The One Thing You Should Never, Ever Say if Your Adult Child Is Struggling With Addiction

Emily Laurence
·5 min read

Mother consoling adult child who's struggling with addiction

As a parent, you want to do everything you can to protect your child and ensure they live a full, happy life—whether they’re five or 45. It can be devastating to watch an adult child struggle with substance abuse, having a front-row seat to the destruction addiction can cause. 

When an adult child is struggling with addiction, it can be hard to know what to say or do that will support their recovery. You may be afraid that something you say or do will push them away. Or you may wonder how you can show that you love them without coming across as endorsing or enabling any destructive habits or behaviors. Here, addiction therapists share what to avoid saying to an adult child struggling with addiction as well as what to do to support them.

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What Not To Say to an Adult Child Struggling With Addiction

If you have an adult child struggling with addiction, licensed addiction counselor and Sanare Psychosocial Rehabilitation founder Briana Severine, MS, LPC, LAC, CPRP, says that there’s one comment in particular you should avoid saying: “How could you do this to us?”

In general, she says it’s important to steer clear of any comments that are loaded with shame. “We as human beings are separate from our behavior. The behavior may be bad, but we are good. Remembering that any messaging that communicates not that behavior is bad but they are bad increases shame and doesn’t do much to change behavior,” she explains. 

Severine says that another reason why asking “How could you do this to us?” is particularly unhelpful is because it makes the addiction about you. “They aren’t doing this ‘to’ you. They have found an unhealthy but effective coping mechanism for underlying trauma or mental health issues,” she explains.

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Dr. Vanessa Kennedy, PhD, Director of Psychology at Driftwood Recovery, a boutique residential rehabilitation center in Texas, adds that a person with addiction doesn’t set out to hurt their loved ones. “They usually feel shame or embarrassment on some level about their addictive behavior,” she says.

Dr. Kennedy explains that drugs and alcohol can numb these emotions and cover up their true feelings. “It is important to separate your child’s addictive behavior from the person you know who has values, strengths, judgment and the capacity to change. Drugs and alcohol often lead to major personality changes, such that the substances become a priority over relationships, responsibilities and goals,” she says.

Another question to avoid asking is: “Why can’t you just stop?”

“Unfortunately, stopping an addictive pattern is not as simple as just putting down the alcohol or drugs. Addiction affects the brain’s ability to maintain a healthy balance of neurotransmitters,” Dr. Kennedy says, explaining that addiction is a physical disease; someone can’t simply “stop” if they want to.

“Addiction cuts across various socioeconomic levels and can affect even high-functioning people. Arresting the addiction typically involves physically separating the person from the substances and helping them manage withdrawal symptoms with medication and therapy,” she explains.

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What To Say—and Do—To Support an Adult Child Struggling With Addiction

When an adult child comes to you and shares with you about their struggles with addiction, Dr. Lawrence Weinstein, MD, Chief Medical Officer at American Addiction Centers, says a great first step can be reassuring your child that you love them. “Be honored that your child trusts you enough to ask for help. Tell them you love them and that you will work together to overcome this challenge. Remember, your child needs your support and guidance during this difficult time,” he says.

Severine agrees, adding that it can be helpful to tell them that admitting they have a problem is an important step toward recovery. She also says it can be beneficial to acknowledge their feelings. “Listen to and validate the feelings that they are having about being stuck in the addictive cycle. Try to recognize that the substance has been a coping skill for deeper symptoms,” she recommends.

After you communicate to your child that you love them, Dr. Kennedy says it can be helpful to tell them that you’re there to help them figure it out. Then, all three experts say that it’s important to be part of the solution. They recommend educating yourself on the best ways to help your child and to attend family support groups. After all, addiction impacts the entire family and you will need help too.

It can be particularly difficult to know what to do if an adult child struggling with addiction experiences a relapse. Dr. Weinstein says that if this happens, avoid punishing the child. “Parents should avoid condemning them or saying anything negative or guilt-inducing towards their child. Instead, they should offer unconditional love and emotional support while also setting clear boundaries,” he says. “Punishment is not an effective way to help someone with a substance use disorder and can actually make the situation worse. It's important to remember that relapse is unfortunately common and does not mean that all progress has been lost.”

What’s most important to communicate to an adult child struggling with addiction is that you love them and will be there for them no matter what. The road to recovery isn’t easy, but it’s a lot easier when you don’t have to do it alone.

Next up, check out these 18 alcohol-free drinks to enjoy.

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