David Briggs: It's time to cast these longshot Indians in 'Major League' sequel

Jun. 23—With the exception of fine films such as The Godfather Part II, The Empire Strikes Back, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (wait a minute), it's true: Rarely does the sequel live up to the original.

Still, it may be time to add another entry to the pantheon of follow-ups.

Call it Major League 4: Who Are These $%&$#@& Guys?

These guys are the 2021 Cleveland Indians.

And, as they continue to win despite having the lowest payroll in baseball — and more injured players than the NBA playoff ward — they're beginning to give their low-budget Hollywood predecessors a real run.

I mean, think about it.

In Major League, the 1989 comedy that remains a cult hit, owner Rachel Phelps schemes to field a bargain-basement team so bad that the resulting apathy helps justify her plans to move the franchise to Miami. Instead, the Indians' band of misfits has other ideas, winning against all odds.

That's more or less the story of this Cleveland team, right?

OK, maybe we're exercising a bit of artistic license. (Fear not, the Indians aren't going anywhere.)

But not much.

We have (almost) all of the characters from the original, right down to the Dolan family — although generally benevolent figures — ably playing the role of villainously thrifty Phelps. In a not-half-bad imitation, the Dolans did not just opt to dismantle the Indians' roster. They opted to dismantle a playoff roster that featured perhaps the best trio of cornerstone stars in baseball (Francisco Lindor, Jose Ramirez, and Shane Bieber). Now, their $53 million payroll is an incredible $77 million below the league average.

Then you have the good guys.

There's manager Terry Francona reprising the role of Lou Brown. Both are shrewd, dyed-in-the-wool baseball men who always have their players' backs, even from the hospital. (The only difference is Francona came from the Red Sox, not the Mud Hens, where Brown was said to have spent the previous 30 season before getting the call to Cleveland.)

There's reliever James Karinchak, of course, as Ricky Vaughn. Both wear No. 99, enter games to the strains of "Wild Thing," and electrify the crowds. Karinchak is averaging nearly two strikeouts per inning (58 in 32 2/3 innings).

There's Bryan Shaw as Eddie Harris. Both are elder statesmen of the pitching staff who still get it done, by hook or by ... Gorilla Glue? Like Harris, who doctored the ball with everything from Crisco to snot, here's betting Shaw had an MD of his own (at least before the recent crackdown).

There's man-mountain outfielder Franmil Reyes as Pedro Cerrano. Both are all-or-nothing sluggers who struggle to hit the curve.

There are catchers Ryan Lavarnway (33 years old) and Rene Rivera (37) as a composite of Jake Taylor. Same as Taylor, Lavarnway and Rivera were thought to be past even their baseball golden years — they had a combined 60 big league at-bats the past three seasons — when opportunity knocked. They're now sharing time behind the plate for the ailing Indians.

There's, well, anyone on the Astros as Clu Haywood, the bad-guy Yankees slugger everyone loves to hate ("How's your wife and my kids?").

There's Jose Ramirez as ... hmm.

I have to say, I'm stumped when it comes to casting Cleveland's heart, soul, and MVP candidate. So were the Indians fans I reached out to for help.

"His colorful personality reminded me of Willie Mays Hayes ... but he's not a light-hitting speedster," Toledo Mayor Wade Kapszukiewicz texted. "He plays third base ... but he is a beloved fan favorite, not the evil rogue Roger Dorn. He is a veteran and team leader ... but he isn't as grizzled and cynical as Jake Taylor."

So, yes, there are holes in the sequel.

Maybe in our plot, too. Just like Moneyball downplayed the biggest reason for the Athletics' success in the early 2000s — see: the dominant Big Three of Tim Hudson, Barry Zito, and Mark Mulder, to say nothing of MVP shortstop Miguel Tejada — we'll conveniently neglect to mention the Indians were not a completely lost cause this year. Not with the reigning Cy Young Award winner (Bieber), Ramirez, a good bullpen, and a Hall of Fame manager.

But, hey, this is Hollywood.

And the bigger theme remains.

Despite long odds that only grow longer by the day — Cleveland is now down its top three starters after 10-game winner Aaron Civale left Monday night's game with a finger injury — the Indians keep on winning, thanks to a little smoke, some mirrors, and a lot of heart. At 40-30, they're off to their best 70-game start since 2007 and just two games back of the first-place White Sox.

In the famous words of Jake Taylor, there's only one thing left to do.

Win the whole [freaking] thing.

Or, at least, stay in the pennant race until August.

Either way, the Indians are writing some kind of early script.

First Published June 22, 2021, 1:43pm