavorted on a beach - as Andi put it, "He's got a body on him!"
They have a physical connection, no doubt about it, but what about the mental connection she told his little sister about? At dinner, they didn't seem to have a lot to say to each other. At one point, Andi asked him what was his most embarrassing moment. Kinda scary to contemplate marrying a guy who you are still playing 20 questions with. But they did touch on Nick's broken engagement and he admitted he was not the one who ended it. "I was embarrassed," he said.
I am going to skip over the part where Nick drew a picture book with crayons and read it aloud to Andi. It should be illegal to show something like that on television.
But, then, out came the fantasy suite card. It is show tradition that this weird card (1) is written by Chris Harrison, in some of father-figure role (2) has to be read out loud by the contestant (3) has an actual key inside, as if the sexual metaphor couldn't be any more obvious. Nick reads the card and "accepts" the offer of spending the night with Andi. It's not clear whether he actually has said ILU yet or just some variation of "I'm falling in love with you," but while they were making out near the ocean, he mumbled something into her mouth.
Chances they went to the bone zone: 90 percent. Nick has a body on him, after all.
JOSH
Andi greeted Josh with a rare fashion misstep for her: A yellow shirt with lace insets and black shorts that just do not work. Oh well, Josh doesn't mind. The guy is downright glowing when he sees Andi, locking her into his now-familiar backwards hug.
And as they sightsee, we get treated to a typical Bachelor franchise date in a foreign country. Maybe it's just unfortunate optics that the white couple is filmed in such a way that "native" traditions seem like a cute backdrop for their "fairy tale." Or it could be that the Bachelor needs to get sued again for racial discrimination. Either way, Josh and Andi walked around the Dominican Republic, ate street food, watched an impromptu dance in the town square and then, somehow, wrangled a baseball game with adorable kids.
Two things were clear: Josh can't dance and Andi can hit a ball. As with Josh's hometown date, she showed herself to be a capable athlete, no small thing with a family so insanely focused on sports as his. The baseball game also gave Andi an opportunity to assess Josh's promise as a dad-coach. "He's so natural, high-fiving them," she said. Two thumbs up!
Then, they talked on a bench about how much Josh loves Andi, her favorite topic. My viewing room was in agreement that Josh has grown on us - he's still a little doofy and not great at talking, but his enthusiasm about Andi seems genuine. She teared up on their bench talk. The stage is set for a successful trip to the Fantasy Suite.
And their journey to sex times is unimpeded. Their conversation touched on Andi's general fears that Josh is a player, which he emphatically denied is the case - "Don't categorize me into a type." The note, the key, badabing, the pool, the sauna, the Fantasy Suite is in full effect.
Chances they went to the bone zone: 98 percent. Backwards hug x 1,000,000,000.
FARMER CHRIS
After those two nights comes farmer Chris. (Or at least, so it seems: As Reality Steve reminds us, events are often shown out of order on the show.) The main issue here, as Andi delicately put it, is whether she is "comfortable spending the night with him." Their hometown date was good and all, but is Chris Fantasy Suite material?
For the afternoon activity, the two go on a horse ride. Andi was wearing a wildly impractical outfit - billowing shirt and tiny white shorts - and confessing to the camera, and Chris, that she's "a little nervous" around horses. Already, this date is not looking magical. Chris tried to be romantic but ends up with a line like, "Did anyone ever tell you that you look hot on a horse?" The two trotted along a dirt road where a farming operation just happens to be taking place and finally stop for a picnic lunch.
The vibe just feels forced. They talked about Iowa some more but it kind of peters out. Both agreed that Chris's family is nice and then, oddly, they played a game of hide-and-seek that ends with light makeout session.
Can dinner redeem these two? Once more, the topic is Iowa and Andi's potential to be happy there. "It would be very different but you could have an amazing career," Chris said, hopefully, while Andi chugged wine. He said something about two people believing that they can make anything work, that some things could be negotiable, etc. "I don't think it's negotiable for you, nor it should be," Andi said.
Then, she pulled out the Fantasy Suite card. But not to have him read. "I'm seeing what an amazing person is right in front of me and being uncertain about it," she said.
Uh oh. Chris, beginning to get the sense that this is not going in a good direction, doubled down. "I'm falling in love with you. I am in love with you," he said.
And then it all came out. Andi, beginning to cry, brought the curtain down. "I can't feel the same things that you are feeling," she said, "I could blame it on Iowa, that I can't see myself in Iowa, which is true, but a part of me knows that it's because I don't see the foundation with us."
This has to be the best, cleanest, most forthright breakup in Bachelor history. From now on, producers should only cast courtroom attorneys as the leads - they know how to make an argument. And Chris, to his credit, took the news like a champ. "I appreciate and respect you for that," Chris said. His stoicism wavered only in a few points, but after some more tears from Andi, he kissed her hand and left. His chances of being the next Bachelor are stratospheric at this point and he smartly reinforced his commitment to the process (going on six weeks of dates on national television, forced proposal) by saying, "I didn't come here to mess around." Farmer Chris, you have a future on television.
Chances they went to the bone zone: N/A
ROSE TIME
Chris Harrison, whose island wear was a restrained blue shirt and khakis, showed up to talk over the week with Andi. Andi opted for a fuchsia, asymmetrically-cut dress that billowed mightily in the wind. There is no drama since Chris already left. We learn her family is coming out to meet the two remaining contestants. Snooze.
The journey is almost over! Two weeks until the finale! It's all happening.
TOP FIVE (YES, FIVE) CONTENDERS
Josh: What can I say? The guy has grown on me. His family may be insane but Andi clearly has a great time with him and they seem to relate to each other with the most ease. It's hard to deny his front-runner status.
Nick: Now that Nick is probably not the front-runner in his own mind, can he embrace being the underdog? Andi still finds him compelling so he'll have to wow her family next episode if he wants the honor of picking out a ring with creepy Neil Lane on national television.
Chris Harrison: I don't know what was going on with Chris Harrison but he made no attempt to connect with Andi this week. Their hug was perfunctory, at best. If he has any hope of disrupting Josh's lead, he's going to have to get creative.
Marquel: Still miss you!
Aaron: Now that Aaron, Josh's brother, has been drafted by the NFL, does he stand a chance with Andi? Now that would be good television.
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Photo Credit: ABC
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