What is a 'default parent?' Experts share ways to prevent burnout as the parent who 'carries the heavier load.'

Parenthood is full of challenges, from late-night diaper changes to deciding whose turn it is to drive the kids to school. But for "default parents," the daily challenges of parenting often fall squarely on one set of shoulders ... their own.

"The term 'default parent' refers to the one [parent] who carries the heavier parenting load," Colleen Wenner, founder and clinical director of New Heights Counseling and Consulting in Fort Walton Beach, Fla., tells Yahoo Life. "The default parent is responsible for the children's emotional, physical and logistical needs."

While all parenting comes with a list of obstacles, Wenner explains the parenting style of relying upon a default parent makes it all exponentially more taxing. "Parenting is hard enough without having to do it while you're exhausted, overwhelmed and sleep-deprived," she says. "When you are the default parent, parenting becomes doubly challenging because there's no one else to help out. You're doing everything yourself."

How does someone become a default parent?

Wenner explains while some parents work together to strategically decide which responsibilities fit each parent and the family's overall lifestyle, this is often not the case with default parenting.

"For example, there might be a couple working full-time, [so one parent is] choosing to be the primary caregiver," she says. "In other cases, there's an intentional conversation where one parent chooses that role without the other having much input. But, more often than not, [the role of default parent] falls to one parent without a conversation."

Laura Doyle, New York Times bestselling author of The Superwoman's Practical Guide to Getting as Much as She Gives, has over 20 years of experience in relationship coaching. The Corona del Mar, Calif.-based coach explains that, "being the default parent means you take on the lion's share of the household responsibility."

Doyle shares what she says is the "simple truth" behind default parenting: In many family dynamics, this unequal distribution of responsibilities happens without any planning or agreement at all. "Oftentimes, it happens without any communication," Doyle tells Yahoo Life. "It's exhausting being everything to everyone in the family and over time, this can build resentment. You can't really plan anything as you're basically on call 24/7."

Signs there's a default parent in the relationship

"[The presence of a default parent] happens because one parent tends [to handle family tasks like] dropping off kids at school, picking up kids from daycare and making dinner," Wenner explains. "They may even start [helping with] chores around the house, such as cleaning the bathroom and washing dishes, yet if the default parent is no longer present, chaos is most likely to occur in the family."

Compounded with the daily challenges a default parent might face, Wenner says they're often also the ones who must take charge in a crisis or especially stressful situation.

"In addition to being tired, overworked, and under-appreciated, the default parent must deal with many situations that come up unexpectedly," she says. "For example, a baby might wake up during the night and cry inconsolably. Or maybe a child gets sick and needs medical attention immediately. Or maybe there's a family emergency that requires immediate action. Whatever the situation, the default parent has to make decisions quickly, often based on limited information and sometimes without much support."

Doyle compares this level of responsibility to having a second job that requires attention at any and all hours of the day. "Imagine having any other job that requires your full attention or to be on standby, just in case, every second of your existence," she says. "It's a tough job and the parents that do it are basically superheroes."

How does default parenting affect a partnership?

Superheroes or not, this parenting style, which puts all major responsibilities on one parent instead of two, can have lingering effects on the relationship between partners.

Sameera Sullivan, a matchmaker and relationship expert in New York City, shares that in her line of work, she often sees first-hand the toll this parenting style can take on moms and dads. "Communication and intimacy problems may result from difficulties the default parent is experiencing, such as feeling worn out, exhausted or even unheard," says Sullivan. "The relationship might be in danger if the default parent's annoyance turns into contempt when left unattended."

Pasadena, Calif. father Roger Broussard shares that his career pushed his family into this parenting dynamic. "Given my career as a pilot, I regrettably have not been able to be around for anywhere near as much of my kids' upbringing as I would like," he admits. "Though this is my first time hearing the term, I suppose in a way this made my wife the default parent, as she has been the one the kids have needed to rely on for pretty much everything so far in their young lives."

Broussard shares that in his family, the dynamic works, but adds that this parenting style did encourage him to rethink his career path. "You could definitely say that my wife [holding the role of] default parent works for us as a family," he says. "My wife loves being able to spend so much time with the kids, but in an ideal world I would like to see more of them. It was part of the reason I took a step back from my work as a pilot to pursue other ventures."

Nathan Hughes, a parent from Fountain Valley, Calif. tells Yahoo Life in his own experience, the default parent dynamic took a toll on his partner. "My wife and I both work full-time, but I didn't realize she was taking on the role of the children's default parent until I noticed how exhausted she looked at the end of the day," Hughes shares.

How to improve the dynamic when there's a default parent

While Hughes believes societal norms — like the belief that a mother should be the primary caretaker of her home and children — play a part in the dynamic, making it easier to fall into, that doesn't mean things can't be improved.

"Work schedules and established gender roles are a good place to start in explaining how and why these roles arise," he says, "but the media's focus on this default and backup [parent] relationship portrays the issue as a done deal that occurs regardless."

"Both parents must value each other's contributions for successful parenting and relationship dynamic to exist," Hughes continues. "That's not all, though. For the family to function, both parents must express to the other that they recognize and appreciate what they do. A simple 'thank you' goes a long way."

Doyle agrees, adding that it can be incredibly helpful for the default parent to know when to ask for help.

"If you do start to feel exhausted, don't feel guilty," she says. "Everyone needs a break from time to time in order to recharge their battery and recenter their thoughts. Consider doing something just for yourself every single day — and chores do not count. Select something that's frivolous and fun, then do it. No excuses."

"This will help with stress and if nothing else, being just as kind to yourself as you are to your family isn't a bad thing."

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