Is This the Right Way to Use a Colander?
Apparently you and I and everyone we know has been using a colander incorrectly all this time and I just don't know what to believe anymore. We need to call both Julie and Julia in to consult on this; this is a culinary emergency.
According to a now-viral Twitter post the colander, that hole-y bowl with stubby legs that doesn't seem to fit comfortably in any of your cabinets and sometimes goes by the name "strainer," is chronically misunderstood.
First of all, whoever made this original photo array is the definition of chaotic evil. Haven't we dealt with enough this week? We are still trying to process Moron-gate (now in its second, ever-more absurd day!) we definitely don't have time to be litigating how we get our noodles unwet. What is this?! Can't this wait until the next administration? Can't we just wait until we all get to Heaven and we can ask Commander Colander herself?! Why do we do these things?!
I'm sorry. I'm screaming. I have a lot of pasta-related feelings. But really, what the (Wolfgang) Puck is this? This is a true culinary bad dream. A kitchen nightmare, if you will.
According to this meme, you're supposed to stick your colander into your pot of boiling water, pick the whole contraption up and dump is all out into the sink until the pasta is dry and has magically wrapped itself into a neat coil like slap bracelet on the wrist? Not on my watch!
Frankly, this is Fake News. No verification from me. I demand an apology. From everyone.
I have Googled colanders for hours (for fun; unrelated to this) and I have never seen anything so absurd. This is Russian interference and I won't stand for it!
This is how you use a colander:
Or this:
Or this:
Wait, I'm sorry, but what the Bobby Flay is happening here?
What are these girls doing here? What is the narrative? See what happens when people start doing whatever they want with colanders? The threads of the universe start to unspool.
Seriously though, what is this? Is this girl struggling to get service on her aluminum foil phone while wearing a colander helmet? What is the game she's playing here? Pretend to be Alex Jones?
Oh good. She found a signal.
I can't handle any more of this.
Listen, you can do whatever you want in the privacy of your own kitchen, but if I find out that you're draining your pasta by sticking your colander in the pan instead of putting it in the sink and pouring the hot water over it, splashing boiling water dangerously close to your skin like the founders intended, I'm dragging you in front of Congress.
And by Congress, I mean the judging panel on Chopped.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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