'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 11

Only three weeks left for the real stars of American Idol to feign interest! Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.

* Unlike Harry’s systematic refusal to play along, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.

KEITH URBAN

200 youthful exuberance points for blasting off his critique in the style of Sonika Vaid’s wind machine. “Why does wind look so good?” he wondered. (”LOVE IT,” J. Lo helpfully chimed in.)

+150 for serving up a Proud Mary smirk during La’Porsha Renae’s stomp-worthy cover of Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama.” “I’m not even judging,” Keith had realized after La’Porsha’s first performance. “I’m just someone in the audience, captivated by this moment, enjoying it as a human being.”

+100 for being thoroughly jazzed to learn that Trent Harmon chose to cover Keith’s own favorite Lynyrd Skynyrd song, “Simple Man.” “I was already, ‘YAY!’” So perfect for you.”

-50 for giving viewers the munchies like crazy mere moments into the show: “You’re like cake batter,” he said after MacKenzie Bourg’s “Wild World.” “Even when it’s not cooked, it’s still really good, man.”

+150 for later upping his own “fun dad” ante with a pop culture reference for the ages. “Have you seen a kids movie called Bolt? There’s a gerbil, called Rhino, who’s a big fan of Bolt,” he told a bewildered but delighted MacKenzie. “And I am like that. I’m a big fan of yours.”

-30 for slightly overcompensating with an “eyes down here” move after getting caught staring at his hidden desk monitor during a live performance. (The better to judge you with, dears.)

-100 for rather adorably failing to remember that Keith himself was the one who invented the term “Daltonize” a few weeks ago. (To be fair, it does seem like years, man).

Daltonize (v.) 1. To rearrange a song so that’s it’s more whiny and less good. [“English”, 2016; cross-ref: middling ‘American Idol’ contestant Dalton Rapattoni.]

JENNIFER LOPEZ

+100 MORE DRAMA! points for feeling the burn during La’Porsha’s rise from the ashes of an abusive relationship.

+300 for co-crying with a contestant — a Judging the Judges coup! — after Trent Harmon’s emotionally charged “Simple Man.” And what the hell, +50 for enhancing the “ocean of tears” effect by using a whole pot of blue eye shadow.

But whoops, sorry, should have led with this: -500 for wearing a sparkly sand art bodysuit in public.

-200 for whipping out her signature blow-softener — “Hi sweetie” — not once, but twice this week before delivering bad news.

-50 for making sure everyone knew MacKenzie Bourg was singing to her specifically.

-70 for the glitch in her selective memory that let her think MacKenzie’s stripped-down “Billie Jean” cover was anywhere near as good as David Cook’s from Season 7. (+100 to Ryan Seacrest for nobly correcting her.)

+1 for communicating via scrunch-face (it always speaks louder than her words) that she thought Sonika Vaid’s “Let It Go” could and should have been better.

HARRY CONNICK JR.

15 points for boldly attempting to see life through a contestant’s eyes (even if she’s not exactly buying it). “I feel like an Earth Mother right now,” he claimed after La’Porsha breathed new life into India.Arie’s “Ready For Love.”

+10 for at least trying to “Urbanize” his critiques by dabbling in poetic language himself. “Every song you do is a blank wall,” he told Dalton. “You’re like a graffiti artist.”

+96 for knowing a former Idol contestant’s full name (Adam Lambert)!

-400 for cluelessly claiming the judges still had the chance to use their final Save a few minutes after they’d already used it.

HONORABLE MENTION: QUEEN OF THE WORLD ADAM LAMBERT

A whopping 1000 glam points go to the Season 8 runner-up for welcoming us back to the grand stage that is his life.

And a BONUS DIVA 2000 (unheard of!) for recreating one of the series’ finest moments: his haunting, blue-cast cover of “Mad World.”

HONORABLE MENTION: RYAN SEACREST

+500 for rushing to prevent La’Porsha from collapsing into a puddle of feels.

HONORABLE MENTION: LA’PORSHA’S BABY

+250 for the long-distance version of Ryan’s Save. (A daughter knows!)

FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 11:

Adam Lambert has finally won Idol (-ish) with a staggering 3000 points!!!

Ryan Seacrest: 600

Keith Urban: 420

Baby Renae: 250

Harry Connick Jr.: -279

Jennifer Lopez: -369

Pretty close race for last place this week! Can J.Lo and Harry pull a Lambert and stun us all? Watch the “magic” happen on American Idol, Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.