How To Tell Your Partner They Need To Get Fit
Rumored couple Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio might be a match made in heaven (in tabloid heaven, at least)—except for one thing. According to sources who spoke to OK Magazine, Leo, “is a lot more flabbier than [Ri]’s usual lovers,” and the pop star is not happy about it. Like a lot of Titanic fans, she wants him back in Jack Dawson form: and she’s reportedly asked him to lose the weight, going so far as to put him on a diet and sign him up for personal training. On the one hand, this sounds insane. On the other, there are plenty of people who would relish the opportunity to tell their partner to lose a few pounds, without the inevitable consequence of that awkward conversation.
“I deal with this issue a lot,” says Lillian Rosenblatt, a Manhattan and Westchester-based therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in relationships. Rosenblatt says that, in her experience, the issue occurs “pretty equally” in men and women. However, she adds, “women tend to be more likely to bring it up [to their partner].”
Indeed, after polling several real-life couples, we found that many women had less qualms about telling their guy to shape up than vice versa.
“I’ve kind of suggested he buff up,” says Cate, 27, of her boyfriend of five years. “I’ve encouraged different types of training and exercises. He never changes his workout routine which is why it’s not effective.” But what if he turned the tables, and suggested Cate spend a few more minutes on the treadmill each day? “I would stab him,” she says. “An ex did that once. I didn’t think I cared at the time…But this was probably eight years ago and I still remember it so maybe it did bother me.”
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According to Rosenblatt, women often assume the role of ‘relationship manager’ and nurturer. Encouraging healthy weight loss in their partners, then, can be seen as a natural progression of this role, which may be why women are more apt than men to broach the subject. Also, women aren’t expecting their comments to have that huge of an impact on their partners. “Men may laugh off [the suggestion they lose weight]; they may react to it in a much more cavalier fashion,” says Rosenblatt. “Whereas for women, it can set off a whole dialogue of internal self dislike: he must think I’m fat, he doesn’t want to be with me, I’m not good enough.”
Compare Cate’s “stab him in the eye” reaction, for instance, to Jake’s. Jake, 34, dated an Italian woman who gave him a pet name that essentially translated to, “fat little pasta man.” He says, “It didn’t feel great, but it was also very funny.” And, for the record, it didn’t make him go to the gym more or change his eating habits, he just “sucked in his gut” more often.
No one reading this is surprised that weight is a touchier subject for the fairer sex. “There probably is a double-standard of sorts [when it comes to this issue], but that’s understandable,” says Scott Milnes, a relationship and life coach. “Men have never had their bodies objectified [to the degree women have] and therefore we have no idea what that feels like.” Which is probably why most of the straight men we spoke to said they would never ever suggest their partner lose weight. “I might think it,” says Chris Black, 32, who happens to be my husband. “But I would never say it.” [ed note: Good to know.]
Gay couples have their own tacit way of dealing with this issue. “I’m sure it is different for gay men,” says Ryan O’Connell, author of I’m Special and a writer on MTV’s Awkward. “I’m generalizing here but there is a bit more emphasis on staying in shape and not letting yourself go in a relationship.”
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“Gay culture is more body sensitive,” agrees Mike, 27. “If one partner’s body greatly changes, it will cause tension quicker than in most straight relationships.”
That being said, neither said they would ever explicitly tell their partner to lose weight. “I would never do that, unless they gained a significant amount of weight and then I would be like, ‘Babe? Is everything okay?’” explains Ryan. And if his partner ever suggested he tone up? “I would die,” he says. “Unless, again, if I legit gained eighty pounds or something. Then feel free to speak your mind, hon.”
“[My boyfriend] hasn’t said anything directly,” says Mike. “However, when I mention I need to get back in shape or go to gym more he is very encouraging—too encouraging. It didn’t make me feel great, but it did motivate me.”
Gay, straight, female, male…is it ever really okay to tell your partner to lose weight if you’re unhappy with their body? Surprisingly, the experts and real-life couples agree: For a healthy long-term relationship, it’s not only okay but encouraged, especially if it’s causing health problems or a decline in sexual activity. Everyone agrees that a sensitive delivery, however, is key. The subject needs to be broached in a loving, supportive, and non-judgmental way; it is not something to be done lightly. Hide your advice amidst compliments and words of encouragement. Milnes suggests making statements of preference like, “Honey, I love the way your shoulders look when you do yoga,” instead of making demands. Rosenblatt says that if you can include yourself in the new fitness regime equation—something like, “look this is something I struggle with too,”—then things are less likely to get heated. Both agree that tackling the issue as a team is essential; studies even show that shared fitness goals can actually strengthen your relationship.
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You have to be open to the possibility that your partner may decide not to pursue your fitness goals, but it shouldn’t keep you from bringing it up. “Even if the person says no, it opens up the dialogue, especially if sex is concerned,” says Rosenblatt. “The person can then say, I’m not going to lose weight, but what else can I do to help our sex life improve.”
Rosenblatt says broaching the subject too early can get dicey. Considering the Rihanna and Leo rumor started a few weeks ago after they were spotted allegedly making out at the Playboy mansion—it’s too soon. Most people we spoke to agreed they would only mention the subject to a long-term partner and never in a new relationship. I, for one, sincerely hope that Rih and Leo can work it out one way or another. I also kind of hope he gets his six pack back. Is that so bad?
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