How To Know If Swinging Is The Ideal-Non-Monogamous Lifestyle For You
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Remember the episode of That 70s Show where Kitty and Red unexpectedly find themselves at a swingers play party (or, excuse me, “wife swapping party”)? While the ‘70s is a time of the past, engaging sexually with other couples continues to be highly in style. Swinging, also known as “the lifestyle,” is a form of ethical non-monogamy and alternative relationship style that is rising in popularity.
“Swinging is usually (though not exclusively) a coupled activity, involving an established couple who enjoy varying their sex life by exploring sex with others in a safe environment,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist. This environment might be “an arranged party or a club setting, where there are basic rules people follow to maintain an upbeat atmosphere and [ensure] sexual-health-aware choices [are being made].” But swinging isn’t only reserved for sex parties (more on that later).
Meet the Experts: Gloria Brame, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission. Stefani Goerlich, LCSW, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and kink expert. Braelin A is a queer sex educator and fetish artist based in Cleveland, Ohio.
These days, if you’re swiping through dating apps or even out at a bar, the chances of you meeting folks who categorize themselves as swingers is pretty high. But what does it mean to be a swinger, exactly? How do you engage in a swinger relationship? And how do you know if “the lifestyle” is right for you?
To help answer all of your burning questions, Women’s Health tapped Brame, as well as kink experts Stefani Goerlich and Braelin A, to give you the low-down on everything this style of non-monogamy has to offer.
What is swinging?
At its most basic, swinging is a lifestyle wherein people—often couples—have sexual relationships, such as casual hookups, group sex, or even partner swaps, with multiple people. Swingers may play with their romantic or life partner(s), or on their own, per Goerlich.
And while some people may associate the practice of swinging with heterosexual couples, it isn’t exclusive to cis-het folks. Any couple or even an individual, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can take part in the swinging lifestyle.
Swinging is a broad community that includes many different roles. For example, some swingers might look for a “unicorn,” which is someone (generally a single woman) who engages with them as a third during sexual play. You might even stumble upon some couples looking for thirds on mainstream dating websites, Goerlich notes. This is often called “unicorn hunting,” which can be an entry into the swinging lifestyle for both new swingers and self-proclaimed “unicorns.”
There are many different reasons why couples and singles choose to participate in this relationship style, "but the majority of folks are pursuing it to explore sexuality in one way or another,” explains Braelin. It’s a tool for “exploring sexual fantasies, experiencing variety in their sex lives, and enhancing personal freedom and sexual liberation.”
For some, “the thrill [of swinging] is seeing their partners enjoy pleasure with new partners,” says Brame. “It is a safe and mutually consensual way for a couple to sleep with others while respecting their own partnership,” Brame adds.
For many swingers, the lifestyle centers around attending events, like sex parties and swingers resorts, and having play dates to engage with like-minded people. It’s a sort of recreational or social activity for many of those in the lifestyle, adds Braelin.
Within the swinging community, couples may also engage in swaps, which can fall into one of two categories, known as a “soft swap” and “hard swap,” based on degree of sexual activity. A “soft swap” can mean that a couple may choose to enjoy everything but penetrative sex with another partner, per Brame. Think: Oral sex, handjobs, kissing and caressing. A “hard swap,” on the other hand, is when a couple decides that there are no limits on the type of sexual intimacy they may have with casual partners.
What’s the difference between swinging and an open relationship?
Swinging falls under the umbrella term of “ethical non-monogamy,” just like an open or polyamorous relationship. But here’s the thing: ENM relationship styles, swinging, polyamory, and an open relationship aren’t exactly the same thing.
“The easiest way to understand the differences in forms of ethical non-monogamy is by considering the degree of emotional engagement involved in each relationship style,” says Goerlich. Swinging typically does not come with the expectation of a romantic or emotional connection—the primary focus being on sexual experiences, and less on building lasting connections. Open relationships, however, may involve more of an emotional or romantic connection outside of one’s primary partnership, where each partner can date and sleep with other people.
“Folks in open relationships might be less likely to attend sex parties or engage in group sex than those who identify as swingers. But [they] are most likely to form relationships separately from their primary partners,” says Goerlich. “Open relationships tend to afford space for separate, extra-relational, sexual relationships, including ongoing sexual relationships or erotic friendships,” Goerlich adds.
Then there’s polyamory which, "includes love and romance that extends outside of sex, or deep friendships, and [often] works in tiers,” says Brame. Those who practice polyamory may have a primary partner (say a person they live with), plus a secondary (a person they frequently see), and, at times, a tertiary (someone they see on a less frequent basis), and so on, per Brame.
While swingers, more often than not, are specifically looking for sexual experiences outside of their partnership, poly folks are more interested in nurturing romantic attachments with a range of people, even though their main commitment is to their primary partner. Yet, both relationship styles work for folks who have needs that are unmet in a traditional relationship—either a desire to have same-sex liaisons or experiences that their primary isn’t necessarily interested in, like kink play.
How do I know if swinging is right for me?
“Deciding if swinging is right for you involves some serious self-reflection and communication like you’ve never experienced before,” says Braelin. “It’s important to consider personal boundaries, emotional readiness, and the strength of the primary relationship. Mutual consent and comfort are key.”
The swinging lifestyle isn’t something to suddenly jump into. “People need to have long, deep conversations before choosing the swing lifestyle,” per Brame. “It is critical for the couple to have a meeting of minds on what their mutual limits should be, how often they wish to engage, what moral code they will follow, what health guidelines they will abide by to keep themselves and their partner STI-free, and so on.”
If you’re partnered, it’s important to understand that non-monogamy is not a solution for relationship problems. If you’re currently struggling with your communication or experiencing some other relational issue, it’s essential to do the work necessary to get your relationship on a solid footing before you even consider bringing others into the mix, says Goerlich. You might explore couples’ therapy to gain professional advice and have an outside party help you work through those knots.
But if your relationship is going well and you’re both simply curious, here’s how a few swingers knew the lifestyle was right for them:
They and their partner are interested in having sexual experiences outside of their partnership or marriage.
They experience “compersion”—a term that describes feeling joy, rather than jealousy, seeing your partner happy, even if with someone else.
They feel they relate to the open and honest lifestyle that swinging can foster.
If you and your partner have both considered swinging and have deeply communicated what that might mean for your relationship, then swinging might be right for you.
How do I start swinging?
1. Communicate with your partner.
First things first: Communicate with your partner. “Tell them you’re interested, and see if they’d be aroused by the possibility, too,” Brame suggests. Set aside time to talk about what you’re both comfortable with, like if you prefer a “hard” or “soft” swap, and other boundaries you may have.
2. Learn about the lifestyle.
“The swinging lifestyle has its own unique language, culture, and etiquette,” says Goerlich. “Just as you would with any new community, take some time to learn and research before you enter into a lifestyle space.”
“There are tons of great blogs and forums where you can read, ask questions, and get tips and feedback before you walk into your first party or club,” Goerlich adds. “r/swinging on Reddit is a great place to ask questions and get feedback about how to enter the swinging world safely and ethically.”
3. Attend a swingers’ club as voyeurs first.
Swinging isn’t just about having sex with others, it can also involve partaking as voyeurs at a sex party or intimate get-together. Watching others engage sexually can offer some great inspiration before diving right in—use this as a small step to plan and communicate about what level of swinging you would both be comfortable doing. “A club is the right setting for voyeurs because, while activity is going on, there is no direct pressure on anyone to participate,” Brame says.
It’s worth noting that being a voyeur involves having respect for others’ boundaries, and consideration for party attendees’ preferences. So before taking a front-row seat, ask the couple or group if they’re comfortable being watched, first.
4. Find an online swinging community.
The great thing about the internet is that it provides so many resources, plus access to communities you otherwise may not have been able to reach or been aware of IRL.
When getting started, you might consider creating an account on a site like Swing Lifestyle—a veteran website catering to this niche community—which would give you access to information about upcoming swingers events as well as a space to find other swingers near you, Goerlich suggests. Social media groups and poly-friendly dating sites like Feeld are also great resources for connecting with other who participate in the lifestyle.
Regardless of where you’re at on your journey, swinging is an excellent tool for exploring kink, experiencing ethical play with others, and above all, finding community with like-minded, non-monogamous people. Convinced? Find out for yourself.
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