It's time for your daughter to get her first bra. Here's how to have that talk.
Experts share how to make the bra conversation less "awkward."
Bra, brassiere, over-the-shoulder-boulder holder ... whatever they’re called, at some point parents need to have a talk with their daughter about the garments. How that goes can be tricky.
Experts say it’s best for a caretaker to have a conversation with the growing girl before she questions the protruding new buds, a fellow student points out the expanding chest or worse: An authority figure makes the awkward observation.
Dr. Cara Natterson, a pediatrician turned writer and the doctor behind the popular series The Care and Keeping of You, says before any words are spoken about this complicated topic, all judgment needs to be left at the door. That includes the urge parents may have to tell their daughter she needs a bra or must wear one.
“Lots of people all over the world don’t wear bras,” Natterson tells Yahoo Life. “Not everyone wears a bra and needs to wear a bra, yet I make them for a living.”
Natterson started the bra company Oomla after going bra shopping for her daughter about a decade ago and finding everything was “uncomfortable, unattractive or inappropriate.” She recognizes it might be hard for parents to shift their perspective from "girls must wear a bra" to simply explaining the purpose of a bra. Parents may worry their child might get teased or bullied if the girl's breasts are visible through clothing.
“If you feel it’s a safety issue, frame it that way,” Natterson says. “You could say, ‘based on the clothes you are wearing I can see everything happening with your body changes and I would like for the whole world not to see it. What’s your take on it?’ And then zip it.”
Natterson says most girls will say they do not want others seeing their chest. Whatever the response is, children will appreciate the space to formulate their own thoughts.
Dr. Trish Hutchison, a pediatrician and the chief medical officer for Girlology, says the normal timing of breast buds is anywhere from ages 8 to 12. She recommends having discussions about bras and breasts before these buds ever appear.
“If you talk about it before the change, they are actually excited about it, they are looking down their shirt waiting for it,” Hutchinson says. “The conversation doesn’t need to be emotional but matter of fact. ... At this age, kids don’t know about sexualizing part of our body." Instead, parents could discuss the biological function of breasts, such as producing milk to feed a baby, or simply acknowledge it as a natural part of the human body.
She agrees with Natterson that parents need to unpack their own baggage before having any conversation on the topic. It’s only awkward if it’s made awkward.
“It’s a normal thing,” Hutchinson says. “Pivot and make it so it’s not awkward.”
The conversation also should be geared toward the girl’s personality. Some girls want bras before they ever have a sign of a breast bud, or want a bra because they see friends with them. Others may want nothing to do with a bra and may avoid even talking about one.
If that’s the case, Hutchinson says try bringing in a third party — a trusted friend, an aunt, even a babysitter — to have that conversation to ask why the preteen is against bras. It could be as simple as she hasn’t found a comfortable one.
Shopping for that first bra can be a complicated process. There are few, if any, preteen girls who will actually be willing to go to a store and shop with their mom for a bra. Thanks to online shopping, the embarrassing mall moments can be avoided. If parents find their daughter isn’t even interested in looking online, they can buy a few for her to try on in the privacy of her own bedroom, and let her know the ones she doesn’t like will be returned.
Natterson, says most first bras will likely look like sports bras, but notes that most sports bras are not recommended for extended wear.
“They are great for sports, but they are not designed to be worn all day because they are very binding,” she says. “Think about what it feels like when you take a sports bra off: complete and utter relief.”
Moms may remember being confronted with sexualized lingerie ads when they went shopping for their own first bras. According to Natterson, that sexualization "still exists," but modern-days options also support a "counter-narrative" that caters to "people of all shapes and size, functionality, comfortability [and] utilitarian" styles.
“Back when I was growing up it was either a nude, that didn’t match anyone’s skin tone, or the Victoria’s Secret paradigm and that was kind of it. Now, it’s amazing the variety," she says.
The conversation doesn't need to end with discussing and buying that first bra; experts say it's important to keep the momentum. Mom and other maternal figures have the opportunity to serve as role models and lead by example. Daughters should hear the importance of breast health and breast exams. Let them know lumps are normal when breasts are growing. Bumps that can look like pimples on the areola and hair in the area also are normal.
“The first conversation is by no means the end,” says Natterson, who talks about this very topic on her podcast, The Puberty Podcast. “Normalizing that conversation is really important. It’s the beginning of the back and forth.”
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