Can’t Relate To Your Friends' Sexscapades (And Don’t Want To)? You May Be Graysexual
Have you ever been low-key uncomfortable in the middle of a conversation with your friends who can’t stop babbling about their latest hookups? Or maybe you just, to put it simply, can’t relate? If so, there’s a chance that you might be graysexual.
Graysexuality falls under the asexual umbrella, and when you’re graysexual, you generally don’t feel sexual attraction to others as much as an allosexual person (a.k.a., someone who regularly experiences sexual desire). And when you do feel it, you’re kind of neutral about it.
But there’s more to being graysexual than just not feeling as horny as your friends. As is the case with every sexual orientation, it’s important to note that graysexuality lies on a spectrum and how each person defines it might differ, says Ashley Zayas, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist who serves clients in New York and New Jersey. “There are some people that identify as graysexual that have less sexual desire and attraction than other people that identify as graysexual, but they are all still graysexual because that is the identity and the label that they've chosen,” they say. So, if you have a friend who identifies as graysexual, it’s always a good idea to talk to them about what it means to them.
Ahead, experts identify what it means to be graysexual, what it looks like in dating, and how it differs from other sexualities.
What does it mean to be graysexual, exactly?
If you’re graysexual, you have “infrequent sexual attraction” to others, says Zayas. And when you do feel that attraction, it typically isn’t strong enough to act on.
How can you tell if you’re graysexual?
If you’re feeling ambivalent about sex or sexual attraction—perhaps a thought you’re having is “Eh, I don’t really need it”—you could be graysexual. “If you're thinking about choosing partners, physical attractiveness is probably not gonna be very high on your list of importance,” says Zayas.
What does being graysexual look like in dating and relationships?
When dating around, you tend to be more interested in someone’s personality than physical attraction. And when it comes to acts of intimacy, you might want to engage in cuddling, hugging, and lying down together, mostly, rather than having sex.
When it comes to your relationship, your partner might also be asexual (someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction) or demisexual (someone who experiences sexual attraction once they’re emotionally connected to someone), which could make things easier in that realm. “They kind of have a similar place that they're coming to the relationship from and a similar way of viewing sex—that it's not something that's top priority for them,” Zayas adds.
However, it’s also possible for graysexual people to have fulfilling relationships with those who are allosexual, through open communication, says Zayas. “This can include scheduling sex, asking if the person would like to get into the mood—a phrase TikToker @bdemoves says—and anything else the person identifies that could help them feel more sexually connected to their partner,” they explain. “For the allosexual person, thinking about ways other than sex they can feel connected to their partner will also be helpful!” If you and your partner are still having trouble, reaching out to a couples therapist is never a bad idea.
What is the difference between being asexual and graysexual?
Asexuality is an umbrella term for sexual identities that experience very limited to no sexual attraction (i.e., graysexuality, demisexuality), but it can also identify someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction. Graysexual people, on the other hand, do experience sexual desire—just less frequently than those who are allosexual.
Where does graysexuality lie on the asexual spectrum?
If you’re looking at the sexuality spectrum with asexual on one end and allosexual on the other, graysexual is on the side closer to asexuality, and demisexual is somewhere in the middle, according to Zayas.
“The consensus at this point is that all of these terms are under the umbrella of asexual and that graysexual and demisexual are just separate labels underneath that umbrella,” says Zayas.
Can you be both demisexual and graysexual?
It’s possible. If you need an emotional connection before you can feel sexually attracted to someone and then once you’re connected, you don’t experience that desire super often, you could be both.
How does being grayromantic come into play?
Grayromantic people feel some romantic attraction to others, only they feel it less often than those who are alloromantic (people who regularly experience romantic attraction to others). Zayas gives the example of being grayromantic and pansexual: “They don't really have the urge to be in romantic relationships very often, but they will be in sexual relationships with people of all different genders,” they say.
Can graysexuality be fluid?
Definitely. If you do or don’t identify with graysexuality right now, that doesn’t mean your identity is set in stone. “Gender is flexible. Sexual orientation is flexible; how sexual we are is flexible,” says Zayas. So, it’s completely normal if your sexuality evolves over time.
You Might Also Like
Solve the daily Crossword
