Psychologists Say This Is the Best Empty Nest Advice for Parents Sending Their Kids off to College
When the kids are grown and up and out of the house, you should feel a profound sense of accomplishment. After all, you did your job as a parent. But if, instead, you're left with a feeling of grief or loneliness, you might be experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome. "Empty Nest Syndrome is not a disorder or diagnosis, but it can be a very challenging transition for caregivers," says Anna Hoffman, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist at Thrive Psychology in California. "Many caregivers will experience a sense of loss, loneliness, worry, and sadness when adult children leave the home.
On the other hand, some people experience the empty nest as a relief! This phase of life also introduces opportunities for more personal freedom, leisure time, and deepening of relationships with a partner, friends, or other family." If your kids are gone and you're at odds with yourself, here's how to tell if you're dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome — and how to prepare yourself for the transition if you're not there yet.
Empty Nest Syndrome can cause anxiety, a profound sense of loss, and other feelings.
The emotions parents feel when their kids leave run the gamut. "Some parents experience an overwhelming sense of grief," says Amy Morin, LCSW, psychotherapist, and the author of the bestselling 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. "Not only will they experience less contact and interaction with their children, they may also experience an identity crisis of sorts. Parents who have identified as a 'soccer mom' or a 'stay-at-home dad' may suddenly wonder who they are or how they fit into the world. Some parents report feeling a lot of anxiety as they don’t know what to do with their time. Others report feeling depressed as they experience a sense of loneliness. And for some, it’s also about coming to terms with their own mortality. Knowing that they’ve raised their children to adulthood may cause them to feel 'old.'”
"Typically, the signs of depression apply to this syndrome," says Elizabeth Cohen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. "Crying a lot, not sleeping or not eating as much as usual. You might also notice that you’re constantly trying to reach out to your child and make sure you have contact with them all the time. This might be a sign that you’re not accepting the fact that they are truly away and the relationship has changed."
Empty Nest Syndrome doesn't always hit families equally. "Research indicates that women tend to be more impacted by their children leaving the home than men," Dr. Hoffman says. "Women are often socialized to predicate their worth on their role as caregivers, and to put the needs of others before their own. They're also more likely to change career or educational trajectories when children are born; as a result, when children leave the nest, women may experience a profound loss of purpose and connection."
Also, the way you're affected may be different depending on the makeup of your family and your role in it. "If you're a single parent, you may have a very strong bond with your child, and this can cause a deeper sense of loss when your child leaves the nest," says Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., a therapist in Florida and author of the book Gaslighting. "You may also feel a sense of relief and pride that your child has become independent — and you may feel some guilt about feeling relief. If you've raised your child as a couple, there may be conflicts over how each of you is processing or handling your child leaving home. You may also have a period of getting to know each other again. In some cases, when couples have more time to focus on their relationship, it becomes stronger — in some cases, they realize that their relationship has run its course and it is in their best interest to separate."
After the kids are gone, you have to reconnect to who you are as a person.
After the last kid leaves the house, there will be a period of transition as the family finds a new normal. "The first step is getting back in touch with yourself," Dr. Hoffman says. "If you were to invest as much energy into taking care of yourself as you would your own child, what would you do? Ask yourself, 'How can I take good care of you emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? What would bring you a greater sense of meaning or joy? Whom do you want to spend time with?' Don’t be surprised if answering these questions is very difficult! Remember, your attention has often been focused outside yourself, on your child or children, for almost two decades, maybe more! It’s challenging to turn that attention back toward ourselves."
It's also hard to resist the urge to cling to your role as caregiver. "Some parents experience an overwhelming sense of urgency to keep parenting a child who has left the home," Morin says. "Making frequent phone calls, delivering meals, and scheduling appointments for an adult child may be attempts to ward off Empty Nest Syndrome. They might also focus their anxiety on their children. They may wonder if their child is eating, sleeping, and caring for themselves." This could lead to helicopter parenting, which ultimately stunts a young adult's ability to problem-solve for themselves.
"It’s important to acknowledge that your role in your child’s life is changing," Dr. Sarkis adds. "You will always be Mom or Dad, but your child may need you in a different way now."
To prepare yourself for an empty nest, find enjoyment in things other than parenthood.
This should start well before the kids leave the house, ideally throughout the duration of child-rearing. "Parents who have balance in their lives and are content in other areas of their lives will have an easier time with the empty nest," says Christina Jones, LCSW, a psychotherapist in Chicago. "This also means spending quality time with our children throughout the years leading to them leaving the nest. Often times, the 'Syndrome' is exacerbated by feelings of guilt that we didn't spend enough time with our children when they were younger so we want those years back."
Some other ways to conquer Empty Nest Syndrome:
Figure out the frequency and method of contact you'll have with your kids before they leave. "You can start texting them every night to make a loving connection," Dr. Cohen says. "This is a good practice to do when they leave, but it’s a good thing to practice before, too."
Structure your days. "Schedule out every hour of your day, including scheduling in free time," Dr. Sarkis says. That'll keep you from feeling purposeless.
Take up a solo pursuit. Jones suggest enrolling in a new class (or even going back for a new degree), taking up a fitness plan, or planning a vacation. Now is the time to try out new hobbies, or even a side-hustle that makes money.
Connect with others. Just like when you joined a new-parent group when the kids are young, it's helpful to be around other empty nesters who can validate what you're going through. And, if you have a partner, it's fun to go on dates again and reconnect as a couple.
Take baby steps. You do not have to become a new person overnight. "Start by setting small, manageable goals until new habits begin to form, taking the place of routines that centered on caring for your child," Dr. Hoffman says.
Remember, "Kids need to leave and grow," Dr. Cohen says. "From the moment they're born, they're learning how to separate from us. This is just another life change. Embrace is and you will feel free."
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