The Law and You: Being abusive is a choice
When I was a new lawyer in Plattsburgh, I provided free half-hour initial consultations. This started because, in talking with the folks at our local STOP Domestic Violence program, I learned that they saw many women in abusive relationships who asked about their rights and options.
They wondered, and needed to know, whether they even had rights. They had many questions, like: Did what their spouse was doing amount to the grounds for divorce called “cruel and inhuman treatment,” meaning physical or mental cruelty? What would they lose if they moved out? How could they protect their children? What could they take with them?
To give them some place to turn for the answers, I offered free “know your rights” consultations. At first, most people were referred by STOP-DV, then it expanded so anyone could have that half-hour free appointment.
In doing this through my 11 years of private practice, I learned that many people were in unhappy marriages. They felt emotionally and psychologically abused, even more than physically. Commonly, their spouses told them they were stupid or crazy. This resulted in them believing they did not deserve anything better than the life they had.
It was eye-opening to me, listening to hundreds of people tell me what they were enduring. What was called “domestic violence” then has come to be called “intimate partner violence,” and “coercive control relationship.” By whatever name, it is a “calculated pattern” of one person having power and control over another. One person in the relationship, usually the male but not always, dominates the other, controlling virtually every aspect of their life.
When I became District Attorney, my eyes were opened further because I saw every case in Clinton County that the police were called to. Many involved criminally abusive behavior towards children, as well as towards spouses and partners. During the time I was DA from 1989-2001, almost every homicide was by an intimate partner.
People who told me about their lives in these coercive and violent relationships felt pretty much alone. Hearing so many accounts, though, I realized there were repeated patterns, even almost routine ways of speaking and exercising control. Before I even knew that experts in domestic violence were writing about its dynamics and calling it “power and control,” I identified that myself from the many similar stories I heard with patterns of controlling and demeaning behavior.
These relationships were not coercive from the outset. Often, in the beginning, the man was so attentive and loving, he swept the woman off her feet. Now that is called “love bombing” — meaning extreme flattery, attention and expressions of love.
We have learned about how abusers “groom” children they choose to sexually abuse, the methods they use to manipulate and get compliance from the kids as they slowly and sneakily change the friendship or mentorship to sexual exploitation.
As I write this I wonder if the “coercive control” relationships that start out with “love bombing” are another example of targeting and grooming the intended victim? Very few people, if any, would begin a relationship with someone who abused them from day one. So, they need to be tricked, deceived as to the admirer’s real character.
Part of the control is destroying the other person’s self esteem. Breaking down another person can be done in little steps over time. This is often coupled with isolating them from family and friends — at first expressing this as they love you so much they want to spend all of their time together. This grows to more ways to keep the controlled partner away from others who might help them.
When it is effective, the target of this control may not even realize what has happened. When they are in it, they do not see what those outside see. Or even if they do, they may believe they have to defend and protect their abuser to be safe. Guilt and shame can also play a part in deciding not to tell.
Learn more about the different types of abuse and their signs at https://tinyurl.com/mr25zmd9.
There is good advice online to help yourself or someone else in a bad relationship.
— Penny Clute has been an attorney since 1973. She was Clinton County district attorney from 1989 through 2001, then Plattsburgh City Court judge until her retirement in January 2012.
Resources
10 Excuses Domestic Violence Survivors Tell Themselves — https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/the-excuses-we-tell-ourselves This website has excellent articles. There are many more resources online. Look up key words such as “coercive control relationship,” “love bombing,” and “gaslighting” to learn more
STOP Domestic & Sexual Violence organization in Plattsburgh — Call (518) 563-6904 for a 24/7 Hotline