Empty nest for the holidays? Experts say this is how parents can cope with kids not coming home

It’s the holiday season and your teen or young adult offspring has been gone for a spell and you are anxiously awaiting their return. You’ve probably planned all the activities you will do together as a family and have started preparing extra food for your holiday dinners. Then, out of nowhere, you get a text or maybe a Facebook message from your child telling you the words you thought you’d never hear—they aren’t coming home.

You are devastated, and perhaps even angry, that your child doesn’t want to spend the holidays together. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were counting down in your head to when your child will turn legal age and leave the nest, now you want them to return. Life is interesting like that, but as parents, we have to recognize that our teens and young adults are living and learning the world with training wheels.

“I think parents are afraid that they'll be left out. Being left out is an awful feeling. There is a great fear of missing out. I don't necessarily think that parents are afraid of their children's independence, but rather that their new life will not involve them,” says Lea Lis, who is a double board-certified adult and child psychiatrist and a clinical professor at New York University. Lis has years of experience helping families pass down intergenerational wisdom, instead of trauma by using modern psychotherapy techniques she’s perfected over the years and makes available in her book The Shameless Psychiatrist’s Guide to Parenting.

It’s a natural feeling to be afraid of being left out, but do not allow your fear of not being included in your maturing children’s life make you do or say something you will later regret.

“Parents are going to have to come to terms with the fact that their children are growing up and want independence. Soon, they may have a spouse and might have to share their holidays with the other sets of parents. This is a very normal developmental stage. Parents should think positively that their child is growing up, creating their own family life and soon will get to be a part of their child's vision for their own family,” says Lis.

Several mental health professionals and counselors agree that parents can navigate a more positive experience in the event their child doesn’t want to visit home for the holidays. Some suggest instead of reacting angry or putting a guilt-trip on your teen, offer alternatives that don’t impose on the child. Adina Mahalli, certified mental health expert and family care professional of Maple Holistics, explains why parents may react negatively towards their children not wanting to be with for the holidays.

“Yes, it will be a blow to your heart if your college-aged child doesn’t want to come home for the holidays, but you need to take it with a grain of salt. You may have carried them in your womb, paid for their education and gave them a loving and warm home, but there comes a point when your child will want to do something different than what you want,” says Mahalli.

She continues, “It’s difficult to not freak out at them or get offended, but staying cool and keeping calm is the best way to show your older teen what they are really missing out on. Tell them how much you’ll miss them and hope that wherever they spend the holidays, they have a good time. Your support will hopefully make them reconsider for the following year.”

What are some things parents can do to maintain a healthy bond with their absent children during the holidays? Relationship expert Marla Mattenson weighs in with tips for parents:

“Parents can utilize the power of technology to stay in communication with their kids even if they choose not to visit this year. Zoom, Skype, FaceTime and other video platforms are incredible tools to connect with loved ones who are far away this holiday season. Parents can also send loving video messages to include their kids in the festivities so their children know they are still loved even though they chose to be in a different location this holiday season.”

Here are a few alternative ways to accept your kids not visiting home for the holidays that Mattenson suggests for parents.

Do not say...

“Well, your grandma is only going to be around for a short time, honey. You really should make it a priority to come home. What if this is her last holiday with us?”

Instead, say...

“Even though I don’t like your decision, I accept it. And would you please make an effort to connect with your grandma? Honestly, I don’t know how long she’s going to be with us. Maybe you could send a fun video for her. What do you think?”

Do not say...

“But we only get to see you a few times a year now that you’re in school. I won’t get to see you until Spring Break or summer!”

Instead, say...

“It’s really hard for me to only get to see you a few times a year now. I’m adjusting to our new dynamic and honestly, I’ve had a hard time. I expected you to come home for the holidays and I’m working on accepting your choice. Would you be willing to make a date with me for a video chat so I can see your sweet face and feel happy for you in your decision?”

Do not say...

“You never come home! But you expect us to pay for school, rent and expenses. You have to come home. Period.”

Instead, say...

“Honestly, I’m angry you’re choosing not to come home and I’m dealing with those emotions. I do honor your choice and I’m not happy about it. Let’s find a time to talk because I’d love to understand more about why you’re making this choice so I can be genuinely happy for you.”

More words of advice from Matteson to keep in mind when dealing with an empty nest for the holidays: “Remember, every choice you make as a parent is teaching your child how to respond when life doesn’t go their way. Do you use manipulation and guilt to get your child to do what you want? Or do you honor their choices even if they don’t align with your own? You’re invited to choose love and inclusion over punishment and exclusion this season.”