Surviving the Holiday Season When You Don't Celebrate Christmas

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In the days leading up to Hanukkah this year, my 6-year-old daughter could hardly contain her excitement. “We have to get the menorah out and buy the candles,” she chirped, skipping alongside me on our way to school one recent morning. “Only a few more days, I can hardly wait!” But then we came to one of the many stretches of New York City sidewalk where a Christmas-tree seller has taken up residence for the season, and my daughter stopped in her tracks. She breathed in the pine scent, staring wistfully at the rows of trees and wreaths. “Mama, I don’t understand why we can’t celebrate Christmas at all,” she said quietly. “Why can’t we at least just get a tree?”

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I sighed and patiently explained what I’d told her so many times before: That we are Jewish, and that Christmas is not our holiday, but that we could enjoy the beauty of it from afar and through friends who had trees in their homes. She shrugged, said “Okay, mama,” and continued on her way.

But I knew exactly where she was coming from. As a Jewish kid growing up in a mostly Catholic neighborhood, I always found Christmas to be rife with complex emotions: I loved Hanukkah and latkes and eight presents, yes. But in spite of myself, I yearned for Christmas — for a big and beautiful tree in our living room, for the irrepressible excitement of Christmas Eve, for something other than Chinese food and movies on the day when I pictured everyone else in the entire world clasping hands in loving circles, belting out “Come All Ye Faithful” as the televised Yule log glowed in their living room. What I wanted, most of all, was to fit in.

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As I grew up, I understood more and more the power in not fitting in and that it was really okay to not have Christmas. I also feel grateful now that my parents never caved and allowed a “Hanukkah bush” in our house. Though I still feel some lingering resentment every year at this time — when dear friends insist upon wishing me a “Merry Christmas” or asking my daughter what she wants Santa to bring her — I want to pass on a healthy appreciation of the holiday season’s sparkle while still instilling in her a clear sense of her Jewish identity. And there may be no better time for that than now, according to Rabbi Ayelet Cohen, director of the Center for Jewish Living at the JCC Manhattan.

“Depending on the child’s age, this time of year could be a great opportunity to speak about difference and about how few Jews there are in this country,” Cohen, who has 4-year-old twins, a 6-year-old daughter, and two grown stepsons, tells Yahoo Parenting. “We can recognize that Christmas is all around us, but how that doesn’t mean it’s not also beautiful to be different.”

Though there may be a tendency to compare Hanukkah to Christmas and to even make Hanukkah seem somehow more exciting (eight days of presents instead of one!), doing so can be slightly misguided. “Whose is better is not productive,” she says. “The point is that there are many religions and traditions.” Cohen suggests focusing on the positives of Hanukkah (or whatever your religion’s holiday may be), for your particular family, and that “it’s okay to enjoy the beauty of Christmas outside, in the public sphere.”

Other ways to maintain the spirit of your religion:

Take the lead. “We suggest that parents should be proactive,” Muslim parenting experts Ekram and Mohamed Rida Beshir tell Yahoo Parenting in an email. One way might be for the parents of young children to offer to speak to their child’s class about Muslim celebrations — for example, Ramadan, the month of fasting, as well as its celebratory conclusion, Eidul-Fitr, and the pilgrimage holiday of Eidul-Adha. “The child may distribute some treats that kids love to his classmates and may like to say, ‘Our Eid celebration is just like your Christmas celebration. We get lots of gifts, decorate our home, play games, visit friends and family, and have lots of fun.’ When the classmates of the child know that he or she is a Muslim and celebrates different holidays other than Christmas, the child won’t be bombarded with many questions related to Christmas during the holiday seasons.”

Keep the parenting lesson going throughout the year. “The whole picture isn’t Hanukkah vs. Christmas,” Cohen says. “Instead, think about the whole of Jewish life.” That will make it easier for your children to understand your culture when December rolls around, she says. Dr. Ron Wolfson, professor of education at the American Jewish University, expounds upon that in a blog post on the “December dilemma,” noting, “The child who has experienced the building of a sukkah will not feel deprived of trimming a tree. The child who has participated in a meaningful Passover Seder will not feel deprived of Christmas dinner. The child who has …welcomed the Shabbat weekly with candles and wine and challah by the time s/he is three years old will understand that to be Jewish is to be enriched by a calendar brimming with joyous celebration.” The Beshirs add, “The key to resolving the [Christmas] issues lies in providing good alternatives, which is one of the most important Islamic parenting principles.”

Empathize. Finally, Cohen suggests, allow your child to feel whatever emotions come up for them around being in the holiday minority. “Kids will often lead us with the questions they ask. They may have questions about most people celebrating Christmas, and they may feel lonely, or special, because of it,” she says. “It’s okay to be with them in those feelings.”