Humor: Cat interviews hopeful cat owner

Hello Jim!

I appreciate your interest in becoming a cat caretaker. It was a competitive year, but your application stood out. It says here you graduated from Harvard as an undergrad, got a doctorate from Northwestern, and maintained a steady career for nearly eight years. All of those are qualities I desire in my next owner.

Oh, please don't get the wrong idea. It can be fun to go with the flow. An artist had this position before you. Whimsical homemade toys were fine when I was a kitten. But there came a point I wanted to get more serious. I don't want to lie around for hours. I want to achieve great things. Claw to great heights. Eat bigger fish. I can't do that with someone who dedicates most of their free time to dressing me in sweaters for some Instagram account.

So, just to be clear, you're not an aspiring influencer, artist, or dog groomer? No? That's good. Thank you for your honesty. Let's move on.

Looking at your skills, I couldn't help but notice that you padded your resume a little bit. What do I mean? Under "experience," you said, "I rescued a dog and raised it for six years until he passed away from old age." I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your experience with caring for a dog has very little in common with caring for a cat. It is like saying you have restaurant experience after running a lemonade stand. You're playing a whole different game.

Let's review some basic questions before I approve you for a final interview.

Do you like balls?

Oh, you do? Well, that's unfortunate. I hope you like to fetch them yourself because I don't "fetch" them for anyone unless I feel ironic.

What is your opinion regarding declawing?

Yes, it is inhumane. Good answer, good answer.

How many lives does a cat have?

YES! Cats, indeed, have only one life. You have no idea how many people think we have nine. I don't like that rumor. It gives them a reason to be more careless with us cats than one would wish.

So I've made an effort to ask around about you. The old lady down the street who leaves tuna out said you're reliable and caring. Coming from her, this is high praise. If there is one thing we cats can't stand, it's a caretaker who is inconsistent about food delivery deadlines.

However, you do have one glaring dark mark on your record. I run my background checks as thoroughly as I clean my fur, Jim. I miss nothing. Through some investigation, I found your childhood babysitter. She told me some…troubling stories. Apparently, when you were three, you enjoyed grabbing your cat's tail. She said, and I quote, "The little monster took an almost perverse joy from watching them struggle to free themselves."

Obviously, I don't have to explain why this gives me pause. No, not paws. Please don't joke. This is a grave matter. Get a dog if you want an animal who laughs at your stupid jokes.

Still, I trust you have grown out of that unfortunate habit. But to be safe, I've clearly stated in your contract that tail-pulling will result in your instant termination as my caretaker and a painful scratch or two.

That's all the time I have for you today. Thanks for coming in. If I have any more questions, I'll yell outside your window at three in the morning.