Humor: How to land a man if that man is Henry VIII

What should I do to catch my man?

Catherine of Aragon
The way to a man's heart is through his desire to prove his masculinity. Henry rescued me from the fate of spinsterhood when I was a helpless virginal widow. Did he love my personality? Maybe. Did he love my looks at the time? Yes. But what he really adored was being the hero.

Anne Boleyn
Embrace your personal brand of sexy. Every woman is different, so you must find your unique quality to show off. Regardless of appearance, you can use body language. A coy look over a fan does wonders. It helps to know what your partner is looking for. Some men want a woman who listens, while others want hips that can bear an heir. If you show them that you understand their needs and can deliver, you're in. Oh! Don't have sex too soon. Kings lose interest. Fast.

Jane Seymour
I suggest being the opposite of the current girlfriend or wife. Monarchs are men (can you even imagine a female one?), and thus, what they truly desire is variety. My rival was vivacious and fiery, so I, in contrast, was cool, pious, and aloof. It drove him crazy. Crazy enough to behead Anne and marry me. If that's not proof of the effectiveness of my strategy, I don't know what is.

Anne of Cleves
Be the daughter of important people, particularly if you are ugly. Not only will your parents pay artists the big gold to airbrush your flaws away, but you'll still be a catch for political reasons.

Catherine Howard
Youth! The secret is youth! Men love taut bodies and perky breasts. We make them feel hopeful as if they have a second chance at their youthful fumbles. If you're over 23, this advice is too late for you. Sorry!

Catherine Parr
Honesty is the best policy for creating a good, lasting relationship. Don't have any secrets that make him lose his head or want to cut off yours. Men also want a real partner, someone they can depend upon to hold down the fort while they are off unsuccessfully trying to conquer France or whatever country they believe has slighted them.

How do you keep your king happy?

Catherine of Aragon
Refrain from wearing a hair shirt. It shows you love God, sure, but it doesn't do anything for your husband's comfort.

Anne Boleyn
Don't convince your man to break it off with the Catholic Church. He will bring it up in every subsequent fight after you fail to conceive a male heir.

Jane Seymour
No matter how many monasteries he destroys or how many of your court ladies he beds, don't nag. If he wanted a nagging wife — oh wait. He didn't. That's why he killed the other one. So do yourself a favor and be the girl he thinks he wants with the childbearing hips he actually needs.

Anne of Cleves
Don't cause trouble when he wants a divorce, and you will stay alive. Is being "like a sister" really bad compared to being like an Anne Boleyn?
Catherine Howard
Having sex in front of your roommates is impolite and inadvisable. SOMEONE (Liz, if you are reading this, I know it was you) is likely to blab.

Catherine Parr
Just nod and smile until your husband dies. Then you can do whatever with whomever you wish.

How do you handle the end of the relationship?

Catherine of Aragon
Never let him forget for a moment how good he had it.

Anne Boylen
Keep a cool head and walk gracefully to the chopping block.

Jane Seymour
Die before you do anything to screw up the relationship. This way, you're always the ideal version of womanhood that no other wife can live up to.

Anne of Cleves
Live your best life in a palace paid for in humiliation and good behavior because between getting mad and returning to the strict German courts. We all know what is preferable.

Catherine Parr
Put on a brave face and secretly marry the guy you always liked who's been waiting in the background while you still have your stepson's love and approval.

Any final words of advice?

Catherine of Aragon
Men might say they prefer older women, but they mean no older than 25, or at whatever age breasts begin to sag.

Anne Boylen
Be careful how many people you piss off while you rise to the top because if you didn'tdon’t have them killed, they'll be there waiting when you're falling to the bottom.

Jane Seymour
Take charge of your health. Should you feel odd after giving birth and your doctor tells you everything is fine, ask for a second opinion.

Anne of Cleves
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That being said, don't think your filter will fool anyone when you meet in real life.

Catherine Howard
Secrets get out, so be honest from the outset. Oh, and don't sleep with your husband's privy men. Or hire exes. Or admit it in writing. Honestly, there are a lot of lessons I learned a little too late.

Catherine Parr
After my fourth marriage, I can tell you that the fourth time is not a charm either. Might I suggest living happily as a wealthy widow?