How to Bounce Back Emotionally After a Fight With Your Partner
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My husband and I fight over the typical stuff: Mostly idiotic misunderstandings but also household chores, who’s walking the dog, vacation plans, and so on. No matter the issue, though, and regardless of how intense the argument is, we always come to some kind of resolution—we either arrive at a compromise or, since we’re both a little stubborn, agree to disagree.
But, for me, the conflict doesn’t end after we make peace. I fall into a bit of a post-fight funk—I feel rattled, exhausted, and pretty mopey. The worst part: This crappy energy lingers, sometimes for a couple of hours. Rachael Jones, LMFT, PMH-C, a relationship therapist and co-owner of Trailhead Therapy outside of Chicago tells SELF it’s super common to feel upset, disturbed, or like you’re standing on shaky ground after you quarrel with a person you’re emotionally invested in (like your partner). “This is as near to a universal experience as something can be,” Jones says.
As normal as the emotional aftermath may be, however, it doesn’t feel great, which is why I wanted to know if there’s anything you can do to snap out of it. So I reached out to two therapists and asked: How can you shake off the post-fight blues, so you can stop sulking and start feeling like yourself again? Here’s what they said.
Why fights can take time—and energy—to get over
Going to war with a person you care a lot about is a highly emotional thing. As tension builds, your brain shifts into fight or flight mode, which is your body’s physiological response to stress, Warren Ng, MD, a psychiatrist at NewYork-Presbyterian and Columbia Irving Medical Center, tells SELF. As you get more worked up, adrenaline and cortisol flow through your bloodstream—these two hormones increase your heart rate, speed up your breathing, and can make you feel jittery. When the fight’s over and you’re no longer in that heightened state, adrenaline and cortisol drop, which may cause you to feel drained and exhausted, Dr. Ng explains.
At the same time, bickering with your partner can bring up deep-seated emotions around safety, security, and self-worth, Jones says. It can trigger fear about how stable your bond is, uncertainty about your future, along with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. How long these not-so-fun emotions linger varies from person to person. I, for example, tend to feel glum for a couple of hours, but others might withdraw and feel off for the rest of the day. It blows, but here’s some good news: There are a handful of things you can do to bounce back faster.
How to snap out of a post-fight funk
Don’t sweep your emotions under the rug—get to know them instead.
Rather than pushing away your feelings (tempting, I know!), you want to acknowledge and identify them, Dr. Ng says. Research shows that labeling emotions—whether they be anger, sadness, regret, and/or guilt—helps reduce their intensity.
Mentally noting what you’re feeling works, but Dr. Ng says journaling is an excellent way to organize and process your thoughts: Jot down why you got into the fight, what was going through your mind during it, and the emotions that popped up after. If you’re not big on writing, that’s totally fine—you can also try to make sense of your feelings through a voice note, art, dance, or a mood-tracking app. Again, the idea is that, by zooming out and reflecting, you can redirect your ruminating mind and feel less overwhelmed by your anger, say, or sadness.
Acknowledging your emotions can also give you some much-needed perspective about your relationship. It’s normal to have messy, complicated thoughts and feelings about what transpired. “You can really love this person and enjoy your relationship the majority of the time while also really hating what just happened,” Jones says. By acknowledging that both things can be true, you won’t feel the need to totally suppress your anger or fear or get completely overwhelmed to the point you think the relationship is doomed, she says.
Get present with some grounding techniques.
Because you’re likely still revved up, you next want to try to calm down your nervous system. Remember: Your body was just in fight-or-flight mode and stress hormones may still be surging through your veins.
To feel less frazzled, Jones suggests practicing grounding techniques such as deep breathing—the box method (inhaling, holding your breath, and exhaling for four seconds each) is a therapist favorite—or mindfulness exercises. Taking a hot or cold shower, holding ice cubes in your hands, and doing a quick body scan (which involves bringing your attention to every part of your body, from your head to your toes, and tuning into the sensations you feel) can help you relax too. These activities bring your mind to the present moment so your brain focuses more on, say, the pace of your breath or the ice melting in your palms rather than how shitty your argument was. “You want to focus on how you are feeling right now, so you aren’t preoccupied with the past or anxious and fearful of the future,” Dr. Ng says.
Whatever grounding technique you choose, do it for about five minutes or until you feel yourself relax a little, Jones recommends. “It doesn’t have to be some huge endeavor,” she says.
Get up and do something that gets you out of your head.
It can also be tempting to sulk (guilty) but that probably won’t help you snap out of your funk. If anything, staying in bed (or on the couch) and pouting is just going to prevent you from moving on, research suggests.
So, instead, change your environment and do some type of self-care activity—go for a walk, prepare a snack, read a book, or work on an arts and crafts project. “You want to do something that will get you out of that negative headspace and change how your brain and mind are thinking about the situation,” Dr. Ng says.
If you have the time, aim to get out of your head for at least 20 minutes. According to The Gottman Institute, this is roughly how long it takes to settle down and feel calm and centered again after a blowup, Jones says. You want to be as immersed as possible in the activity, she adds, to start recuperating and avoid dwelling or spiraling.
Try not to stew and learn from the conflict instead.
Fighting sucks—you and your partner won’t always disagree, and in the heat of the moment one of you might say something you really don’t mean. These things happen, Dr. Ng says.
If you’re stewing over something cruel your partner said or feeling like an ass for flipping out, give yourself some grace. Apologize if you need to, forgive yourself (or them) and learn from it—rather than mulling over how horrible that moment was, focus on what you can do better next time or the steps you need to take to repair and grow as a couple. That way, you can let go of any grudges you might be holding onto, Dr. Ng says.
The goal, after any fight, is to reach a place where you can say, “That sucked, also I love you, and I’m here and committed to working on us and taking our problems seriously,” Jones says. (Stealing this line for later.) This post-fight growth mindset not only helps you move on, she adds, but it will bring you two closer than if you never experienced the argument at all.
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