‘It feels like a death’: Friendship breakups can be just as heartbreaking as romantic ones

Judy, who asked not to use her last name, was devastated when she found out that her friend of 25 years was spreading false rumors about her, didn’t believe that symptoms from her chronic illness were real and never checked on Judy when she was sick. Despite her friend’s shortfalls, “I was really sad for a very long time” after the friendship ended, she tells Yahoo Life. “I really loved and cared about her.”

Just like romantic relationships, friendships sometimes come to an end. When friends break up suddenly as opposed to gradually losing touch over time, they may experience many of the same emotions. Even though some friendships last far longer than many romantic relationships, breaking up with a friend often doesn’t always get the same level of care, attention and sympathy. That can leave someone going through a friendship breakup feeling hurt and alone.

According to Dr. Christina Lee, psychiatrist and medical director of mental health at Kaiser Permanente in Baltimore, friendship breakups are more common than many people realize. “Research suggests that most friendships dissolve over time due to life transitions, with up to 70% of friendships ending after seven years,” she says.

Friendships end for several reasons

As friendships evolve, they sometimes dissolve, Lee says. This can happen for many reasons, including changes in life circumstances, such as moving away, shifts in priorities or growing apart due to being at different stages of life, says Lee, adding that conflicts, misunderstandings or unmet expectations can also play a role. “These shifts are natural as people grow and change, but they can be hard to accept,” she says. Friendships may also end when one person feels they are giving more than they are receiving from their friend or if one friend feels that the relationship is having more of a negative impact on their lives than a positive one.

For Christina, who asked that we not use her last name, developing different priorities over time led to the end of a 20-year friendship. Although Christina and her friend had once been close, as they got older, “we had a huge difference in what it meant to be successful,” she tells Yahoo Life. “I prized family, friends, my marriage. She was always concerned with money, career and outward appearances.”

As a result, Christina says her friend was constantly putting her down for things that were important to her, such as joining the Parent Teacher Association at her child’s school. “Instead of lifting me up, she brought me down,” she says. When Christina decided to end the friendship, her friend was shocked, but Christina says she knew it was the right move even though it wasn’t easy.

'It felt like a death'

Friendships and social connections are an important part of life and are essential for health and happiness. “They’re foundational to our sense of connection and identity,” Lee says. Friendships often provide “emotional safety and validation,” so losing one can feel as though a part of yourself is missing, she says. Lee explains that long-term friendships carry the same deep, emotional intimacy and shared experiences as many romantic relationships. When they end, that loss can leave a significant void, similar to that of losing a romantic partner.

In some cases, this can trigger a grieving process. The end of a friendship can amplify “feelings of loneliness, rejection and confusion, which can affect your self-esteem,” Lee says. It can also leave someone feeling betrayed and cause them to question other friendships. This can happen even if it was your decision to end the friendship.

Judy shares that she experienced profound grief when her long-term friendship ended. “It felt like a death,” she says. Even two years later, Judy says she is still saddened by the end of her friendship.

However, some people react differently. Although Christina says it was painful to end her friendship of two decades, once it was over, she realized how much the relationship had taken out of her. Over time, she says, she felt relieved.

Friendship breakups can feel isolating

When someone breaks up with a romantic partner, they usually know what to expect, and others know how to support them. “Romantic relationships often come with cultural scripts for endings,” Lee says. In contrast, “friendship breakups lack clear rituals or closure, which can make them more ambiguous and painful.”

They can also feel more isolating because friendship breakups are less openly acknowledged and supported by society, Lee says. Nevertheless, "it's important to recognize that the hurt is valid and deserves the same level of care and attention as any other significant loss,” Adrianna Holness, a clinical psychologist and founder of Worth and Wellness Psychology, tells Yahoo Life.

The same rituals some people use for closure at the end of romantic relationships can help when friendships end. For Christina, that meant throwing out anything that reminded her of her former friend, including photographs and gifts the friend had given her, so she could move on.

Although friendship breakups aren’t talked about as openly as romantic breakups, “recognizing this as a natural part of life can help normalize the experience,” Lee says.

Take time to grieve

Because the loss of a friend can have a significant impact on well-being, experts say it’s important to find ways to process your emotions and grief. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you come to terms with the loss of the friendship and help you understand why the friendship ended. Holness suggests writing a letter to your former friend, even if you don’t send it to them. This creates a “space for reflection and emotional release,” she explains.

Christina talked to a therapist about the loss of her friend and leaned on her husband for support, while Judy coped by talking to people close to her who didn’t know the friend she had lost. “They helped me see what was really going on” and feel better about the situation, she says.

Holness says that recovering from the loss of a friend can take some time. “Grief isn’t linear,” she says. “It may come and go in waves.” Lee says, “Remember, every ending creates space for new beginnings, and every experience is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.”

Judy says she’s learned some lessons from her friendship breakup. “I've made new friends, and I am always keeping in mind to pay attention to people's behavior rather than ignore it so I don't have to go through that again,” she says.