I got dumped because I have MS. Should I disclose my diagnosis on dates?
Question: I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2019. If you don't know, it's a chronic disease of the central nervous system, and it is very unpredictable. I could be fine for the majority of my life, or not.
My first year after the diagnosis was rough. My MS was very active, but for the last two years I have had no activity and every trouble I had is gone again. I have a great doctor and even participated in a clinical trial for a new medication. I changed my lifestyle after the diagnosis, and I’m healthier and more fit than the average person my age. I'm in therapy, too.
I'm 27 and have been single for a few years now. Recently, I got back into the dating scene, and after a few failures, I met a guy, and we hit it off! Normally I'm very open about my diagnosis, but my therapist suggested waiting a little while to tell the people I date about my MS. So, with the last guy I waited.
I told him after two weeks, and it did not go well. He said I was "emotionally manipulating" him. After he took some time to think about it, he decided it's something he doesn't want in his life. When we sat down for this talk he said there were other reasons he was dumping me, too. I asked him to share those reasons. He said, "You have blue hair" and "You showed me your face without makeup very quickly and, therefore, you didn't make an effort." So, to me, it seems like it really is just due to my MS.
My question is, when do I tell the person I'm dating about my diagnosis? If I do it in the beginning, they don't see who I am aside from my MS. If I wait, am I emotionally manipulating them?
Should I just leave? My mother-in-law says I stole her son and treats my daughter like trash.
Answer: I’m so happy to hear you’ve really taken care of yourself in the face of a difficult diagnosis. I’ve worked with many patients with MS and, while it is without a doubt a challenging disease, so many of my patients have amazing, loving, supportive and caring partners.
I don’t think there is a perfect timeline for telling someone such an intimate detail about yourself. Generally, however, I agree with your therapist and think that waiting until the relationship develops is a good tactic. You have to be comfortable with this person to be vulnerable with them, and that takes time. When you tell someone is truly up to you, and by the sounds of this guy’s reaction, I think you dodged a bullet.
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This is big news to share with someone you’re dating, and they may not react well or need time to process the new information. However, I would not say that waiting until you're comfortable with someone is emotionally manipulative. I think the fact that you told the last man you dated at the two-week mark was totally fair. It sounds like your diagnosis threw him off his game. I think the excuses he used about your hair color and makeup demonstrate this. Isn’t one of the main points of a relationship to get comfortable with someone? Don’t you want to see them without makeup and love them for who they are? I think he was blaming you so he didn't have to deal with his shame of not being able to handle dating someone with a chronic illness.
It’s true that not everyone is equipped to date someone with an illness or disability, but that simply means they’re not your person. There are so many people out there where a diagnosis or disability won’t impact how much they care for you, and while it may take some time to find them, I have no doubt you will. Dating is hard for everyone, and you may have an added complexity, but try not to get discouraged. Any poor, outrageous reactions to your MS have more to do with those people than you.
Wishing you well,
Morgan
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Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at [email protected] or you can click here to share your story with her.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Multiple sclerosis and dating: I got dumped because of MS. Now what?