Burnham-on-Sea: the no-frills resort where Jezza likes to holiday

Of course Jeremy Corbyn went to Burnham-on-Sea on holiday. Of COURSE he did! Not only is it not Israel, which is presumably the first test that the family applies to potential holiday destinations, it’s also just so unbelievably on-brand, like writing off tuition fees or admiring Venezuela, or producing a miraculous scarlet marrow from his own allotment.

We shall come to the reasons for that on-brandness shortly, but first let’s recap what we know: earlier this month, during parliamentary recess, JC and family were pictured in the Bay View Café on Burnham’s Esplanade. Labour’s press office has a policy of not commenting on their leader’s holiday destinations, but the café’s manager told SomersetLive.co.uk that it was indeed Corbyn in the picture.

And so to the reasons why this visit makes perfect sense. First of all, the town shares a name with Andy Burnham, one of Corbyn’s vanquished rivals for the Labour leadership in 2015. I can only imagine the pleasure of holidaying somewhere that evokes my most unlikely and spectacular victory. Even a gentle soul like Jezza will surely accept that it’s the next best thing to wearing Burnham’s Lego-like scalp on a necklace.

Most potently, though, it’s not a posh or vain or moneyed town in the slightest. Rick Stein wouldn’t open a restaurant here in a million years; there are no seascape-heavy art galleries or pastel-hued clothes shops. Burnham fulfils all the basic criteria of British seaside towns, what with its pier and its lighthouses and its arcade and chippies, but has none of the fancy, hipster add-ons. It’s functional, not luxurious. It’s a seaside resort in the same way that a Lada is a car.

Sure, not many of us would choose a Lada if we had the choice, and yeah, this is an utterly different town, in looks and mien and soul and number of betting shops per square mile, from other south-western coastal resorts such as, I dunno, Polzeath, the Cornish village where the Camerons have a holiday home. But I can see the attractions. Apart from running zero risk of running into the Camerons, you can get a pint for about two quid, and nobody’s going to try to flog you some driftwood fashioned into the shape of a heart or a pair of Crocs or any of the frippery that you get in more upmarket places.

It’s a beach town for hair-shirted seaside purists, basically: if you’re here to drink fizzy pop and have a go on the fruities in the pier arcade and then sit on the big, flat, fine-grained beach, then you have everything you need. If you don’t mind the fact that the view from the beach includes Hinkley Point on the other side of the Bristol Channel, then even better.

If I have somehow talked you into visiting then be warned that Burnham has a fairly limited tourism offering. At 118ft long, the pier is one of the shortest in Britain, which is useful for pub quizzes but less useful for occupying a family, and beyond that there’s not loads to see. Head half an hour up the road to Brean Down, though, and you can climb a huge coastal peninsula with a Victorian fort at the top. 

All that said, I’d still probably pick Polzeath if I had to choose between there and Burnham. But each to his own.

Five fine reasons to try Burnham-on-Sea

The pier

It’s so stubby that at low tide it’s very much inland, but Burnham’s pier offers fast food and an arcade.

The lighthouse

There are three: the Round Tower and High Lighthouse, which are no longer in use, and the Low Lighthouse, which is.

The beach

By the sea. You can’t miss it.

The church

The tower of St Andrew’s is famed for leaning left, at least when viewed from the seashore.

The daytrip within a daytrip

Brean Down is great for coastal walks. Brean Beach is nice, too.