If I were in charge of the Biden-Trump debate, I'd make it a reality show competition
I’m thrilled about President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump finally agreeing to debate.
For those of us who grew up on "Saved by the Bell," I’m Jessie Spano on caffeine pills excited.
After the State of the Union Address, "Spicy" Joe Biden, aka "Dark Brandon," is full of spit, vinegar, and “multivitamins.”
Slapped with a trial gag order in New York, Trump’s rage has been building to levels not seen since his Twitter days. Don’t give me your weak sauce about wanting different candidates. You broke it. You buy it.
With nothing but Jake Tapper and Dana Bash standing between Trump and Biden on June 27, this could get wild. We need rules, people.
Biden and Trump should be able to prove their physical stamina
I’m not quite sure what the guidelines were for such a street fight when Biden and Trump were younger men. The gangs of the era were the Sharks and Jets. Men solved their grievances with chains, bats, and fisticuffs. These days it’s taunting multi-cut videos and Truth Social posts. We must develop a debate format befitting the majesty of our modern politics.
I’ve seen Biden sometimes navigate steps successfully. Trump has carried at least four pizza boxes at one time. Nevertheless, we must use the rhetorical rumble as an opportunity to establish physical fitness for one of the most demanding jobs on the planet.
Biden has agreed to this in the past. “Let’s do push-ups together, man, let’s run, let’s do whatever you want to do. Let’s take an IQ test, all right?” an upset Biden told Iowa voter Merle Gorman on a campaign stop in 2019.
America's justice system is not broken, but politicians claim it is when it's convenient
Trump, for his part, is proud of his physical supremacy over lesser specimens. "[Ronny Jackson] was the White House doctor. He was a great doctor. He was an admiral, a doctor, and now he's a congressman," Trump said at CPAC in 2022. "I said, 'which is the best if you had your choice?' and he sort of indicated doctor because he loved looking at my body. It was so strong and powerful."
To be fair, I looked up a few exercise challenges for octogenarians. A robust round of chair sits is just what the doctor ordered. We need to know how many times each candidate can sit in a chair and stand up without resting for more than 10 seconds. You can’t have a White House situation room without “sit,” but I was hoping for something a little more competitive.
Apparently, AI believes a roller skate obstacle course is a bridge too far for folks with hip vulnerabilities. I would settle for an office chair race around the empty studio. I can just hear Biden taunting Trump as a “lying dog-faced pony soldier” before Tapper drops the green flag.
Trump and Biden have knack for putting their feet in their mouths
I’m a huge fan of "The Office," so I understand the value of reaching different ethnicities within America’s melting pot culture. In honor of the “Diversity Day” episode, each presidential candidate should perform their best accent. If the past is prologue, I can predict the accents Biden and Trump will choose with a high level of certainty.
“You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts [in Delaware] unless you have a slight Indian accent. And I’m not joking,” Biden claimed in 2006. As such, we’ll put him down for “slight Indian.”
Trump is a little more difficult, but I suspect he’ll go with the recently famous Irish brogue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Educating his audience at Pennsylvania rally in April on the “beautiful” Battle of Gettysburg, Trump noted one of Lee’s lesser-known quotes. “'Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.' They were fighting uphill, he said, 'Wow, that was a big mistake,' he lost his great general,” Trump recalled. “'Never fight uphill, me boys,' but it was too late," Trump added.
With physical fitness and diversity outreach out of the way, we should test determine mental capacity.
For both of the candidates, memory isn’t that big of a deal. Who among us hasn’t forgotten the name of the leader of a country we’re supplying with nuclear submarines? Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison is a complete mouthful. Biden just went with “that fella Down Under” in 2021. Not to be outdone, Trump likes Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador so much that he allegedly shortened his name to “Juan Trump.” If a candidate has nicknames and corresponding accents, they’ll do just fine at foreign affairs.
To really test mental prowess, we should turn to science. Just put magnets and a glass of water on a table in front of the candidates. The first one to successfully deactivate the magnet wins.
Biden will struggle, and I’m showing a little Republican bias in the test. Trump knows EXACTLY what to do. “Now, all I know about magnets is this,” Trump revealed earlier this year. “Give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that's the end of the magnets.” As we all know, a quick dip in jojoba oil powers them right back up.
Grab your popcorn, this is going to quite a show
If the moderators are brave, they could ask either candidate to commune with the dead from the stage. They both have experience.
Who can forget Biden looking for departed Indiana Congresswoman Jackie Walorski? “Jackie, are you here? Where’s Jackie?” he asked in 2022. “She must not be here.” Since his transition into politics over the last decade, Trump apparently spoke to Old Blue Eyes. Trump recently claimed that Frank Sinatra, who died in 1998, told the former-President to “never eat before you perform,” to which Trump responded, “I’m not performing, I’m a politician.”
With those formalities out of the way, Tapper and Bash can move towards hard-hitting questions befitting their respective names.
Voters want to know from Biden if he really believes in his heart that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” Trump needs to be frank about the current prosecution against him. Why did he pay hush money to his mistresses through his businesses and not out of his personal bank account like every other law-abiding politician?
I’m tempted to leave the rest of the questions to the Communist National News (CNN), but who can we trust when Fox News is as “fair and balanced” as a Hamas press release. We’ll probably have to do our own research at the end of the day.
Truthfully, nothing (other than an Ivy League student supporting a terrorist organization by demanding snacks and bottled water) is more American than this duel to determine the next leader of our proud nation. Grab your popcorn, folks. Slather it in butter and salt. Get ready not to move for several hours. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and this debate is like a healthy injection of disinfectant to the jugular to kill COVID-19. As Spano crooned all those years ago, ”I’m so excited.” I hope you are too.
USA TODAY Network Tennessee Columnist Cameron Smith is a Memphis-born, Brentwood-raised recovering political attorney who worked for conservative Republicans. He and his wife Justine are raising three boys in Nolensville, Tenn. Direct outrage or agreement to [email protected] or @DCameronSmith on X, formerly known as Twitter. Agree or disagree? Send a letter to the editor to [email protected].
This article originally appeared on Nashville Tennessean: The Biden-Trump debate should be a physical competition
