These parents let their teens drink at home. Here's how they address the dangers of alcohol.
In the United States, the national legal drinking age is 21 years old and has been so since 1984. However, according to information provided by the Alcohol Policy Information System — a project of the National Institute of Health — 45 states provide legal exceptions for underage drinking in certain contexts. While most of these provisions require parental consent and are related to private property, some do not. In six states, a person under 21 may drink on private property without parental permission. In eight states, an underage individual is allowed to drink in a public restaurant or bar with parental permission. Regardless of local laws, there are many American parents who choose to allow their children to consume alcohol before they've turned 21. Here's why.
‘Wine is part of the Jewish Seder’
For Becky, who lives with her family in Ohio, allowing her teens to have the occasional taste of alcohol is prompted in part by their religious tradition. Ohio is one of 29 states where it is legal for minors to drink with their parents' permission on private property. “We have an interfaith background and celebrate both Christian and Jewish feasts,” Becky says. “Wine is part of the Jewish Seder. As the kids got older, we allowed them to have tiny glasses of wine as we celebrated the ritual.”
A secondary consideration was that Becky wanted to introduce her children to alcohol in a safe manner. “We’ve had conversations with the kids about drinking since they were quite young,” she says. “Because there is alcoholism on both sides of the family, I have discussed the reality of addiction, the dangers of drinking and the importance of being able to resist peer pressure.”
While Becky says that her oldest, who is now an adult, has little to no interest in alcohol and tells her that his friends feel similarly, she laments previously modeling an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. “What I do regret is developing a habit of drinking myself, which may seem fun and normal for a Gen X mom, but which I realize sends a message to the kids that grown-ups need booze to have a good time or deal with stress. My generation’s relationship to substances is deeply unhealthy,” she says.
‘Dad gave us sips of beer’
Ann lives in Washington state, where it is also legal for minors to drink with parental permission on private property. She says that allowing her children to sample alcohol was normal, as this is how she herself was raised. “My Italian grandfather would give us grandkids a little red wine at weddings to sip. My mom let us have a glass of champagne at my confirmation. Dad gave us sips of beer,” Ann says.
For Ann, it was important to take away the mystery and temptation of alcohol while educating her children about different types of alcohol and how they should be consumed. “I myself had no clue until recently that hard ciders tend to have more alcohol than beers,” she says. “So we taught them, Don’t chug rum. Check alcohol percentages.”
Now that Ann’s children are all of legal age to drink, only one of them chooses to consume alcohol, and only occasionally.
‘I wanted them to know what it was like to have too much to drink and have to carry on with life’s responsibilities’
Tiffany in Pennsylvania has always allowed her four children — only one of whom, at 16, is currently underage — to drink as teenagers, including being allowed a glass of wine at family occasions. Her reasoning? Tiffany was worried that if they had no exposure to alcohol, they would go off to college and binge-drink due to peer pressure.
“I felt that allowing them to experience alcohol in a safe environment with me knowing would take away the need to binge it,” she says. “It did not always work, but those were my reasons.” According to Tiffany, her 16-year-old has no interest in drinking now that she has sampled alcohol.
But letting her kids' friends drink in her home is a hard no. “I have never wavered from my position on ‘no drinking allowed’ at my home by other teens,” she says. “I actually checked bags if we had a party.”
She's also come down hard when her older kids, who are now of legal drinking age, overindulged. “I made them get up, do chores, go to church and eat a big lunch, all while ‘green,’ because I wanted them to know what it was like to have too much to drink and have to carry on with life’s responsibilities,” she says. “My oldest daughters say they will never forget that lesson.”
‘I offer my teens sips or small glasses during celebrations, but they rarely accept’
Marybeth in Maryland tells Yahoo Life that being raised by parents who allowed her to drink as a teenager influenced her decision to be lax about her own children drinking at home. “I was always allowed to drink during special occasions and family gatherings growing up in the 1980s,” Marybeth says. “I offer my teens sips or small glasses during celebrations, but they rarely accept.”
Marybeth’s husband never consumes alcohol, and she believes that his teetotaling influences her children to refrain from drinking, which is a choice she approves of despite offering alcohol to them from time to time. This offer applies only to her own children, however, as she does not want the responsibility of other minors drinking in her home. But Marybeth also makes sure to let her kids know that if they party too hard, she will be there for them. “I do always tell my kids I will pick them up if they’re in a dangerous situation, and they won’t be in trouble for it,” she says.
What an expert says
Brenda Conlan is an alcohol and other drug educator with nearly 30 years of experience conducting workshops and advising schools and other institutions on substance abuse education. According to Conlan, allowing teens to consume even the occasional alcoholic beverage is not a good idea. “The leading predictor of alcoholism is age of onset of intoxication,” Conlan says. “Each year that drinking is delayed, the likelihood is reduced.”
Conlan recognizes that parents are attempting to stave off further problems, and she also acknowledges that religious observances are a different matter entirely, but generally speaking, her position is that sobriety carries zero risks — therefore, there is no need to provide alcohol to teens. “Teens drink to feel different, to relieve anxiety, to get their spark," she tells Yahoo Life. “Sadly, what they gain from alcohol is only a loan, and there is a good possibility that alcohol will have to be on board to recapture those feelings in the future. This is how dependence sets in, and it can be avoided by delaying the onset of alcohol use in young people.”
Some parents point to Europe, where the drinking age is lower and there is, generally speaking, a more lax view on exposing young people to alcohol. Conlan, however, points out that in Europe, teens do not have the same access to motor vehicles or to firearms, two distinctly American cultural differences that should be considered, she says. Additionally, studies have shown that Europe has a high alcohol-related mortality rate and is perhaps not a reliable role model when it comes to alcohol and teens.
Instead of providing the occasional alcoholic beverage to teens, Conlan recommends modeling moderate adult consumption. “It is positive for kids to see adults approach alcohol as a beverage — something that complements an event (a meal, party or special occasion) with no visible personality changes or other consequences,” she says.
And for those parents who do not wish to be hypocrites because when they were teens, they did drink, Conlan offers reassurance. “If your child asks you about your own life, they are looking for the ultimate outcome, not the gory details,” she says. “I think it can be a fruitful conversation to let them know that you struggled, too.”
Ultimately, when it comes to setting rules around teens and drinking, Conlan encourages parents to constantly reevaluate their approach and do research in order to lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship with alcohol.
