'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 12

Only one week left for the real stars of American Idol to feign interest! Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.

*Unlike the judges’ tireless commitment to mediocrity, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.

KEITH URBAN

+300 chair-ography points for routinely one-upping the “real dancer” of the trio.

+100 authenticity points for firmly yet subtly demonstrating the original rhythm of the line “I rock them all” during La’Porsha Renae’s cover of “Wanted Dead or Alive.”

…and a bonus 50 for this pronounced “It happens!” sway after she forgot some Bon Jovi lyrics.

+200 I feel your pain points for being genuinely sad when David Cook’s “Heartbeat” ended abruptly.

-300 still can’t tell if he’s faking it points for falling for Dalton Rapattoni’s “sensitive guy digging deep” act every! single! time!

+25 “Who can compliment La’Porsha the hardest?” points: “I feel like I’m at an awards show watching you sing your killer song.” Nailed it!

JENNIFER LOPEZ

+100 find your light points for shooing off a slow-approaching camera with a smug “not this time!” chin raise once she knew she wasn’t gonna cry. (Yet.)

+200 “IN IT TO WIN IT!” points for channeling former Idol judge Randy Jackson mid-critique: “Like, you could sing the phone book and it wouldn’t matter,” she told La’Porsha, sounding almost as useless as the Dawg himself. (Nostalgia goosies!)

-1000 Silvio Dante’s about to make you disappear points for TOTALLY BLANKING on guest mentor Stevie Van Zandt’s name!

-300 dictionary of nonsense points for turning “MacKenzie” into a verb. (Was last week’s “Daltonize” not enough for these people? Where is the line?!)

-100 artist, please points for commiserating with Dalton after he had to switch songs last-minute: “As an artist, you have an idea in your head, and it’s so right,” said Jenny (likely reflecting on Gigli and/or “Louboutins”). “And when it just doesn’t work? That’s hard to let go of!”

-100 “Who can compliment La’Porsha the hardest?” points: “Right now I feel like I’m not even doing my job anymore.” We noticed.

HARRY CONNICK JR.

-300 imaginary drama points for his sudden lashing out against MacKenzie Bourg. “What really irritates me is how this turns into an ice skating competition,” he complained, comparing trying to hit the high note on Sia’s “Titanium” to landing a triple axel. The disadvantage of pretty much never caring is that whenever Harry does show a strong opinion, it smacks of producer orchestration. The guy can’t win!

+50 somewhere over the double rainbow points for finally deigning to give a standing O after Season 5 runner-up Katharine McPhee covered a standard.

-100 the show must go on points for expending all his remaining energy on lifting Ryan Seacrest like a baby as he tried to do his adult job. ”I’ve got fango all over my suit, man,” Harry joked. (J. Lo had just taught him the Spanish word for dirtied up and muddy but was refusing to play along.)

-200 oh no he didn’t points for co-opting the “Weave, Twist, Twist, Twist” technique from La’Porsha’s 14-hour hair-braiding session into his own awkward cheer-dance hybrid (too painful to show so here’s her family’s reaction).

+50 “Who can compliment La’Porsha the hardest?” points: “I feel like I’m in the passenger seat of a NASCAR driver when you sing.” Bravo, sir! That was blissfully terrible!

HONORABLE MENTION: GUEST MENTOR SIA

+500 face it, there’s no way in hell points for not letting Trent Harmon even think about singing “Chandelier” in a lower register than she does. (It worked!)

HONORABLE MENTION: STEVIE VAN ZANDT

+1500 gypsy genius points for providing the contestants with the insightful guidance and unyielding support they should have been receiving all season. His suggestion to Trent Harmon to make ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man” “dark and swampy” from the start was particularly spot on. (“He’s like the cool uncle I never had,” raved Trent.)

HONORABLE MENTION: RYAN SEACREST

+100 :-( points for a convincing enough reference to Idol ending so soon. (Score would’ve been much higher if he hadn’t said “hashtag tears.”)

FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 12:

Stevie Van Zandt wins with 1500! Amazing! He’s not even a judge!

Keith Urban: 345

Ryan Seacrest: 100

Harry Connick Jr.: -500

Jennifer Lopez: -1200

Ouch! Can J.Lo and Harry crawl out of the negatives just in time for the finals? Watch the “magic” happen on American Idol, Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.