Humor: Can You Do Parent Math?

Algebra, geometry, and even calculus can’t prepare you for the real math skills you need as a parent. Parent Math is the kind that only experience can teach you.

See how your Parent Math skills add up by trying to answer these word problems.

1. Your 10-year-old has 5 friends over for a birthday party that includes dinner. If she normally eats 2 meatballs and 3 ounces of spaghetti, how many meatballs and how much spaghetti should you make for the party? Keep in mind that one friend is gluten-free, one only eats white foods, and the twins are vegan.

Answer: 2 pounds of gluten-free pasta with vegan butter, which all the kids will eat while shouting, “Eww, I’m not eating meatBALLS!”

Logic might have told you to make 8 regular meatballs, 4 vegan meatballs, and 18 ounces of brown rice pasta — 3 without any tomato sauce. Logic does not work in this scenario and is, therefore, wrong.

But you could also consider saving yourself a lot of hassle by just buying a dozen cupcakes instead.

2. It’s a Thursday afternoon, and you’re putting the baby down for a nap at 2 p.m. He usually sleeps for 1.5 hours. How long of a nap can you take while your baby sleeps?

Answer: 7 minutes

It takes you 23 minutes to fall asleep and, on Thursdays, the recycling truck comes by at 2:30 p.m. and will wake you up.

3. You live 8 miles from school and the morning bell rings at 8:45 a.m. If you’re getting into the car at 8:37 a.m., how fast must you drive to make it on time?

Answer: You can’t make it to school on time using a car. You need a teleportation device, which doesn’t exist.

But the good news is you don’t need to risk a speeding ticket because there’s no difference between 2 and 12 minutes late. Both will result in your child’s 8th tardy of the year.

4. How many minutes before the bus comes should you wake your child up if it takes him 15 minutes to shower and brush his teeth, 10 minutes to get dressed, and 15 minutes to eat 3 spoonfuls of Cheerios? (Hint: The answer is not 40 minutes.)

Answer: 60, 52, 48, 41, 36, and 29 minutes before the bus arrives.

Just don’t be shocked if he misses it anyway.

5. If your family ate 12 bananas last week, how many bananas should you buy this week?

Answer: 3.

Maybe you thought the answer was 12. Hahaha, no. Everyone is now sick of bananas, so that’s wrong. But your daughter will complain if you don’t buy any to put in the bowl she made at ceramics camp which is on the counter.

You might as well start looking for a banana bread recipe now.

6. If there are 3 people in your family, you go out for dinner once a week, and you have already done the dishes 5 times this week, what’s the likelihood you will have to do the dishes again tonight?

Answer: 100%

Since you do the dishes every time no one else offers, it’s now just expected that you will always do them, and you have no one to blame except yourself.

7. You bought your daughter a $100 winter coat and she promised to wear it for 3 years. If she usually wears a winter coat 100 days each year, what will the cost be per wear?

Answer: $12.50

The most straightforward answer is 33.3 cents per wear, but I think you know by now that parenting is anything but straightforward.

A week after buying the coat, your daughter will lose it. It will take you 30 days to remember to check the lost and found at gymnastics, where, good news, you will find it! But by then, the winter will have turned unseasonably warm due to global warming, and she won’t need it.

The next year, your daughter’s frenemy, Allie, will show up on the first cold day in the same coat, after which your daughter will refuse to wear hers.

The following year, when your daughter and Allie are besties again, you’ll discover she has gone through an unexpected growth spurt, and the coat is now too small.

This will make your daughter cry because it was her favorite coat!

8. It’s currently 58 degrees and raining heavily, but the temperature is expected to drop to freezing, resulting in a 30% chance of snow at dismissal time. Will your son wear a rain jacket or a winter coat to school today?

Answer: Obviously, the answer is neither.

But there’s a 99% chance he’ll wear shorts.

So how’d you do?

I bet you aced it!