Men of History, Why Did You Grow Your Beards?

By Maggie Lange

Why do men do the things they do? What do men want? Why do they beard?

Slow your questions: A new paper about male primates, published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior, addresses all of this business. Scientists at the University of Western Australia examined 154 species of primates. They found that males employ more conspicuous “badges” (like facial hair) in large societies with more pressure, where there is more social and physical conflict. In small societies, individuals have time to demonstrate their status and strength. “In large groups where individuals are surrounded by strangers, we need a quick reliable tool to evaluate someone’s strength and quality,” said the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Cyril Grueter, “and that’s where these elaborate ornaments come in.”

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Grueter argues this accounts for the popularity of beards among British men between 1842 and 1971, during a surge of males in the marriage pool.

What about all men of all time: Why have they grown their beards? Let’s ask them, shall we?

Hey, Tatted Tank-Top Enthusiast! Why Did You Grow Your Beard?

I did it to assert my masculinity in a competitive environment, in which women seem on the verge of outperforming men.

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Hey, Charlemagne! Why Did You Grow Your Beard?

Oh, I just wasn’t doing much one day and he started taking over my chin, and I thought: My, aren’t you full and lush? He’s quite the little conqueror himself, isn’t he? I think it’s a good metaphor about empire-building.

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Hey, Debussy! Why Did You Grow Your Beard?

For women, a series of them, many of whom might be married to other men.

Hey, Farmers’ Market Employee! Why Did You Grow Your Beard?

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I heard things were tough out here for a gentle fellow. I have no physical skills, but I was able to sit patiently and let a beard grow. It’s really all I have going for me right now.

Hey, George Harrison! Why Did You Grow Your Beard?

To match my hair; for the babes; to hide small keepsakes, in that order.

To see more history-making beards, head over to The Cut!

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