This Indonesian Instant Coffee Is the Best I've Ever Had

Alright, so here’s a weird one. A few years ago, I would spend a good chunk of my time looking for cheap cigarette deals online. I was a young, inexperienced, health-unconscious garbage-guy who thought he was too good to pay the $10 it cost at the time to buy a pack of Camels. I found scammy places here and there, but eventually settled on a site called CiggiesWorld, which specializes in cigarettes made in Asia and Switzerland.

These cigarettes ended up being exactly what I was looking for: cheap, flavorful, and completely against the regulatory practices of the FDA. [Ed. note: Extra Crispy does not endorse CiggiesWorld.] You’ll find cigarettes here you would never find in America: packs featuring cartoon characters, milkshake-flavored cigarettes, and dozens of packs from Indonesia (where smoking laws are notoriously lax) for a quarter of the price you would pay here.

But this story isn’t about this website or the decidedly bad choices I made chasing a nicotine high. It's about opening up my shoddily-wrapped package from Indonesia and noticing the packing material was made up of two small bags of instant coffee. More specifically, something called Kopi Luwak White Koffie that ended up being my go-to instant coffee.

First off, this isn’t the actual Kopi Luwak coffee that’s made from the partially digested coffee cherries eaten and shit out by the Asian palm civet. This is a cheap imitation. It’s dehydrated Arabica coffee, non-dairy creamer, and sugar. You tear open the pack, pour into boiling water, and drink.

Perhaps I was quick to judge this mystery concoction because of how well it pairs with illegal Indonesian cigarettes, but friends, this is the greatest instant coffee I’ve ever had. It’s sweet, sharp, light, and leaves a spicy flavor in your mouth after each sip. While I’m sure it pales comparison when tested alongside the real poop coffee, I’ve come to rely on Kopi Luwak White Koffie as a luxurious post-dinner treat on par with hot chocolate or a hot toddy.

Sure, you may get a few weird stares when mixing this stuff. It doesn’t smell like a typical cup of coffee and actually gives off nutty, grassy notes. In fact, a coworker once asked if someone was smoking pot after getting a whiff of my instant coffee. I let him smell my mug to reassure him I wasn’t drinking liquified weed (the fact that I was high anyway was pure coincidence).

So, if you’re in the mood for a delicious mug of instant coffee that has spent almost a month in transit, buy yourself some cheap cigarettes and thank whichever god you believe in that the person shipping them has some sort of grudge against bubble wrap. Or, you know, just get it straight from Amazon.