Have you heard of 'relation-shopping'? It might be why you're still single.
Do you find yourself always going on dates, and, no matter who you meet, feeling like there's someone out there who could check off more of the boxes you want in a partner?
If so, you might be "relation-shopping."
"Relation-shoppers" have a long list of rigid standards they want in a partner, but their requirements aren't always necessities. As a result, they have a hard time feeling satisfied with the person they're dating and, similar to "dating maximizers," constantly wonder if there's someone out there who could be better suited for them.
Dating experts say it's a problem exacerbated by dating apps and social media, which give people the illusion of limitless romantic possibilities. Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge and author of the book "How to Not Die Alone," has warned against relation-shopping on Instagram, where she defined it as searching for a partner "like we'd shop for new shoes."
Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men, says looking for love with this mentality is sure to spell disaster.
"You're setting yourself up for not feeling fulfilled and satisfied in your dating life," she says. "If you don't know what your end goal looks like, it's hard to know when to stop."
Why do people 'relation-shop'?
Online dating gets a bad rap for numerous reasons, including encouraging relation-shopping. With filters for height, advanced degrees and more, dating apps can put people in a mentality of looking for qualities in a partner like checking off items on a grocery list.
Plus, if you do meet a great person, dating apps with a sea of potential matches will probably make you wonder if you can do better.
"I am genuinely a fan of online dating," Anderson says. "It's a great way to get in front of more people, but dating apps and social media definitely exacerbate this problem."
Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and the author of "F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story," says dating apps don't deserve all the relation-shopping blame. After all, this has always been a problem, she says, and the real root of it is people not getting clear with themselves about what qualities actually matter to them in a partner from the get-go.
"It's not simply the availability of all of the options that makes people play the field," she says. "It's more that a lot of people are dating today without any clarity, without any intention."
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How to go from relation-shopping to a relationship
Think you might be a relation-shopper? Here are some tips to move beyond it:
Pause on swiping while you explore current matches: "Once you have matched with and you're chatting with a few people, don't keep swiping, because it's really easy to fall into almost a social media mindset of just endless swiping and scrolling," Anderson says.
Outline your deal-breakers: Anderson recommends writing out three lists for yourself: What you must have in a partner, what would be nice to have in a partner and what you want to avoid. "You only want to focus on traits that will matter for you multiple years from now, assuming you're looking for a long-term partner," she says.
Investigate where your dating lists come from: "It's like having a shopping list: 'He needs to be 6-feet tall or taller and make this much money and have this car, live here and be this educated,' " Hoffman says. "A lot of times that list doesn't actually align with what we want. That list was passed down to us. That list was seen in a romcom or read in a fairytale."
Work on yourself: If you're not satisfied with your matches, try fixing up your profile or dating skills. "I like to help people improve their dating app profiles, improve their conversation skills, teach them how to flirt and generally make them a more attractive partner," Anderson says.
Set boundaries around dating apps: "Don't be using it all day, every day," Anderson says. "That might mean 10 or 15 minutes of use a day. And then once you have matched with and you're chatting with a few people, don't keep swiping, because it's really easy to fall into almost a social media mindset of just endless swiping and scrolling."
Accept that no one will check off every box: "There's always going to be something that could be a little bit better about somebody you're dating," Anderson says. "So if you are constantly feeling like you need to find the perfect person, you're setting yourself up for never finding them."
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Relationshopping' is ruining your love life. What is it? Blame Tinder
