How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist

One of the most isolating experiences as an individual is also one of the most universal: worrying that someone is mad at you. "It's a very common topic," Dr. Carolyn Rubenstein, Ph.D., psychologist and wellness expert, tells Parade. "Which might be a good thing—we care about what people think and we want people to like us."

Fortunately, if you're wondering how to stop worrying that someone is mad at you, Dr. Rubenstein has plenty of tips and tactics, which is no surprise—as her Instagram account reads: "Unraveling anxiety, burnout & self-sabotage, one strategy at a time." She has posted about this specific subject before, outlining five practical ways to stop the spiral of feeling overwhelmed by the idea of someone being upset with you, and tells Parade exactly why these ideas work, how to implement them in your own life and why it's important to give yourself grace in the midst of it all.

"Relationships can handle mistakes and conflicts and misunderstandings," Dr. Rubenstein explains. "And it's reminding yourself of that. They're not conditional on every single moment and action that you do. That's putting a lot of pressure on ourselves."

Lucky for all of us, she's here to help.

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Why Do I Get Anxiety When I Think Someone Is Mad at Me?

"When we think about having anxiety about someone being mad at us, often, we care about that person and that relationship," Dr. Rubenstein says. "We're worried [because] this is an important relationship to us. And so we fear if they're mad, that something bad could happen to the relationship."

Of course, there are other reasons you might feel anxious when you think someone is upset.

"Another instance where it could happen is if you fear conflict," says Dr. Rubenstein. "So maybe it's not so much the relationship, but you fear someone getting upset with you and actually having to deal with the conflict—and dealing with that head-on can be pretty scary."

People pleasers may also feel a sense of dread when they think someone is mad at them. When you think someone doesn't like you or looks at you weird, it can make you feel uncomfortable and anxious and worried that you did something wrong, Dr. Rubenstein explains.

She emphasizes that the reason someone might feel anxious if they think someone is upset with them can actually be broken down into many different reasons depending on the person and the relationship, stressing that nothing is simple when it comes to relationships and anxiety.

Sometimes, it even has less to do with the specific person you're worried about, and more to do with your past relationships and experiences.

"Something that we forget often is that we will project past relationships and past experiences onto this relationship, and we don't even realize we're doing it," Dr. Rubenstein says.

What Is It Called When You Constantly Think Someone Is Mad at You?

While "anxiety" is one valid umbrella term to describe this experience, Dr. Rubenstein shares that "paranoia" is another possibility, explaining that it's when you're "focusing on what's going on in your head and how you're interpreting the situation moreso than the reality—focusing on your fears and your beliefs and all of the what-ifs."

This can also be described as an "anxious attachment style."

"Someone with an anxious attachment style tends to have somewhat of an anxious relating style [to others], and needs more direct reassurance that nothing is wrong, [and] everything is good on a constant basis," Dr. Rubenstein says.

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How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You

Dr. Rubenstein shares five ways to stop worrying that someone is mad at you, and what that looks like in a practical sense.

1. Focus on facts rather than fears/negative interpretations

"We tell ourselves stories—we tell ourselves these big, creative narratives about what people are thinking that are very much emotion-based, that are based on all of these worst possible scenarios," Dr. Rubenstein tells Parade. 

Once someone begins to think in these worst-case scenarios and focusing mainly internally on the feelings that they're having, it can be difficult to see the situation as it actually is. 

"Our fear is kind of taking things and blowing it way out of proportion, because usually we latch onto one tiny aspect and we magnify," Dr. Rubenstein says, emphasizing that it's important to pause and reflect.

"What are the facts here of the situation? What do we know to be true?" she recommends asking yourself. "And so it might be, 'Well, I spoke to [my friend] yesterday, we have plans to meet up tomorrow, they're busy, they have a busy schedule today and she rarely responds to my texts immediately....' OK, those are the facts."

Narrowing it down can actually help to expand your perspective. Dr. Rubenstein explains: "It helps to balance it out a little bit and to give a little bit less credibility to those negative and fearful interpretations."

2. Remember that it's OK to make mistakes—if you have upset someone unintentionally you can apologize

"It's so important to remember that we are human," Dr. Rubenstein says. "We make mistakes and relationships are often strengthened by when things aren't perfect and we own them and we talk through them, they can grow."

It might feel more comfortable in the moment to simply avoid the conversation or hope the person just gets over it without you having to say anything. But according to Dr. Rubenstein, you'd be missing the chance to own your vulnerability.

"That's where connection grows—through vulnerability. So yeah, make a mistake, it'll grow your relationship," she laughs.

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3. Identify what is triggering the uncertainty

Once you're in the mindset that someone is mad at you, it can put you into a spiral quickly. Dr. Rubenstein recommends asking yourself point-blank: "Why are you thinking this way?" 

She elaborates: "Often, you're like, 'I don't know what started this, I have no idea where this is coming from,' and so just realizing that you're in a spiral is huge and sometimes you can stop it and recognize [the trigger]."

It could be that you haven't gotten a text back or that the person is really busy that day.

"There [are] a million different things that could be possibilities aside from 'this person hates me' or 'I did something wrong,'" Dr. Rubenstein says. "But without knowing the trigger, the spiral just continues and continues and continues."

4. Focus on the present moment—engage in what's in front of you

"It's called 'grounding,'" Dr. Rubenstein shares. "If you're having a panic attack or you are spiraling and you need to come back to reality, you can focus on the five senses. I use the rainbow method which is [when you] look around the room and you look for five things that are red, five things that are orange, you go down the rainbow and you can expand it—silver and gold and white and black. It's great if you're in a spiral and you're having a really hard time going from spiral to logical, it can be a good way to help you reset to the present moment."

There are other ways to intentionally distract yourself as well.

"If you're fixating on this one text and you are looking at your phone, you're waiting for this person to respond or looking at the words and rethinking and replaying it over and over and over, it's only going to make things so much worse and your perspective is just going to keep getting narrower and narrower and narrower," Dr. Rubenstein explains. "Instead of that fixation or focusing on the past or potential future that could be horrible, go back to right here, right now, away from the phone, from all of that, and focus on who and what is right in front of you. It can be huge."

Maybe you're at work and could focus on the next project that's due. Maybe you're with another friend and you could give him or her your undivided attention. Allowing yourself to be distracted can absolutely be beneficial and give you the space you need to better process the situation later on.

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5. If appropriate, ask the person directly

Dr. Rubenstein recommends checking in with the person directly about the situation if it's been a few days and you really do think you did something wrong.

"I say this cautiously—like if this is something that you're doing constantly with someone, then there's something else going on," Dr. Rubenstein says. "But if this is a situation where you feel like, 'I think I actually did mess up here,' ask if the person is upset and talk through it."

She understands it's easier said than done, but it's worth it.

"It's hard," she shares. "But it's also that moment of vulnerability and connection if you care about what that person thinks and feels. Because that will be that will be construed when you approach that person and you own that maybe what you did was felt in a negative way and you didn't mean that and you want to talk through it with them.

So, how to best start that text or conversation?

"Rip the bandaid off," Dr. Rubenstein recommends. "If I'm with a client and we're talking about this and it's been some time and they're gonna send a text or something, I'm like, 'You're sending it right now. Just do it.'"

Even if you're afraid of the reaction, at least you can be vulnerable and get it out into the open.

"I would just own that you're uncomfortable and say, 'This is really hard and uncomfortable,'" Dr. Rubenstein says. "Share that and it kind of takes down people's guards—your own included—and say, 'I feel like you're mad at me' and say what the situation is and they might say, 'Yeah, it really did upset me, but I appreciate you coming to me.'"

Even though they might admit that they are mad at you, they'll likely appreciate you coming to them instead of pretending there is no tension. And the weight of carrying around the "what if" will fall off your shoulders as well.

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